I just finished reading The Alchemist. It's a book about wisdom and realizing your destiny and learning how to be in tune to the things around you, which goes hand in hand with my previous post. On a quest in search of treasure, the shepard boy learns a great deal while traveling until he is finally brought back to the place where he began. His treasure was right under his nose the whole time but in order to see it properly, he first had to go away until he was ready to see it and understand it better.
This book reminded me a lot of The Little Prince, both which are in my top 5 favorite books of all time. I learn something new every time I read them. The problem with stories and movies, I realized, is that they don't properly depict time. Everything is sped up and I now realize that the abundance of books I have read have greatly deterred me from being able to understand and accept the patience of Time. Things that happen over a span of months or years, happen in the time it takes for me to read through it--a little too quickly and a little too unrealistically.
Both mentioned books are short but take place over a long period of time. In my world, they only last a few days and then the journey has ended and everyone is happier and wiser---well, everyone in the book, that is. What I should be doing is going at the pace of the book, at the real time, so I can better understand how these boys learn what they learn. In The Alchemist, the shepard stops in a town and decides to stay there for 3 months. Instead of reading it in 20 minutes, I should've stopped right there, put the book to the side and also lived 3 months with the knowledge that he works at a shop on a mountainside and I would know no more. Like the shepard, I would know of his past and present but not of his future. Then, time would not be rushed, it would be realistic and I would feel what it's like to not know what would happen next. Just like in my own life.
But unfortunately, I am a product of a society full of 'nows'. If you want something, you can get it instantly. There really isn't anything we have to wait for--we don't have to walk 10 miles before getting a drink of water, we don't really have to wait for a chicken to grown before we can eat it--we just drive to the market or turn on the faucet. I was just thinking about a package I was recently waiting for. It was supposed to be here within a week, but 2 weeks later, no package. I was agitated every day it wasn't here until I finally found out the delay was because they sorted it to the wrong post office. What would've become of me 200 years ago when I would've had to wait months to get something from across the U.S.?? I would've been a very angry frontierswoman.
These two traveling boys are my inspiration. They teach me to be more patient and to read the signs of the world. To know that you can't change the past nor the future but can only live in the now and be ready to recognize what it is you need to see. Everything happens for a reason and everything that happens is supposed to occur....
Thursday, July 26, 2012
Time Wins Once Again
7 months ago I had a plan. I guess you could call it a resolution. It happened to fall at the start of the new year so lets call it a New Year's Resolution. I had a plan to be wiser. To be able to slow down and see what I don't see while rushing around my daily hectic life. That's why I wear a bracelet that says 'one day at a time'--yes, that is the AA motto but it also makes sense to someone like me who rushes 10 steps ahead instead of seeing what is happening NOW.
One of the things I did learn is that I don't know a thing. None of us really do. Every instance in time can be changed and altered by something else at a moment's notice. So, 7 months later as I think that I have become wiser and more aware, I fall 10 steps back to someone who is still unlearned. I realize my mistakes and how to do things differently but unfortunately old habits die hard and are hard to break.
I also learned that we have no control over any outcome. Time does though. Time and fate. I learned that where you think you're going is not usually where you end up. Things change and sometimes you see what's been in front of you all along. And yes, you should've seen it earlier because it was obvious as fuck, but Time knew you were not ready to see it yet. And that's one thing I haven't learned, one habit yet unbroken: Learning to have the patience for Time. Because Time takes time.
I don't make very many finalized decisions. I have to think it through until its old and withered and dead. I look at all the options, go through all the disasterous scenarios that could happen, gets people's opinions, compare all opinions, make a pro-con list, and when I'm ready then I make my decision. The problem with being so careful all the time is that sometimes it doesn't align with the rest of the universe. Sometimes I am too early, but more than often, I am too late. So I wait. But I'm not good with waiting because if I've made a decision that means I want it now (sometimes complete with foot stomping and pouting like a petulant child). And when I can't have it, I reflect and go over it all over again. So, the cycle continues. It's exhausting.
This realization has led me to know the only thing I do know now: I have not learned. I have not become wiser.
Without learning the patience for Time, then Time will always get the better of me. It will always win.
One of the things I did learn is that I don't know a thing. None of us really do. Every instance in time can be changed and altered by something else at a moment's notice. So, 7 months later as I think that I have become wiser and more aware, I fall 10 steps back to someone who is still unlearned. I realize my mistakes and how to do things differently but unfortunately old habits die hard and are hard to break.
