Burning Bridges

I just saw an episode of The Big Bang Theory when Leonard begins to ask the other guys if they can hang out that night. As he goes around the room and everyone is saying that they're busy he gets to Raj who says "what? NOW you wanna hang out? Now that you and Penny broke up and you have no one to hang out with you and you're all alone...."

That scene reminded me of something I've recently taken note of. Anyone who knows me, knows that I am fascinated by humans. I love watching them interact and always try to figure out their behavior: Why do people do the things they do? Why do they think like that? What makes them tick?
One of my recent observations is this: why do people abandon their friends when they get into a new relationship and then assume they'll be right there waiting for them when they suddenly break up?
I've recently witnessed a few cases of friends disappearing. They get a boyfriend or girlfriend and all of a sudden you're saying "hey, long time no see." "Where have you been?" We've all been there, on both sides of it. And I know a new relationship is always new and exciting and you want to see the person as much as possible, but what happens after a year? What happens when you only hang out with your friends once every two months and punk out on plans made most of the other times? And you didn't do that before and everyone just drifts apart. And then, you break up. And you're sad. So you call your long lost friend and ask if they want to grab a drink and catch up. But they know. They know that you're feeling lonely and sad and that's the only reason you took the initiative to see them. And then the intentions are all confirmed when it happens once again, when you either get back together with your ex or you get a new boyfriend, and your disappearing act starts all over again.

And with anything, whether you steal, cheat, lie, scheme, or go back on your word time after time, it catches up with you. When you burn enough bridges, you eventually lose all ways to get to the other side, and you end up stuck and alone anyway. We sometimes have to remind ourselves about where our loyalties should lie instead of getting caught up in the shiny and new fleeting moments of things.

In the 5th season of The Wire, McNulty's girlfriend was trying to explain something to his self destructive demon. She said (and I'm paraphrasing): At your funeral, those fleeting people won't be there. The people you know from the bar won't be there. They'll ask about you a couple months from now and when they hear you're dead, they'll say 'thats a shame' and continue on. Most of your friends won't be there either. Because you burned some bridges. But, family WILL be there. The people who ACTUALLY care about you and about what happens to you, will be there. And maybe, if you're lucky a few of those longtime friends.

I think that's a good rule of thumb to keep things in perspective. Asking yourself, will this person who I'm so attached to right now, or this person who I chose to be with over someone who cared about me, will they be at my funeral? Will they care if they never see me again?

And sometimes it's all okay, and sometimes we find out that we made the wrong choice and have lost the best friend we've ever had.

Dreams

I love dreams. Messages from your subconscious, if you will (and if you believe Freud). Our fears, our hopes,our desires, all manifest in the dark as we sleep. And, sometimes you can recall them so vividly that they are remembered 20 years into the future. And, sometimes the second you wake up, you struggle to even recall the last image. I believe in dreams that foretell the future, premonitions. It happens some times.
I had a dream the other night. It was the weirdest thing. I went to a friends house because I felt like I had no other place to go. I get there to discover that he's adopted a little Asian girl. I'm left alone in his house and it isn't even the house he actually lives in (on a side note, I find it very funny how dreams can change small facts--you can be in a place but it's not the exact place or a person who is not the actual person you know. Funny what the mind comes up with). Well, in this house I felt like it was haunted. I felt an uneasiness. I walked over to the oven and lit it. It created a blast. I could feel it in my sleep. No fire, funny enough. Just a combustion. My friend returned home and we found ourselves outside on the sidewalk drinking champagne.
I woke up wondering what it meant. Was I haunted by something in my subconscious? Do I feel like I'm near something explosive? Champagne would signify a celebration of some sort so, have I survived my ghost?
The night after, I had another dream. This time I was performing. I was actually in the cast of Smash (that's a tv show about NYC musicals and the lives of everyone involved, fyi). I was performing with a mix of people from real life and the cast. I was off stage trying to to get into my next costume, but I put it on and realized that it was see through. I panicked that I couldn't go out of stage for everyone to see my underwear, so I started borrowing clothes. Once I think that it's fine, the outfit is see-through again. It was getting closer to my cue and I couldn't go on stage. Then at some point I was in a movie theatre. It was empty and the screen was blank. But there was a crate of chickens in front of it.
Now, chickens apparently symbolize cowardliness and a lack of will power. The only things I can gather from the other part is that I want to be in the spotlight but I'm so scared to let other people see right through me. I don't want to be vunerable. Maybe that's where the chickens come in.
I've been trying to figure out what I'm so scared of, what's haunting me, and what makes me so afraid to be exposed. I hope the third dream helps me out. We need an ending to this story.



