The 'Who Can Care Less' Generation

I recently read an article in which the author claimed this generations’ interpersonal relationships had become a game of ‘who can care less’. I read her article twice and paused at that sentence and thought of several personal situations where that was true. Thinking back I could notice that that had happened, but when it actually occurred it was a natural reaction. This frightened me that I had no idea it was happening and that trying to appear uninvolved and unaffected by something or someone was so second nature. It’s understandable, as a self-preservation measure to guard us against being hurt, but it’s become so part of our nature now and we do it just to keep up with the norm around us.

The author started the article regarding college dating, but then how we act in those early years sort of continues throughout our twenties and, for some people, into their thirties. The author pointed out an instance in her life where a boy she liked in college asked her if she was going to a party being thrown and that they would meet up. She got excited but didn’t want to show it, and did what we all do---act super chill and aloof. But then he didn’t text her and she didn’t know if she would go to the party so she ended up staying home. When she ran into him, she casually mentioned it (because you don’t want to seem like you really care, right?) and he kind of shrugged it off and said that he thought they were just meeting there making it seem like they got their wires crossed. Now, maybe he wasn’t interested and this was a way for him to blow her off nicely, maybe he just wanted to go with his friends and assumed they were just going to pass each other while there, or maybe he legitimately didn’t think she was looking forward to going to the party with him because…she was so aloof about the whole thing! I’m fascinated by peoples’ behaviors and choices and actions (both voluntary and involuntary) and there’s always room for misinterpretation at any given time, but now we have to ‘fake’ everything (including how we act and what we feel) so there’s so much more misinterpretation than ever--because no one is actually expressing what or how they feel! It’s all a big lie and we have to waste time breaking down all the scenarios it could be, and even then, sometimes it’s nothing we think it could be. It’s all very exhausting.

Everyone is afraid of being hurt emotionally—some more than others—but we close ourselves off to feeling anything by making it a competition of ‘who can care less’. We can’t get too excited or too mad or too sad. In the courting phase of a relationship, you’re not supposed to get too excited when you see the other person’s name light up on your phone or be too available for them (even if you ARE home in your pajamas watching The Bachelor). And, god forbid you utter those three deadly words too early...I . Love. ...um, never mind! Because when you get someone who actually strays from the now norm, you panic and call your friend raving “isn’t this too soon!? Why am I meeting his family!? Does he want to get married?! What’s happening?! This is scary, I’m gonna run away now”.

So, to save us all the panic and public humiliation (in case we’re wrong about what we think we’ve read into), we play it cool. Like when your lovely relationship finally implodes, it’s best to see ‘who can care less’. “I’m not bothered”. “NO, I’M not bothered”. And we’re both fine…right?--Except we’re in our respective corners downing a bottle of Jack or binge watching The Notebook. A few episodes ago, New Girl solidified this phenomenon when Jess and Nick broke up---they played the ‘who can care less’ game. And they realized it in the end and decided to just be honest about how they were feeling. Which is so much better, but so damn scary. We have to be even keeled, emotionless robots all the time. But if everyone isn’t saying or showing how they really feel, then do we actually know anything? We’re all just existing. It’s weird when you stop and think about it. If what we’re doing isn’t truthful then that leads to more hurt feelings and misinterpretations. It’s a stupid cycle. Of course, I’m talking about when two people actually care because there’s always the instances where one person is a selfish, self-involved brat who is unaffected by the whole ordeal. In that case, they shouldn’t have been in a relationship in the first place, affecting other people, but unfortunately, not everyone in this society is capable of caring about other people’s feeling and, sadly, this is a frequent occurrence (one that could be documented at length in a separate blog post).

You always hear older people saying that once you get older you stop caring what other people think. When you’re 80 years old, you figure you’ve survived THAT long so, fuck it “your hat is stupid and you need to lose 20 pounds”, and you can say things like that because you have nothing to lose. In your thirties you look back on yourself in your 20’s and say, “Gurl, you were so dumb sometimes! Look at all those opportunities you missed because you were too scared to say or do something”. I’m starting to get that. When you have to go through some strong hurts that shatter your world (or so you think) and then you survive, you start realizing that you’re stronger than you thought and you begin to be able to open yourself up and become a little more vulnerable. Because if you survived the last one, you can survive this one.


