If You Can't Find The Drunk In The Bar, It's Probably You!

This is my advise for today: If you look around at a bar late at night and cannot find the token drunk of the bar, it is probably you, my friend. And you should probably be heading home.


After a much too long hibernation these last few months, I finally went out for a doubleheader this weekend--consecutive Friday and Saturday nights. And what a weekend it was. On Saturday night I travelled to the far away land known as Brooklyn. I prayed that the MTA wouldn't open the L train so that the birthday party would be relocated to a better borough (ehem, Manahattan...) but alas, to Brooklyn we went.

The place was jammed packed and it was difficult to get to the bar, let alone any kind of prompt service. After finally getting my Pumpkin Ale, I looked around and observed the natives. A giant hodgepodge of actual hipsters, pretend hipsters, sassy gays, and 2 out of place Bronx girls. An hour or two later, around midnight, when I was settled at the bar in deep conversation, a man asked if he could squeeze in to get to the counter. I thought nothing of it and figured he needed to close out. He didn't. He just wanted to settle in between me and my friend to drink his cocktail while practically sitting on my lap.

After about 2 minutes, we realized that he wasn't leaving and that he had a vacant gaze while he looked around the bar. It was the token drunk of the night! 5 minutes later, we realized that he would periodically nod off while standing and then wake to look at me with his drunken glazy eyes. The bartender quickly realized that he was the Token and offered apologetic complimentary Jameson shots for the group.

I wondered this, where were his friends? Why did he think that another drink was appropriate? And, does he know?

I wanted to ask him if he knew he was the token drunk and how sad it was to be standing alone because your friends left you for being an embarassing appendage while they tried to hit on girls. But of course he wouldn't have been able to answer, or comprehend or remember the conversation the next day. I have been to enough bars at all sorts of hours of the day to be able to spot the Token. It's the guy who thinks he knows his limit, but always seems to go beyond it into the black abyss of darkened hangovers. He doesn't know where he is, let alone how to get home, and it never occured to him to stop. Because maybe he's sad. Or maybe his boss yelled at him and he's getting evicted from his apartment and he doesn't know how to deal with things.

There's a sad pathetic-ness to the Token. I want to spit on him and hug him all at the same time. Because no one should have to drink that much just so they could have a way to escape from the world. Or maybe, I just have a soft spot for that far away glazy eyed look because I have seen it up close and have felt sad for those eyes and the person hiding behind them.

On Saturday though, I just laughed and realized he wasn't my problem. I had my own problem: figure out the quickest way out of Brooklyn!

You Gotta Have A Plan...For The Zombies

Zombie Apocalyse. It's happening. One of these days. But when it does, I'll be prepared. I have a plan or at least a basis for a plan. I mean, how well can you plan for the unexpected. We don't know how or when it's going to begin. Will it begin in Asia? In America? In NY? In Florida? We don't know but we should have a plan!

There are the facts:

1. You get as far away from densely populated areas as fast as you can. 8.2 million people in NYC. 8.2 million ways to get dead.

2. You gather a group of useful and able people. Defending yourself, hunting, cooking, carrying equipment is a lot of work for one person. You should probably make a group on your phone so you can speed dial them when the outbreak occurs
a. these are the following people/professions that should tag along:
- doctor
- cop
- construction worker
- a fast runner
- people that don't frazzle easily
- someone who owns a cabin, farmhouse, or lakehouse in the countryside.
Preferably with lots of land, a fence, on high ground.
(this is optional. We could always just take it from someone)
- someone slow or physically disabled. For bait. (don't judge me.)

3. You gather supplies. Not 3 months from now when the world is in shambles and the undead are running around and the unaffected are killing each other because our civilzation doesn't know how to handle ourselves in a crisis. Right NOW! I never understand why the people in these zombie movies and shows wait until the last minute to start moving. The SECOND I catch wind of an outbreak, I'm out of here! I'm going to the grocery store, the bank (to take out all my money--zombie bank tellers are no help when you want to make a withdrawl), Home Depot, a place that sells weapons, and Target. There is no, "lets wait a while and see if it goes away". pfft, people.