Note: I did have a 3rd dream that night. Long story short, I was trying to get a babysitting job and when I got there the twins were frighteningly ugly and their mother was trying to get me to take care of them overnight for only $15 an hour! Apparently babies signify a new beginning. It didn't say anything about ugly babies. A not so good new beginning??

What does it all mean!?!?!

Learning To Drive

I'm about to cross something else off of my list of things to do for 2012...getting my license. It was on the list of things to do for the summer but has been pushed up since I just realized my permit was expiring after 4 years. So, crunch time. I have 5 weeks to learn how to properly drive and to pass the test. There is no room for failure. I've driven a few times with my sister about 1 1/2 years ago but she stopped letting me drive her car after a minor incident. I still think she blew it out of proportion though. I just wanted to get on the road and she was quizzing me about all this nonesense. In frustration the conversation went something like this: Maria: check the mirror. Me: ok. Maria: where's the signal? Me: here. Maria: What are the pedals? Me: God! It's gas and reverse ok?! Can we go! Maria: get out. So, it's been a while since I've been behind the wheel. My mom let me drive her car last week for the first time. I discovered a little quirk: I sing everything I do when driving. Songs such as "makin' a right turn, oh yeah. we're turning right, yeah" and "going slow over the bump...so slow like a turtle". It's my thing. Accept it. Last Thursday was my first lesson with an instructor. I was kind of amazing. I told him to give me a grade at the end. It was 100! what, what! And, I don't think he was just being nice. At some point he said "are you sure you haven't driven before?". I responded with "I play a lot of video games. So technically, I've been driving since I was 10 years old." June 5th is my road test. There is no room for failure. If I do fail, I have to renew my permit which means I have to take the written test over and pay for it again. That's not happening. But if for some reason they make me do it, I will pull a Sheldon and force them to just hand it over to me: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ibCck2iDOqA Getting things done for 2012....lets do this shit!

Lesson Learned

One year ago today I learned a lesson about humans, one that I already knew but apparently needed to be reminded of once again.

Humans are horrible to each other and capable of anything.

Even the ones who are not maliciously, evil, psychopathic murderers do things that are less than friendly to their fellow man. We are sometimes mean to strangers or friends, we hurt people we love and sometimes take for granted the people who love us. Time has shown that people are capable of doing many things, sometimes the things that are least expected of them.

But what I also learned, is that we are capable of handling anything and everything, as well. At times when I thought I could no longer endure what I had to handle, I pulled through. Even when you're hanging on to your last shred of hope and are crumbled on the ground you remember that there's only two ways you can go: it can either get worse and you can tumble further into the black abyss that has just opened up beneath you or the clouds disappear revealing a bright sun and then you pick yourself up and and everything begins to get better. You never know which way it will go so you just breathe and roll with it for a while until the smoke clears. Eventually, up is the only way you can go, so exhibiting some patience always works well.

Looking back I'm amazed at the things that have happened and the things I've bounced back from. We learn from everything that happens, even if sometimes it takes a while to brush all the dirt off your knees, but it happens. Eventually.

The dirt's almost completely wiped away, and although there's the occasional foggy day, I can still see through to the other side. The better side.

Stop And Take A Look

About 3-4 times a year, I make a point of walking around the city (mostly in Central Park) and taking pictures of what I see. I go out with a purpose and a question: What do I see? I'm sure to put away all distractions, so ipod and cell phone go in the bag and I arm myself with my camera.

This city is crazy. We rush around trying to get to our destinations and don't even take note of the things or people that whiz by us. You can tell the real New Yorkers by the way they don't even flinch when there's something out of the ordinary. There can be a clown on a ledge of a building, a cowboy dressed in his underwear playing the guitar, and a 6 foot rabbit all on the same corner and we won't even notice. We will notice, though, the group of tourists in front of us trying to get a picture of that nonsense who just slowed us down and will pass them with a grunt and an eye roll.

I hate that I don't see things in the city, I pass them. So, I make a point of SEEING. As I begin, I literally have to remind myself to slow down and look around and ask myself over and over, "okay, so what do you SEE." In the park I have no agenda. I meander. I go where the path takes me and every single time I cross something I didn't know existed. This time I ended up in Shakespeare's garden. I had no idea that was even there! And I've walked near it pretty much every time I've been in the park.

This year, I was hoping that we would get some snow since I don't have a winter collection of photos. I'm sure the desolate parts of the park look amazing snow covered. I'm also sure that we'll get snow in May with this whole global warming/the planet is angry at us thing that's been going on.

So, if you get a chance, slow down and look around. I'm pretty sure you'll see something you've been missing all along.