HERE'S THE LINK THE TO THE ARTICLE IF YOU WANT TO TAKE A GANDER. QUITE INTERESTING FOR A COSMO PIECE:
http://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/relationship-advice/college-dating-screwed-up

Send A Letter, Save A Text

No one writes letters anymore. I miss that. Not that I ever got many, but there's not even a prospect of it anymore. We post 'thank you’s and 'happy birthday's on Facebook walls now. Invites to parties are electronic. Condolences are through texts. Forget about phone calls...most people get a confused look on their face when they hear a phone ring and answer "what happened?!" Because if someone is actually calling it's either that they're having a baby, won the lotto, or someone died.

The girl I babysit recently got a letter from another 7 year old. I almost died. Not only did she take the time to write it out but she also drew pictures. In a nutshell she was asking if the two girls could become better friends than they currently are since they have things in common and she thought she was nice. I immediately told her to drop that troublemaker friend she has who cut her bangs after school and get with this nice girl.

This girl has the right idea. I don't know how old she is but she sure knows herself and what she wants in life. I can dig that shit.: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/05/02/little-girls-brake-up-not_n_5255105.html?utm_hp_ref=mostpopular

Apparently people used to write each other love letters. I never got one, but come to think of it, I've never written one either, so I shouldn't complain about not getting if I don't give as well. I've written a goodbye letter before so I guess I have put something out there in the world.
We need to write more letters. That's what I'm saying, audience. This is my letter to you. You don't even have to start big with love letters or hate letters or goodbye letters. How about just:

Dear so and so,
I was watching tv the other night and thought of you because I know blah blah is your favorite show. Can you believe they killed what's his face off this season?! Crazy!
Just wanted to let you know I was thinking about you.
Hope all is well and we'll talk soon.

Xoxo,
Letter writer

That's nice, I think. And yes, sending a text is easier and stamps are expensive now but one afternoon as you're sitting watching TV you should pick up a nice pen and write to some people. You can even drive or walk over (exercise!) and put it in their mailbox. I'm sure that letter will give someone else some smiles and send some good wishes your way.
Gotta go, I have some letters to write!


* My friend sent me this a few weeks ago. This may be the nicest love letter ever written. I cried, I smiled, so many emotions. Of course, all in secret. Because if anyone asks...I don't have tear duct. Enjoy:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/emily-bracken/a-letter-from-the-love-you-havent-met-yet_b_5195511.html?1398341002&ncid=fcbklnkushpmg00000063


NOTE:I don't know why but I couldn't get the links to hyperlinks. Sorry. But they are definitely worth cutting and pasting and saving. Some of the best letters I've ever read.

Disney Princess Disasters

There’s been much debate over the last decade about how the classic Disney princess stories have been detrimental in little girls lives and have shaped them to believe that they need rescuing by a man. There has been a movement (so they claim) towards stronger, independent characters in these movies but there is always still an element of a male presence. I can’t think of any movie recently that has no male in it at all, even Frozen and Brave, have men in it that “rescue” the girls in some form. (I'm not certain since I refuse to EVER watch Frozen. I'm over everyone saying its so good and singing all those songs. Let It Go indeed! But I hear there's a man in there who treats her like a real dick so at least they're making it more realistic...)

Cinderella- needed help from a fairy godmother to meet the prince and become princess (her godmother should’ve told her that if he was going to fall in love with her it was to be for her personality not what she was wearing and sent her to the ball in her rags. Real talk.)

Snow White- slept for a long time surrounded by seven little men waiting for her prince to come kiss her and wake her up (she obviously didn’t read the whole Adam/Eve apple story...)

Rapunzel- Locked in a tower waiting for her prince to come rescue her (all that time and she didn’t once look for a staircase or make a rope of bed sheets to climb down? I don’t buy it.)

Sleeping Beauty- another sleepy princess waiting for her prince to come wake her up (That’s pretty much the only man she’s ever seen and she just goes with him? Keep your options open, sister!)

Ariel- Mermaid who falls in love with a human and will do anything to get legs and be a princess (Much love for my little mermaid, but how selfish! “I want legs, I want the prince, I hate you daddy!”....someone needed a time out.)

Jasmine- Spoiled little princess waiting in her garden with my pet tiger who has the pick of all the suitors (don’t even get me started on this one---Jasmine had no redeeming qualities in my eyes. She needed a time out, for sure. And probably a spanking.)

Belle: the sneakiest of all the princesses. Firstly, she wasn’t a princess she was just a girl who loved to read in a small town and was unimpressed by the insipid mind of the local heartthrob who chased after her just to prove he could get her. I loved her—she was strong and sassy and loved books and didn’t mind being on her own. She wasn’t waiting for someone to come save her and I thought (probably subconsciously because I was 5 years old) “Here’s a strong role model. I like this Belle”. But her story was the craftiest.