4. There is a clear understanding that there are no emotional attachements to anyone. If you're coming with me, you better know that if you are bit, scratched, or get some zombie juice in your eye, I will kill you. Even if you are my sister. You're putting the group in danger. Go quietly to the light. I'm sure we'll meet you there soon enough


I think about what would happen in a disaster a lot. Not just zombies, but tsunamis, earthquakes, hurricanes, etc.. I love watching disaster movies because it makes me realize that I don't know how to do anything. We're so sheltered as a civilization, in the cities especially. These are the following things I plan to do in the next year so that I am better prepared for life:

1. learn how to shoot a gun properly. All guns.

2. learn to shoot a bow and arrow (silent zombie killers. Gunshots=only last resort)

3. learn to fight. Hand to hand combat. If anyone knows of an underground fight club please let me know. I figure you have to be in it to learn properly.

4. learn how to build a fire


Be prepared, stay alive.
And to those of you who have made the cut for my group, you will be contacted soon to work out the details.

I'm Officially Too Old And Without A Story To Tell

Since I moved back to the Bronx, the nights I have spent out in the City has greatly diminished. I used to go out at least 1-2 nights a week. Now, I'm lucky if I leave my couch 1 night out of a 2 week period. And usually I'm home by 11pm when I do go out. Aging has made me tired.

I miss the city so much though--Even more so when I finally do manage to get myself off my couch. But the thought of having to ride the 6 train back home for an hour makes me want to hurt myself. I miss the 15 minute cab ride home. Going out in the Bronx is ok, but it's not the same. Our choices here are limited.

I was on the UES this past Saturday. I left around 1 am and while walking to the train, I passed by all the bars on 2nd and 3rd avenue. And I realized something: I didn't actually miss going to bars. I just shook my head as I passed the group of young twenty-somethings yelling and screaming down the block. I scoffed as I watched 2 drunk girls trying to get each other into a cab, each of them hoping the other knows where they live. I rolled my eyes I as saw some dude try to bring home the silly little girl he just met that night.

I don't miss that. But, as I was halfway to the train and waiting for the light to change I looked at all the cabs passing me by and just wanted to cry. It was 1:30am, I was tired and I wasn't even halfway home. I finally made it to the train platform to discover that the train had just left and I had another 10 minutes. As I waited, I looked around and noticed that among the garbage on the platform, there was a bunch of red stuff on the floor by the bench. Looking closer and putting it together was some soiled bounty towels that was on the bench, I realized it was blood. I wrinkled my nose, shook my head, took a picture and logged it into the memory bank.

Because I realized this: I don't have any more good stories. I thought about this while sitting on the train for 40 minutes. I've blogged less this year than ever before and I realized, it was a cycle. I don't go out, I don't see people and things, I have nothing to say, I don't blog, I watch a lot of Netflix, I go to bed. Yes, the city is dirty and noisy and there's lots of stupid people, but I had stories at least. When I'm older and tied down with kids and a husband (or two), I'm not really going to have stories. NOW is the time to be a part of the stories. So, for the next few months, before it gets way too cold to leave the house, I resolve to go out, meet new people, and find some stories. My couch will be there; I can spare a night or two out a week. It's not even that comfortable,anyway.


This is the only story I have:

Top 10 Reasons For Having A Boyfriend

Bugs. I hate bugs. But when the occasion arises and I come face to face with one, I kill it (or at least try to while squealing). And every time I think, "god, if I only have a boyfriend I would make him kill it".

I have found during my single days that there is nothing that I cannot get through or handle. We never really NEED anyone else, we WANT someone else. And that's fine because it's nice having a companion to share things with or to do things with. Although some people get a bit too attached to the other person and you never see them again (ehem...).

So, while I was chasing and killing my last bug, I realized that bug killing was definitely on the list of pro-reasons for getting a boyfriend. I randomly listed it as #9 but I was curious to find out with that other numbers were. So, here is my list of reasons to get a boyfriend (in order of importance....I think...):

1. someone who will have sex with you even when you're not all dressed up---it's hard out there for a pimp! And it's really hard to try to look good all the time (first world problems, I know)

2. someone to cuddle with and watch a movie---there are only so many more pillows I can buy for my couch

3. someone to make and share a dinner with---"oh, look at the fabulous meal I just made!" I said to noone....

4. someone to do activities with--everything is better when there's two. Bowling, movie watching, hiking, wing eating, etc.

5. someone to kill all the bugs!!!!!!!

