I Don't Wanna Look Like That...

I recently found my high school yearbook and had a look through to reminisce about easier times. Not that it's much reminiscing though since I've worked in that building for almost 6 years now and see it almost every single day of my freaking life. But it was fun traveling down memory lane back when we thought our problems were the biggest ones we were going to ever face in life. Hah!

As I was looking through the staff photos I realized a few things:

1. There are students out there who look at my picture in their yearbook just as I'm looking at my old teachers. It's weird because I found myself either squealing "omg! Mr. so and so! I loved him!" or "ugh. she was so weird".....then I realized. Fuck. My students are doing the same thing. I'm either going to be the "awww! I love her!" or "ugh, what a bitch!". Scary.

2. A lot of my old teachers still work there. They're the same people just older versions of the people I used to know. Some remember me, some not so much. Which I always think is funny when I speak to them. I usually sit there and think "dude, you have no idea what I remember about you". There was that one teacher who remembered I was his student, hit on me at the local bar the first year I was there, and since then has forgotten who I am. I'm going to blame that on the old age thing, not that I'm not memorable....and not that I want him to remember me...gross creepy man!


The day after I looked at the yearbook, I saw these people in the halls. And it hit me. Not only have they aged because that's what happens after 9 years, but they look ragged. I started cringing as I passed them. It was like a horror movie. I realized that they looked like they were run through the mill (or two) a few times and they looked older than they actually were. They were all hunched over and shuffling down the hall with a sad half smile on their face as they said 'good morning'. Because that's what the NYC public school system will do to you. It will run you to the ground. These people look like they're hanging on by a thread. I could see it in their eyes "10 more years until I can retire..just hold on". I wanted to turn and run as far away from the building as I possibly could! That morning was scarier than any zombie apocalypse I can foresee in the future.

It's not just the NYCDOE though, it's any job you've been doing day in and day out for the last 30 years of your life. You get old, and tired, and broken and tired again because you're old. But it's worse when you're not doing what you love to do. When it becomes "just a job", you become "just a person". It doesn't mean anything. And that realization definitely tied into my theme of the year: Cleaning up old projects, doing things I've always wanted to do, and realizing what it is that I love to do.
I want to do something that I love. And I recently made a list of all the things I love in an effort to find what it is that makes me happy. I just don't know what person would pay me to be a music making baby tending chef writer.

I don't know what I want my career to be. I don't know what I would want to do for the next 30 years of my life. I do know one thing though.....I look almost the same as I did when I was 17 years old. No weathering and stooping over here.....yet, anyway.

Goals For The New Year

Resolutions never work. Never. There's too much pressure. So, I've decided to have goals for the year. Which just happen to coincide with the start of a new year.

There are some resolutions that we set for ourselves because we know them to be good for us, but we don't really want to do. Such as quit smoking or stop drinking. Those are things that you do because you want to do them (for most of us anyway--There is always the 2% that actually need these things to survive. That's called addiction. There are meetings for that. We'll go into that in another post though...). It would be healthier, and better for our wallet, if we stopped smoking but unless we really, really want to do that there's no way we're just magically going to stop. And we're certainly not going to cease and desist just because January 1st happened to come around. The stopping, or starting, of behaviors are usually the basis of most resolutions. Which brings me back to the theory that unless you really want to change behaviors you're not going to succeed at your resolution.

So, goals instead. There are things I want to accomplish, things I should be doing, and things that I would like to do. There's no pressure to do them and knowing that, I'm more inclined to do it. It's not some behavior or thing that I do that I want to change, but things that I want to accomplish. I work better when there's an end goal. When it's finished and accomplished. Changing behavior means I have to do it for the rest of my life and I don't think I'm ready for that kind of change yet.

I have a bad habit of having all these great ideas but never acting on them (or finishing them). I usually get bored midway, or have a better idea 1/4 way in, and abandon mission. I have several unfinished projects so my goal is to finally finish them this year. I need to stop being distracted by facebook and netflix and daydreaming and actually finish what I started. That's the theme of the year--finish what I start.