I also learned that we have no control over any outcome. Time does though. Time and fate. I learned that where you think you're going is not usually where you end up. Things change and sometimes you see what's been in front of you all along. And yes, you should've seen it earlier because it was obvious as fuck, but Time knew you were not ready to see it yet. And that's one thing I haven't learned, one habit yet unbroken: Learning to have the patience for Time. Because Time takes time.
I don't make very many finalized decisions. I have to think it through until its old and withered and dead. I look at all the options, go through all the disasterous scenarios that could happen, gets people's opinions, compare all opinions, make a pro-con list, and when I'm ready then I make my decision. The problem with being so careful all the time is that sometimes it doesn't align with the rest of the universe. Sometimes I am too early, but more than often, I am too late. So I wait. But I'm not good with waiting because if I've made a decision that means I want it now (sometimes complete with foot stomping and pouting like a petulant child). And when I can't have it, I reflect and go over it all over again. So, the cycle continues. It's exhausting.
This realization has led me to know the only thing I do know now: I have not learned. I have not become wiser.
Without learning the patience for Time, then Time will always get the better of me. It will always win.
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
My New Home
I have a planet. Well, not yet but it is out there. We call it Nay-tash. It sits on Kepler 22b which is said to be a similar planet to Earth in another solar system. It's about 4 times bigger than our planet and has way more water but I think we can do it. When we're able to travel to it, which will take about 600 lightyears to get there, I'll be packed and ready to go. Of course, we'll have to freeze ourselves for part of the journey. I figure we'll make a few stops along the way though, stretch our legs, meet the neighbors and such.
Not everyone will be able to go. Sorry. There is a tight list. Of course, I will be ruler of planet Nay-tash. Duh. I already have a counsil with whom I meet and discuss various matters with pertaining to our new home. Nay-tash will be a place where we will all work together to build our community and everyone will be placed in occupations based on performance and desire. The lack of a degree will not matter on planet Nay-tash. If you do it well, you have the job. And all salaries will be equal. There will be no jails there. If you commit a crime, the counsil will decide if it is punishable. On that note: all crimes are punishable. Punishment will mean banishment. Probably to a remote place on the planet equivalent to the North Pole where you will be left to fend for yourself. We may set up cameras to watch you as you slowly perish. Harsh I guess, but a deterrant of criminal activity, don't you think?
I'm really hoping there's already a city built there. Kind of like on Stargate Atlantis. Just so that we don't have to start from scratch. Abandoned would be good but an already inhabited city could be dealt with. I rule under the 'you're either with me or against me' frame of mind so dealing with natives will be relatively easy.
I'm over this planet. It's become too complicated with its ever changing rules and technologies. I mean, Facebook alone has changed its profile pages at least 4 times in the last 5 years and if we've learned anything from that, it's that newer is not necessarily better. Planet Nay-tash will be kept simple: supplied with what is needed not with things that are wanted.
I'm really excited about our new venture. We have the plans and ideas now all we need is a spaceship and maybe a google map of directions to Kepler 22b. My birthday IS coming up....just putting it out there.....
Not everyone will be able to go. Sorry. There is a tight list. Of course, I will be ruler of planet Nay-tash. Duh. I already have a counsil with whom I meet and discuss various matters with pertaining to our new home. Nay-tash will be a place where we will all work together to build our community and everyone will be placed in occupations based on performance and desire. The lack of a degree will not matter on planet Nay-tash. If you do it well, you have the job. And all salaries will be equal. There will be no jails there. If you commit a crime, the counsil will decide if it is punishable. On that note: all crimes are punishable. Punishment will mean banishment. Probably to a remote place on the planet equivalent to the North Pole where you will be left to fend for yourself. We may set up cameras to watch you as you slowly perish. Harsh I guess, but a deterrant of criminal activity, don't you think?
I'm really hoping there's already a city built there. Kind of like on Stargate Atlantis. Just so that we don't have to start from scratch. Abandoned would be good but an already inhabited city could be dealt with. I rule under the 'you're either with me or against me' frame of mind so dealing with natives will be relatively easy.
I'm over this planet. It's become too complicated with its ever changing rules and technologies. I mean, Facebook alone has changed its profile pages at least 4 times in the last 5 years and if we've learned anything from that, it's that newer is not necessarily better. Planet Nay-tash will be kept simple: supplied with what is needed not with things that are wanted.
I'm really excited about our new venture. We have the plans and ideas now all we need is a spaceship and maybe a google map of directions to Kepler 22b. My birthday IS coming up....just putting it out there.....