6. someone who you don't have to pay to build all the new Ikea furniture, or change the lightbulb or figure out how to connect the tv to the Super Nintendo, etc.

7. someone to pay for your dinner and/or drinks at least half the time---NYC is expensive! I'm not asking for lobster every night, but if he buys me a burger every once in a while, I would be a happy girl

8. A steady date for all occasions!

9. someone who shares your interests--it's kind of like #4 but I can't really call up Christina and say "yo! Jeopardy's on in 10 minutes wanna come over?!" and she also really doesn't care that the Doctor Who season just started or that The Avengers 2 will be out in 2015....

and finally....

10. someone to cuddle with. period. ----my pillow pet is so sick of me right now!


So there you have it. I don't ask for much. Just 10 little things. For now I will just continue to do these things by myself, for myself and to myself :-)


P.S. while Google searching "reasons to get a boyfriend" in order to see what others are saying, I was confronted with just the opposite. Apparently there are way more reasons to NOT get a boyfriend. Listed third from the top was this little article---"20 reasons you DON'T have a boyfriend" (I am only guilty of 2..3 at the most. Lets see if you can figure out which ones)

http://www.hookingupsmart.com/2009/09/28/relationshipstrategies/20-reasons-you-dont-have-a-boyfriend/

I Don't Know If You Know The Alexandris Sisters But We're Kind Of A Big Deal

Siblings. If you asked me 15 years ago what I thought of that I would've said "eh. so annoying. I wish I was an only child." Just another example of how I don't know a goddamn thing! Me as an only child would've been a disaster. I already have some bad only child traits, can you imagine if I had them all!? Shambles.

Now, as I am older and wiser, I can tell you that having siblings is great. It's never a dull moment. It took a long time for my sister and I to get along. Like, two decades long. It's nice having someone know what your face means without you even having to say anything (and if anyone knows us, they know we have a plethora of different faces) and that's something you learn when you've known someone for 2 1/2 decades--which is a crazy amount of time when you actually think about it.

There are no other two like the Alexandris sisters. Lucy and Ethel don't compare, nor do Thelma and Louise or Snookie and JWoww. To prove this point I propose this: give us our own reality tv show. Think about it, if we have the means to entertain the masses merely through facebook postings and textual conversations, imagine what we could achieve live on your tv screen!! We say and do some pretty hysterical shit and people are constantly telling us how entertaining we are. I don't mean to toot our own horns but BOOP BOOP, I am (and yes, that is what my horn sounds like).

I need someone to tell me how this can be done. I feel like I should start a petition or a facebook page and aim to get over a million 'likes'. Maybe then, MTV will give us our own show. I'll even consider E!, Bravo or really anyone who will have us. And the way to do it is this: one season. That's it. You can't overdo it, you have to leave the public wanting more. It has to be real. That's where they went wrong with the Jersesy Shore. First season, great--there wasn't anything else like it and 95% of it was actual stupid people being stupid. By season 3, you could see how scripted and methodical they were in their shenanigans--they had to think of reputation and endorsements and all that other nonesense. Not us. One season. That is all. And maybe a perfume line. But then that's it.


All the reality tv is insane. How do these people get their own show!? All those Housewives and Kardashians and Jerseylicious (I still don't know what that even is)...how did that happen? And why would people want to watch them over me? I just finished reading "Assholes Finish First" by Tucker Max. It literally is stories of his life which mostly focus on how wasted he got and describing his sexual encounters with hundreds of women. That's his second book!!! Who gave him 2 book deals AND a movie deal?! Why don't I know that person!? We can do what they do, and do it better. That is in fact, a guarantee.


Here are some examples of events and conversations that would've been on our show if we had had cameras following us:

--- The time we were stopped by Canadian borderpatrol because we were underage and traveling alone. When they called our mom she laughed at them and said things you do not say to border patrol at 11pm because she thought we were playing a joke on her

---the time I taught my sister about how the elderly have the highest rate on STD transmissions and all about unprotected sex in the nursing homes. You're welcome again

---The time we made waffles with ice cream, whipped cream and sprinkles and thought it was an appropriate meal to play classical music to while sitting at the dining room table, talking in English accents and discussing the upcoming makebelieve ball the neighbors were going to have

---The time we discussed how I could apply for a job at an escort service and what special skills would be included on my resume

---The time we made a complete outfit using just the tissue paper from the twins birthday gifts

--The time we stole all my brothers christmas presents and replaced them with coal



And those are only the things I remember while typing this. That's some amazing material if you ask me.....