I've also decided that I'm going to do more selfless work. I'm going to try to go out of my way and help people without benefiting from it in some way. Again, I'm not gonna go crazy so if I happen to accomplish and finish one or two projects this year, then I'm good to go. So far I'm organizing a group to take part in the Unity Walk to raise money for Parkinson's Disease in April. I've involved the kids at school and set a monetary goal. Knowing that there are others involved and that there is a date of completion (the actual Unity Walk in Central Park on April 28th) I'll be more inclined to complete my mission.

So far 2012 is off to a good start. I had a lot of time to think about the last year during my week off from work (too much time probably) and I realized a lot of things. I just have to remember my goals and what I want from this year and myself. No half assing it, no more 80%, from myself and from others. I won't settle for anything but the best.

2012, I Hope You're Gonna Be As Entertaining As Your First Few Hours Were....

I spent New Years Eve with my sister at the local bar. I'm really glad that it wasn't crowded at all....which made it easier to observe all the drunk people. A couple hours after midnight, my sister and I saw a couple walk into the men's bathroom together. YOU'VE BEEN CAUGHT, SUCKERS!

So of course we told my sisters' fiance who was bartending. He grabbed my camera and walked over to the bathroom and propped open the door. Now the men's bathroom is tiny with 1 or 2 urinals and one stall. We can see the guy at the sink who wasn't the least bit phased that Sir Billy sat sat on a stool in front of the opened door and just walked into the stall where she was waiting. My sister and I joined him and soon people joined us to see what we were doing. Of course at this point I'm sure they could hear us and that poor little whorebag was wondering how she was going to get out of the stall and pass by us. A rat caught in a trap.

After a few minutes they came out. He was laughing and she had her tiny purse over her face as she quickly walked past us. We snapped a picture while half the bar clapped for them. Someone must feel pretty stupid after not getting any action AND being embarrassed in front of a whole bunch of people. You would think they would leave right after, especially after I yelled to her that her mother would be ashamed of her. Nope. They danced in the other room for a while and then ended up running into us outside when they were leaving. We wished that poor, young little chicken a very good night.

I found this very interesting. I'm not by any means an angel but, if you're going to do something like this in public, you should probably not get caught or you deserve the embarrassment and ridicule. If you're going to do it in the tiny men's bathroom as well, knowing that the bar is practically empty and men are going in and out of there constantly, you should probably change your plan and move to the women's bathroom that is towards the back of the bar and has 2 stalls. Just saying.

I also found men's responses and reactions to this incident very interesting. We were with about 8 guys all ages and types, and the majority of them stated that if they were the guy they would totally come out with a smile on their face and high-fiving like that guy did, not a bit embarrassed. BUT, if they were the girl they would be mortified. So, this proves that guys aren't as dumb about these things as we think them to be. They know how to tell when a girl is easy and probably going to give them a nice little present in the form of an STD. They just seem to have lower moral and ethical thresholds than women do. Both sexes found the girl to be disgusting but didn't seen to have the same reaction for the guy, cuz I guess 'guys will be guys' and it's something we all understand and expect.

Anyway, I thought this was a pretty funny way to start the new year. I hope she went to church the next day. I'm guessing she has a lot of things to confess about....



hahaha! Dummy.

2011, You Sucked A Big One

This year was the most tumultuous year of my life. In 2010 we said, "2010, you are not my friend" and then in 2011 we said, "2011, sounds like heaven".....boy were we wrong. I guess 2012 smells like hell? Who knows. This year was probably the most stressful for me but chocked full of life lessons. Here are some things I learned:

1. I've always had that House-like mentality that everybody lies and no one is what they appear to be. People said I was being too critical of others. Guess what, I was right all along! Life lesson 1: Everybody lies and people are never what they appear to be. Point Natasha.

2. The saying goes "it's what people do, not what they say". It's true. I can tell you the sky is purple and Big Bird is the president but that doesn't mean shit. It's our actions that dictate who and what we are. That's not to say you shouldn't listen at all because the combination of the two can reveal a whole lot as well. Actions, do in fact, speak louder than words.

3. If it's too good to be true, it's probably too good to be true.

4. It's OK to be scared, but you have to stand up for yourself and speak truthfully. You will ALWAYS feel much better in the end.

5. The biggest lesson this year: There is NOTHING you can't get through. Ever. Even when you've been to Hell and back, you have to figure, "hey I got back, didn't I?"

6. This world is actually smaller than it appears to be. We are all connected somehow. So, I guess watch what you say and what you do to others. It'll probably come back to you somehow.