Thursday, May 17, 2012
Burning Bridges
I just saw an episode of The Big Bang Theory when Leonard begins to ask the other guys if they can hang out that night. As he goes around the room and everyone is saying that they're busy he gets to Raj who says "what? NOW you wanna hang out? Now that you and Penny broke up and you have no one to hang out with you and you're all alone...."
That scene reminded me of something I've recently taken note of. Anyone who knows me, knows that I am fascinated by humans. I love watching them interact and always try to figure out their behavior: Why do people do the things they do? Why do they think like that? What makes them tick?
One of my recent observations is this: why do people abandon their friends when they get into a new relationship and then assume they'll be right there waiting for them when they suddenly break up?
I've recently witnessed a few cases of friends disappearing. They get a boyfriend or girlfriend and all of a sudden you're saying "hey, long time no see." "Where have you been?" We've all been there, on both sides of it. And I know a new relationship is always new and exciting and you want to see the person as much as possible, but what happens after a year? What happens when you only hang out with your friends once every two months and punk out on plans made most of the other times? And you didn't do that before and everyone just drifts apart. And then, you break up. And you're sad. So you call your long lost friend and ask if they want to grab a drink and catch up. But they know. They know that you're feeling lonely and sad and that's the only reason you took the initiative to see them. And then the intentions are all confirmed when it happens once again, when you either get back together with your ex or you get a new boyfriend, and your disappearing act starts all over again.
And with anything, whether you steal, cheat, lie, scheme, or go back on your word time after time, it catches up with you. When you burn enough bridges, you eventually lose all ways to get to the other side, and you end up stuck and alone anyway. We sometimes have to remind ourselves about where our loyalties should lie instead of getting caught up in the shiny and new fleeting moments of things.
In the 5th season of The Wire, McNulty's girlfriend was trying to explain something to his self destructive demon. She said (and I'm paraphrasing): At your funeral, those fleeting people won't be there. The people you know from the bar won't be there. They'll ask about you a couple months from now and when they hear you're dead, they'll say 'thats a shame' and continue on. Most of your friends won't be there either. Because you burned some bridges. But, family WILL be there. The people who ACTUALLY care about you and about what happens to you, will be there. And maybe, if you're lucky a few of those longtime friends.
I think that's a good rule of thumb to keep things in perspective. Asking yourself, will this person who I'm so attached to right now, or this person who I chose to be with over someone who cared about me, will they be at my funeral? Will they care if they never see me again?
And sometimes it's all okay, and sometimes we find out that we made the wrong choice and have lost the best friend we've ever had.
That scene reminded me of something I've recently taken note of. Anyone who knows me, knows that I am fascinated by humans. I love watching them interact and always try to figure out their behavior: Why do people do the things they do? Why do they think like that? What makes them tick?
One of my recent observations is this: why do people abandon their friends when they get into a new relationship and then assume they'll be right there waiting for them when they suddenly break up?
I've recently witnessed a few cases of friends disappearing. They get a boyfriend or girlfriend and all of a sudden you're saying "hey, long time no see." "Where have you been?" We've all been there, on both sides of it. And I know a new relationship is always new and exciting and you want to see the person as much as possible, but what happens after a year? What happens when you only hang out with your friends once every two months and punk out on plans made most of the other times? And you didn't do that before and everyone just drifts apart. And then, you break up. And you're sad. So you call your long lost friend and ask if they want to grab a drink and catch up. But they know. They know that you're feeling lonely and sad and that's the only reason you took the initiative to see them. And then the intentions are all confirmed when it happens once again, when you either get back together with your ex or you get a new boyfriend, and your disappearing act starts all over again.
And with anything, whether you steal, cheat, lie, scheme, or go back on your word time after time, it catches up with you. When you burn enough bridges, you eventually lose all ways to get to the other side, and you end up stuck and alone anyway. We sometimes have to remind ourselves about where our loyalties should lie instead of getting caught up in the shiny and new fleeting moments of things.
In the 5th season of The Wire, McNulty's girlfriend was trying to explain something to his self destructive demon. She said (and I'm paraphrasing): At your funeral, those fleeting people won't be there. The people you know from the bar won't be there. They'll ask about you a couple months from now and when they hear you're dead, they'll say 'thats a shame' and continue on. Most of your friends won't be there either. Because you burned some bridges. But, family WILL be there. The people who ACTUALLY care about you and about what happens to you, will be there. And maybe, if you're lucky a few of those longtime friends.