One of my top 5 places in the city

Lend A Helping Hand, Peeps

My goal for 2012 is all about getting out there, doing things I've always wanted to do, doing things that make me happy, and doing things to help others. We're off to a good start so far and helping others is next on the list.

I wanted to raise money for a cause and deliberated for a while on which one. There's the Aids Walk in May which is a pretty popular one and the Avon Walk for breast cancer in October which is equally famous. The men get Movember full of fun (and creepy) moustaches. So I decided to search around and choose one that was less well known--help the underdogs, you know.

So, I finally decided on The Unity Walk which helps raise money for Parkinson's disease research. The walk is held on April 28th this year and the fundraising has begun. I've known a few people affected by this disease and have read quite a bit about it, so it was a pretty easy decision to make having seen how it affects individuals and their families. As of right now, there is no cure for this disease which is a progressive disorder of the central nervous system and mainly affects movement (and yes, it is what Michael J. Fox has). There is medication that can treat it but we don't know what exactly causes it or how to get rid of it.

When I finally decided, I wanted to elicit some help and figured it would be a great project for our National Honors Society kids. I wasn't expecting much from them, maybe a bake sale or two. I mean, you can't really force people to care. But I was amazed by them after the first meeting. They were so excited to fundraise and kept coming up with ideas just short of selling each other (they actually DID want to auction each other off...true story). I left that meeting really excited that they were so excited and it lit a spark. We decided on having a concession stand for our musical performances this year and decided to make and sell our own custom made bracelets.

We're off to a good start so far. We've raised about $100 already with just the bracelets--and that's only by selling them to a small amount of people! I'm really excited to do this and attend the walk on April 28th. Our goal is to raise $500. I really hope we make it.

I invite anyone and everyone to join us. The more the merrier!
Visit us at the link below to join us or donate to our team...

http://unitywalk2012.kintera.org/teamrhs2012
or

http://unitywalk2012.kintera.org/natasha2012

Technology Helps Us Hang Onto The Past

Oh technology, so convenient yet so dangerous. Technology has made it easier to hold onto the past. We save numbers in our phones, can find a person by a click of a Google search,and see what someone is up to through their Facebook page without them even knowing. Our greatest invention of the last decade has been the iPod...and iPad...and iPhone. A convenience not a necessity. What happened to the days of inventing such things as electricity, the telephone and the automobile, the space shuttle? These things made our lives easier but also were somewhat of a necessity and advanced us as a civilization. Yes, you CAN do without all these things but they make a lot of every day tasks easier. What does the iPod do? Other than provide you with music. We don't NEED these new things, we WANT these things.

Our society loves things that make life easier. And one thing these new technologies provide, is a way to hold on tight to the past--to keep it in our pockets at all times. Before, we used to have to memorize someones phone number. And then we would have to actually call them. And, if we didn't have something worthwhile to say, breathing into the receiver was probably not the best idea. If we wanted to find out about an ex, we would have to actually find and ask mutual friends. But now, our phones and facebook does all this for us.

We get to hold on to the past and keep things and people at our beck and call just in case we need them. Just like we don't have to settle because there's always something shiny and new around the corner, we also don't have to let go because we have extra external memory space to hold all our past remembrances.

I received a text this week from a number I didn't have saved in my phone. Just someone asking me how I was. I asked them who they were since the number wasn't saved. He said David. Now, I wracked my brain trying to figure out what David since I usually don't give out my number to random people without having their number as well. So I asked him how we know each other. He responded with "I don't know". Now, here's the problem: he found my number in his phone and decided to text me without knowing how he knows me with hopes that I would tell him. Mistake number 1. Mistake number 2 was telling me that he doesn't know. Because now, it's obvious that he has probably run out of vaginas and thought Natasha looked exotic in his phone and decided to give it a whirl. I was 99% sure I knew what David he was, but I wasn't going to give into his schemes. So I called him out on it and questioned why he thought it was a good idea to text some number in his phone when he didn't actually know how he knew that person. He answered with an embarrassed apology and that was that.

Now, I kind of felt bad. Because he wasn't a bad guy, he had just fallen victim to typical societal lack of thinking before acting. It wasn't his fault, we all do it. We all hang onto things we shouldn't or have things that are of no use to us. My number was of no use to him for a year. Why was it to be used now? Because of the convenience having it offers.

I have always said that when this planet does implode (and it will), our species is ill equipped to survive any sort of catastrophic disaster. Once electricity, phones, Internet, and microwaves cease to operate, we will be sitting around looking at each other and cursing that we cannot Google how to properly build a fire.

Until that day comes though, we will just have to do with the every day disasters of random texts, drunk dials to exes of 10 years past and having to rely on the Internet to tell us what and how to do things at all times.