The Alchemist

I just finished reading The Alchemist. It's a book about wisdom and realizing your destiny and learning how to be in tune to the things around you, which goes hand in hand with my previous post. On a quest in search of treasure, the shepard boy learns a great deal while traveling until he is finally brought back to the place where he began. His treasure was right under his nose the whole time but in order to see it properly, he first had to go away until he was ready to see it and understand it better.

This book reminded me a lot of The Little Prince, both which are in my top 5 favorite books of all time. I learn something new every time I read them. The problem with stories and movies, I realized, is that they don't properly depict time. Everything is sped up and I now realize that the abundance of books I have read have greatly deterred me from being able to understand and accept the patience of Time. Things that happen over a span of months or years, happen in the time it takes for me to read through it--a little too quickly and a little too unrealistically.

Both mentioned books are short but take place over a long period of time. In my world, they only last a few days and then the journey has ended and everyone is happier and wiser---well, everyone in the book, that is. What I should be doing is going at the pace of the book, at the real time, so I can better understand how these boys learn what they learn. In The Alchemist, the shepard stops in a town and decides to stay there for 3 months. Instead of reading it in 20 minutes, I should've stopped right there, put the book to the side and also lived 3 months with the knowledge that he works at a shop on a mountainside and I would know no more. Like the shepard, I would know of his past and present but not of his future. Then, time would not be rushed, it would be realistic and I would feel what it's like to not know what would happen next. Just like in my own life.

But unfortunately, I am a product of a society full of 'nows'. If you want something, you can get it instantly. There really isn't anything we have to wait for--we don't have to walk 10 miles before getting a drink of water, we don't really have to wait for a chicken to grown before we can eat it--we just drive to the market or turn on the faucet. I was just thinking about a package I was recently waiting for. It was supposed to be here within a week, but 2 weeks later, no package. I was agitated every day it wasn't here until I finally found out the delay was because they sorted it to the wrong post office. What would've become of me 200 years ago when I would've had to wait months to get something from across the U.S.?? I would've been a very angry frontierswoman.

These two traveling boys are my inspiration. They teach me to be more patient and to read the signs of the world. To know that you can't change the past nor the future but can only live in the now and be ready to recognize what it is you need to see. Everything happens for a reason and everything that happens is supposed to occur....

Time Wins Once Again

7 months ago I had a plan. I guess you could call it a resolution. It happened to fall at the start of the new year so lets call it a New Year's Resolution. I had a plan to be wiser. To be able to slow down and see what I don't see while rushing around my daily hectic life. That's why I wear a bracelet that says 'one day at a time'--yes, that is the AA motto but it also makes sense to someone like me who rushes 10 steps ahead instead of seeing what is happening NOW.

One of the things I did learn is that I don't know a thing. None of us really do. Every instance in time can be changed and altered by something else at a moment's notice. So, 7 months later as I think that I have become wiser and more aware, I fall 10 steps back to someone who is still unlearned. I realize my mistakes and how to do things differently but unfortunately old habits die hard and are hard to break.

I also learned that we have no control over any outcome. Time does though. Time and fate. I learned that where you think you're going is not usually where you end up. Things change and sometimes you see what's been in front of you all along. And yes, you should've seen it earlier because it was obvious as fuck, but Time knew you were not ready to see it yet. And that's one thing I haven't learned, one habit yet unbroken: Learning to have the patience for Time. Because Time takes time.

I don't make very many finalized decisions. I have to think it through until its old and withered and dead. I look at all the options, go through all the disasterous scenarios that could happen, gets people's opinions, compare all opinions, make a pro-con list, and when I'm ready then I make my decision. The problem with being so careful all the time is that sometimes it doesn't align with the rest of the universe. Sometimes I am too early, but more than often, I am too late. So I wait. But I'm not good with waiting because if I've made a decision that means I want it now (sometimes complete with foot stomping and pouting like a petulant child). And when I can't have it, I reflect and go over it all over again. So, the cycle continues. It's exhausting.

This realization has led me to know the only thing I do know now: I have not learned. I have not become wiser.

Without learning the patience for Time, then Time will always get the better of me. It will always win.