I think that's a good rule of thumb to keep things in perspective. Asking yourself, will this person who I'm so attached to right now, or this person who I chose to be with over someone who cared about me, will they be at my funeral? Will they care if they never see me again?
And sometimes it's all okay, and sometimes we find out that we made the wrong choice and have lost the best friend we've ever had.
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
Dreams
I love dreams. Messages from your subconscious, if you will (and if you believe Freud). Our fears, our hopes,our desires, all manifest in the dark as we sleep. And, sometimes you can recall them so vividly that they are remembered 20 years into the future. And, sometimes the second you wake up, you struggle to even recall the last image. I believe in dreams that foretell the future, premonitions. It happens some times.
I had a dream the other night. It was the weirdest thing. I went to a friends house because I felt like I had no other place to go. I get there to discover that he's adopted a little Asian girl. I'm left alone in his house and it isn't even the house he actually lives in (on a side note, I find it very funny how dreams can change small facts--you can be in a place but it's not the exact place or a person who is not the actual person you know. Funny what the mind comes up with). Well, in this house I felt like it was haunted. I felt an uneasiness. I walked over to the oven and lit it. It created a blast. I could feel it in my sleep. No fire, funny enough. Just a combustion. My friend returned home and we found ourselves outside on the sidewalk drinking champagne.
I woke up wondering what it meant. Was I haunted by something in my subconscious? Do I feel like I'm near something explosive? Champagne would signify a celebration of some sort so, have I survived my ghost?
The night after, I had another dream. This time I was performing. I was actually in the cast of Smash (that's a tv show about NYC musicals and the lives of everyone involved, fyi). I was performing with a mix of people from real life and the cast. I was off stage trying to to get into my next costume, but I put it on and realized that it was see through. I panicked that I couldn't go out of stage for everyone to see my underwear, so I started borrowing clothes. Once I think that it's fine, the outfit is see-through again. It was getting closer to my cue and I couldn't go on stage. Then at some point I was in a movie theatre. It was empty and the screen was blank. But there was a crate of chickens in front of it.
Now, chickens apparently symbolize cowardliness and a lack of will power. The only things I can gather from the other part is that I want to be in the spotlight but I'm so scared to let other people see right through me. I don't want to be vunerable. Maybe that's where the chickens come in.
I've been trying to figure out what I'm so scared of, what's haunting me, and what makes me so afraid to be exposed. I hope the third dream helps me out. We need an ending to this story.
Note: I did have a 3rd dream that night. Long story short, I was trying to get a babysitting job and when I got there the twins were frighteningly ugly and their mother was trying to get me to take care of them overnight for only $15 an hour! Apparently babies signify a new beginning. It didn't say anything about ugly babies. A not so good new beginning??
What does it all mean!?!?!
I had a dream the other night. It was the weirdest thing. I went to a friends house because I felt like I had no other place to go. I get there to discover that he's adopted a little Asian girl. I'm left alone in his house and it isn't even the house he actually lives in (on a side note, I find it very funny how dreams can change small facts--you can be in a place but it's not the exact place or a person who is not the actual person you know. Funny what the mind comes up with). Well, in this house I felt like it was haunted. I felt an uneasiness. I walked over to the oven and lit it. It created a blast. I could feel it in my sleep. No fire, funny enough. Just a combustion. My friend returned home and we found ourselves outside on the sidewalk drinking champagne.
I woke up wondering what it meant. Was I haunted by something in my subconscious? Do I feel like I'm near something explosive? Champagne would signify a celebration of some sort so, have I survived my ghost?
The night after, I had another dream. This time I was performing. I was actually in the cast of Smash (that's a tv show about NYC musicals and the lives of everyone involved, fyi). I was performing with a mix of people from real life and the cast. I was off stage trying to to get into my next costume, but I put it on and realized that it was see through. I panicked that I couldn't go out of stage for everyone to see my underwear, so I started borrowing clothes. Once I think that it's fine, the outfit is see-through again. It was getting closer to my cue and I couldn't go on stage. Then at some point I was in a movie theatre. It was empty and the screen was blank. But there was a crate of chickens in front of it.
Now, chickens apparently symbolize cowardliness and a lack of will power. The only things I can gather from the other part is that I want to be in the spotlight but I'm so scared to let other people see right through me. I don't want to be vunerable. Maybe that's where the chickens come in.
I've been trying to figure out what I'm so scared of, what's haunting me, and what makes me so afraid to be exposed. I hope the third dream helps me out. We need an ending to this story.