7. On that note....karma is a bitch. "Do unto others as you would have have them do unto you" is another true wisdom. What you put out in the world will indeed come back to you. So be ready. Cuz there's quite a few people out there who are being hunted by Karma. And it's only a matter of time.....

8. People don't change. The end. Either accept them for what they are, or walk away.

9. I'm really glad I never made the decision to dorm for college. I would've been a hot mess. I was most definitely thankful for that choice after living with a girl and her dog and a couple of guys and their friends. I got my college experience in 1 year. Thank the lord.

10. I've always believed this....EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON. There is a reason why we go through the things we do, and interact with the people we meet and see the things that we see. We can't rush life because it's already written. And it's definitely hard to see the meaning behind things when you're deep in it at the time, but at some point you look back and realize that everything has come together to make you a better person. I feel like I've lived 3 lives this year. And it's gotten me closer to the person I want to be.

Sometimes we have to go a few steps back and acquire some battle wounds to get ahead in this life war, but it's not the individual battles that determines the victor, it's the overall outcome of the war. Winston Churchill said:

This is not the end. It is not even the beginning of the end. But it is, perhaps, the end of the beginning.

Winston, my dear man, how right you are.....

You Can Fight Some Things...Human Nature Is Not One Of Them.

Sometimes I think about where I was exactly a year ago on a particular date (today one year ago, for example, I was preparing to watch the Lunar Eclipse). And I think about how much things have changed since that day. It's amazing how things evolve, how you never expect to be where you end up. And it's even more alarming how much people change and how far apart or close together you become. The old saying is "things change, people don't.", right? So, could it be that in some circumstances they don't change but merely reveal what they've been all along?

I have a friend who's changed. And it's blamed on getting older. Except, you don't really change when you get older. You just mature more and get tired earlier and want to go to bed after 2 drinks. And I'm trying to figure out if this difference is him revealing what he was all along that I missed, or if it's because of his environment and other influencing factors.

It happens every so often. People not being who you thought they were. People usually show others what they want them to see. We obviously don't offer up the worst parts of ourselves or then we wouldn't have any friends at all. But after some time, our true nature is revealed and it always shocks me that, as observant as I am, I miss things sometimes. This usually happens when I've succumbed to some sort of emotional attachment to a person and are no long objective to the situations(stupid feelings).

This year I've learned a lot about people. I was quite surprised by a few of them. And in some cases, it was just them revealing who they truly were. I guess I can't be mad about that. Ones nature cannot be helped. It's just unfortunate that their ways didn't jive well with my undeniable nature. It always saddens me though. I try to live by the 'what you see is what you get' code. If I'm short tempered and bitchy, I'm not gonna hide it. If at times I'm a bit selfish, so be it. If I like talking about migrating to my new planet called Nay-tosh and how much I love Stargate Atlantis even though people have no idea what I'm talking about, I'm not gonna stop myself. Love me or hate me, but at least you're getting the real me. The only part I sometimes hide is the nice part. Cuz only the most worthy people get to see that side....

Christmas Is Not The Same

Remember when you were younger and looked forward to the holidays. Once it hit Thanksgiving, you knew presents and a week off from school were around the corner. Your parents got the tree and you helped decorate it, they brought home shopping bags full of gifts and hid them (usually poorly, because we always managed to find them) you made cookies for Santa and they helped you write the letter. We helped string up the lights and wrap the presents and it was this magical time during the year. But as you get older, and tied up with work and life and doing your own present shopping, that time becomes just another set of weeks in the year. It's not as special anymore. And I realized this week that we had our parents taking care of all the details. Now as adults, we have to make these decisions and traditions on our own. It sucks.

I want to be able to kick back and watch Christmas movies and daydream during class about what I'm getting for Christmas. I can't do that anymore. And it flies by so quickly. The holidays felt like forever when I was a kid. With this startling acknowledgement that I'm not a child anymore, came the realization that it's up to me to carry on the traditions and do all these things now. If I don't do it now, there's a good chance my future children won't know what Christmas is at all since I'll be so used to not partaking and facilitating all this holiday stuff. And as exhausting as it's going to be to keep up with all these things, I hope I help create similar holiday memories for my future kids as I have such as:

- sneaking into the closet and looking at all the presents before they're wrapped
- trying to peek under the door to see the presents we didn't find as my mother wrapped them
- using a knife to cut the tape to look at the wrapped presents and then resealing them
- stealing all my brothers presents at 6am on Christmas day and replacing them with a pile of coal (my brother is STILL in therapy for that one)
- catching "Santa" in the act at 5 years old


Guess I managed to find another downside of growing up....time killed Christmas. You heard it here first, kids.