She sacrifices her freedom to save her father from the Beast (martyr) and then, as a prisoner, she slowly begins to see the good in the scary Beast and wants to help…change him (savior). Oh Belle, if time has taught me anything, it is people cannot change, or moreover, YOU cannot change people, they have to want to change on their own. Now, the Beasts I’ve met (in real life) aren’t really disguised princes cursed by a witch trying to teach them a lesson. If anything, they are the Beast before he was a Beast---charming, handsome, rich (not so much), selfish.

Of course, in true Disney form, there are lots of twists and turns in the middle, some singing, and finally when you think all is lost, true loves kiss saves the Beast, changes him back, his lesson is learned, and everyone lives in the gargoyle-free shiny castle. These endings were the greatest sham and, of course, we all knew it. As we got older we realized, most things don’t have a happy ending and not everything plays out like it’s supposed to. But it took me 24 years to finally realize that Belle’s story sneakily shaped who I was, and now I’m a little mad about it. She wasn’t the maiden in distress, she didn’t need to change or need to learn a lesson. She was helping others, and that’s a nice thing, but it doesn’t always work out and, unfortunately, there wasn’t an alternative ending to that story---the Beast never learns his lesson and she grows old and dies in that castle as his prisoner (after reading all the books in his library, of course). We grew up only learning the happy endings not the realistic ones, and the argument that those stories have a real impact on our lives is true I guess, even for girls who didn’t want to grow up and be princesses and need rescuing.

My mom always mentioned that I cried at the end of the movie and I actually remember that. I remember sitting in the theatre and wiping away tears when the Beast lay in the rain dying and Belle said “I love you”. I don’t know what made me so sad at five years old. Was it the fact that he was dying and his time ran out and they couldn’t be together? Was it that they finally loved each other but he was dying and the thought of them not being together made me sad? Was it that he changed and became selfless and he still was going to die? Who knows. I don’t know what it was exactly; maybe it was all those things.

Now that I’m aware of sneaky little Belle, I’ll be more careful in choosing my Beasts—ones that have some good hidden away underneath their rough exteriors. Ones who have already learned their lessons.

Little Teachers, Big Lessons

It's been a rough week. And when you're standing on a train platform, soaking wet in the middle of an almost 2 hour commute and start to cry from frustration, it's time to say...whoa, lets take a moment and reflect.

I'm sure I've written about these books before over the years: The Little Prince and The Alchemist.

They never get old. Sometimes when I feel like my world is out of whack and I've forgotten all the things I've learned the last couple years, I reread these books to remember. And then I feel in balance again.

The Little Prince:
If you're not already familiar (I have no idea why you wouldn't be..do you live under a rock?!) this little book appears to be a children book but is actually a self help guide for adults. It's the story of a little prince from a far away planet who feels the need to explore and see what's out there in the stars because he's lonely. He leaves his flower (who he loves dearly, although she's beautifully difficult and hard to reach behind her little thorns)and planet-hops for a while, meeting ridiculous people along the way. He finally lands on Earth in the Desert and meets a stranded pilot, a snake and a fox. The little Prince finally realizes, with their help and after all his journeys, that he misses what he left behind and is still lonely, and he wants to go home--back to his flower who may or may not be there anymore.
This book teaches about the dangers of being narrow-minded, the hunger of exploring both the outside world and yourself, and the importance love and relationships have in helping you grow. Antoine de Saint-Exupéry wrote this story on and off for many years in an effort to get the stories and pictures just right. And he did it. Which is why it can be translated in over 250 languages and still convey the same messages.


The Alchemist: This book is about realizing your Destiny, in a nutshell. It shows us how the main character, Santiago, has to travel for years and go through all sorts of trials and tribulations--loss, love, hard work--before realizing that his destiny WAS going through all that to become a better person who isn't always longing for what 'could be'. Just like the little Prince, Santiago is curious, and his curiosity and need to discover what his existence on this planet means, often drives him away from people and places he longs to be with.
This story teaches us that we must follow our instinct and be in tune with the world around us in order to really realize where it is we should be going on our personal legends, and also the danger of Fear, which often stands in our way of realizing our destiny.



Both books teach us that we have to go on a journey--it's called Life I guess--before realizing what we truly need and want, and what we are capable of accepting. Often times, we must leave the things we love the most in order to realize this. But if it is meant to be, if life is just a series of tests and lessons, we often end up just where we're supposed to be. When we look back, when we read the story, it all makes sense. And sometimes we have to reread the stories in order to remember this.