Note: I did have a 3rd dream that night. Long story short, I was trying to get a babysitting job and when I got there the twins were frighteningly ugly and their mother was trying to get me to take care of them overnight for only $15 an hour! Apparently babies signify a new beginning. It didn't say anything about ugly babies. A not so good new beginning??
What does it all mean!?!?!
Thursday, April 26, 2012
Learning To Drive
I'm about to cross something else off of my list of things to do for 2012...getting my license. It was on the list of things to do for the summer but has been pushed up since I just realized my permit was expiring after 4 years. So, crunch time. I have 5 weeks to learn how to properly drive and to pass the test. There is no room for failure.
I've driven a few times with my sister about 1 1/2 years ago but she stopped letting me drive her car after a minor incident. I still think she blew it out of proportion though. I just wanted to get on the road and she was quizzing me about all this nonesense. In frustration the conversation went something like this:
Maria: check the mirror.
Me: ok.
Maria: where's the signal?
Me: here.
Maria: What are the pedals?
Me: God! It's gas and reverse ok?! Can we go!
Maria: get out.
So, it's been a while since I've been behind the wheel. My mom let me drive her car last week for the first time. I discovered a little quirk: I sing everything I do when driving. Songs such as "makin' a right turn, oh yeah. we're turning right, yeah" and "going slow over the bump...so slow like a turtle". It's my thing. Accept it.
Last Thursday was my first lesson with an instructor. I was kind of amazing. I told him to give me a grade at the end. It was 100! what, what! And, I don't think he was just being nice. At some point he said "are you sure you haven't driven before?". I responded with "I play a lot of video games. So technically, I've been driving since I was 10 years old."
June 5th is my road test. There is no room for failure. If I do fail, I have to renew my permit which means I have to take the written test over and pay for it again. That's not happening. But if for some reason they make me do it, I will pull a Sheldon and force them to just hand it over to me:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ibCck2iDOqA
Getting things done for 2012....lets do this shit!
Monday, March 26, 2012
Lesson Learned
One year ago today I learned a lesson about humans, one that I already knew but apparently needed to be reminded of once again.
Humans are horrible to each other and capable of anything.
Even the ones who are not maliciously, evil, psychopathic murderers do things that are less than friendly to their fellow man. We are sometimes mean to strangers or friends, we hurt people we love and sometimes take for granted the people who love us. Time has shown that people are capable of doing many things, sometimes the things that are least expected of them.
But what I also learned, is that we are capable of handling anything and everything, as well. At times when I thought I could no longer endure what I had to handle, I pulled through. Even when you're hanging on to your last shred of hope and are crumbled on the ground you remember that there's only two ways you can go: it can either get worse and you can tumble further into the black abyss that has just opened up beneath you or the clouds disappear revealing a bright sun and then you pick yourself up and and everything begins to get better. You never know which way it will go so you just breathe and roll with it for a while until the smoke clears. Eventually, up is the only way you can go, so exhibiting some patience always works well.
Looking back I'm amazed at the things that have happened and the things I've bounced back from. We learn from everything that happens, even if sometimes it takes a while to brush all the dirt off your knees, but it happens. Eventually.
The dirt's almost completely wiped away, and although there's the occasional foggy day, I can still see through to the other side. The better side.
Humans are horrible to each other and capable of anything.
Even the ones who are not maliciously, evil, psychopathic murderers do things that are less than friendly to their fellow man. We are sometimes mean to strangers or friends, we hurt people we love and sometimes take for granted the people who love us. Time has shown that people are capable of doing many things, sometimes the things that are least expected of them.
But what I also learned, is that we are capable of handling anything and everything, as well. At times when I thought I could no longer endure what I had to handle, I pulled through. Even when you're hanging on to your last shred of hope and are crumbled on the ground you remember that there's only two ways you can go: it can either get worse and you can tumble further into the black abyss that has just opened up beneath you or the clouds disappear revealing a bright sun and then you pick yourself up and and everything begins to get better. You never know which way it will go so you just breathe and roll with it for a while until the smoke clears. Eventually, up is the only way you can go, so exhibiting some patience always works well.
Looking back I'm amazed at the things that have happened and the things I've bounced back from. We learn from everything that happens, even if sometimes it takes a while to brush all the dirt off your knees, but it happens. Eventually.
The dirt's almost completely wiped away, and although there's the occasional foggy day, I can still see through to the other side. The better side.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)