Massages Are For Relaxing. I Don't Know What That Is.

I've only had 3 massages in my life. I'm not very good at relaxing. Can't sit still in this ADD induced world,and worse is that I never stop thinking. My mind's always racing. Always thinking. It gets annoying after a while but it's better than having no thoughts at all I guess. So, in typical Natasha fashion, my massage experiences provide entertaining stories for the public. Because, you can't make this shit up when it comes to me....

Massage #1
It was SPA WEEK in NYC a couple years ago so I decide, why not. Lets see what this is about. So I found this place in midtown and went with my friend. It was pretty busy and after a few minutes I was whisked away to a very tiny dark room by an Asian lady. I was told to undress and lie face down. I don't do very well in unfamiliar situations. I tend to get nervous and uneasy which is probably a hindrance to the whole relaxation idea. After undressing and lying down, I thought 'Jeez at least they usually buy me a drink before I'm in this state". The lady enters and begins and the whole time I'm thinking "Um, is she supposed to be going that far up my thigh?" and "What if she's a lesbian and is turned on by this whole thing?" and "What if I'M turned on by this?". Safe to say, that I hardly relaxed at all. I walked out wide eyed and said to my friend "I think I was just molested but I'm not sure cuz I've never had a massage before so I have nothing to compare it to". I didn't attempt another massage for 2 years.

Massage #2
My friend surprised me with a massage for my birthday/graduation present this year. We arrived at the place and I was handed a glass of wine. Much improved from the last time. I was shown to the dark room and told to strip once again. At least this time i was privy to what was going to take place. I tried very hard this time to clear my mind which meant counting backwards from 100 over and over again to deter my mind from thinking about my to-do list, my life, the past, the present, the future. After what felt like forever, the lady put her hand on my back and whispered something that sounded like "thank you". I waited for a bit, stretched out and wondered if she was coming back or if we were done. After 5 minutes I got up and began dressing. While half naked and mid sip of my wine, she walked back in. I was topless. She said "no, no! We're not done yet." Apparently she had gone to get a warm towel. I gulped the rest of my wine, undressed quickly and tried to get back in the zone. So embarrassing! After about 15 minutes she put her hand on my back again and said "now, we are done". We had a good laugh about it and I hightailed it out of there.


Massage #3
I purchased this one while I was moving this last September and extremely stressed. Figured it was well deserved. When I went to book it I realized it was going to be given by a man(so awkward!) and someplace listed with a suite number. On the day of, I headed downtown and found a big apartment building, one of those where people can rent out office space. I signed in at the front desk making sure they had my name, the suite number and the time I came in. I headed upstairs while texting my sister my location and clear instructions to call me at 1:25pm sharp and in case I did not answer, she should know to alert someone immediately. There was a sign on the door that said to wait, and after a few minutes the door opened and a man appeared. We introduced ourselves and I thought "fuck yeah! He's gay! This is fabulous. Nothing to worry about". I was shown into a room that was, in essence, someones bedroom. We talked about some of my problems and then he began a sentence with "my wife and I...". Downhill from there. I lay on the table and tried my counting again to relax. But while he was massaging me the whole time I heard in my head "He's tenderizing your flesh to make his wife a winter coat". Then there's that whole thing where they get extremely close to your body (and head) all which happens to be crotch level. So, I was very much aware that his crotch was at my head and that my hand was very close to his crotch as well every time he walked around. It was all unsettling. And then I wondered of course if they get turned on by all this (yes it's their job, but it's a natural response, people!) We finished, I got dressed and walked out of there never wanting to see him again (that's what she said??)


Final Thoughts:
I did feel better after than last one, and there's definitely some truth behind the idea that massages from men's hands are much more satisfying, but it's all so embarrassing. I don't think I would ever go back to the same person. I don't want to know that they know what I look like naked. It's weird. But, I am getting better at this whole massage, naked, relaxing thing.