I urge everyone to read these books. They're short and easy reads but have so much meaning. And for those times we cannot learn through what we are actually experiencing, it's good to be able to learn by experiencing it through someone else.

Write A Poem, Read A Poem

April is National Poetry Month! There's only 5 days left so I am going to fill those days with poems I love, poems I wrote, and poems I haven't met yet. I feel like people don't write poetry anymore, just like people don't write letters anymore. We always used to read poems in school and I remember having to write them in middle school. I even have the first official one I wrote. I wrote a lot back them, and then I stopped. Sometimes they come out though and I like it. I like being able to reread them and remember the day, or how I was feeling or what made me write it. I have things written all over the place, in notebooks, in the Notes of my phone, on scraps of paper, it's pretty insane.

So in honor of National Poetry Month...

Here's one I just found that I wrote last February:

The whole world's sleeping
And I wish you were here.
Standing in the darkness
with a smoke swirl and a can of beer.
It was always so quiet,
But it's quieter alone.
The stars don't seem the same,
and I wonder if this is my home.

The whole world's under water
But I can hear you so clear.
Swimming in the darkness
with beams of light streaking near.
I was always so confused,
And yet this is still true.
There seems to be something missing,
And I wonder if it's you.

I can't decide if I'm Me with you
Or if I'm Me without you.
Ones not worse than the other
but both have a darkening fear.
Its different sometimes,
Sometimes it's the same.
But the stars don't seem the same,
And I wonder who's to blame.


Here's a couple of my favorites:

Sonnet XXXVI

Let me confess that we two must be twain,
Although our undivided loves are one:
So shall those blots that do with me remain,
Without thy help, by me be borne alone.
In our two loves there is but one respect,
Though in our lives a separable spite,
Which though it alter not love's sole effect,
Yet doth it steal sweet hours from love's delight.
I may not evermore acknowledge thee,
Lest my bewailed guilt should do thee shame,
Nor thou with public kindness honour me,
Unless thou take that honour from thy name:
But do not so, I love thee in such sort,
As thou being mine, mine is thy good report.
~ William Shakespeare



The Road Not Taken
By Robert Frost

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.


HAPPY POETRY MONTH!

Have You Checked The Data Yet??

The worst thing that could happen to an overanalyzing, overthinking perfectionist is….making the wrong decision. It’s earth shattering…to those people...not to me….because that doesn’t describe me...at…all. We think and we plan and we construct all the worst case scenarios. Then we go back and get expert opinions and analyze the data. And finally, we go over everything again until our brain is going to explode and we choose. And then we learn that we chose wrong.

So in a panicked frenzy, we go back to our data. We go over it and over it, shaking our heads “No, no, this can’t be right. I CAN'T be wrong!” But we are. Because no matter how solid our data is, there are other factors out of our control--people, events---things that don’t have anything to do with ourselves and our immediate airspace. Things and people who haven’t read the data, and if only they asked, you would’ve gladly shared it with them.

It’s one thing to be a fly by the seat of your pants type of impulsive person. The ones who decide on a whim to pick up and move to another city and then realize a year later, “That was the dumbest thing ever. Who let me do that? Oh well.”, and with a shrug they return to their original state. Those people are capable of shrugging because it was their own impulse that put them in that situation. There is no one to blame but themselves unlike the over analyzers who have to constantly keep a sharp eye out for all the various variables flying their way.

It’s exhausting. Constantly having to worry if it’s the right decision and being devastated when it’s the wrong one. I’m a strong believer in ‘you live and you learn’, because every single thing that happens teaches us something, but some habits are so damn hard to break. How can we learn to be the complete opposite of ourselves when it’s ingrained in our DNA?

That answer, I do not have. Because I haven’t done the data yet.

I'M BAAAACK!!

I began this blog many moons ago because I missed writing. I liked being forced to write papers in college even when I didn’t care about the topic. I had thoughts and ideas and I liked putting them on paper. I haven’t really written in the last year because working two jobs barely gives me time to shower and eat a can of soup when I get home and, unfortunately, the weekend is time to play catchup on life duties.

But I miss it so I’ve decided to be better at it and will be writing biweekly at least. I’m doing it for no one but me, and I’m putting it out there in case anyone cares, agrees, disagrees, or is entertained by it. So, welcome to my 2014 writing journey.
I have a lot of things to say…