I Looked Into The Mirror...

Last week I looked in the mirror and realized that I've aged. I knew it was going to happen at some point. It's fucking scary.

We don't realize how much we age because we see the same face in the mirror day after day. Except, we probably don't really see it. We don't study it, it just exists so we look past it. Until that day when we finally LOOK.

We never think of ourselves as old. Our twenties fly by and we're pretty much the same person as in high school, just a bit more mature with a lot more bills. And in our 30's we get married and have kids and don't have time to look at anything let alone ourselves. And then, we fall into the abyss of time. And some, age well. And some, not so much. Genetically I'm pretty lucky--there's no one who has aged so badly that they needed to be locked in a belltower. But if that 30 seconds of being concerned that I need to finally invest in an eyecream was THAT scary now, I can only imagine the intensity of the shock when it happens again in 15 years. And then in 25 years. I can't even wrap my head around the concept of me being that old. I strain to try to picture myself and I can't. I can't see myself past a certain age and that's frightening. And then my head hurts. And then I remember that I should stop squinting my eyes because it's not helping the lines so I open my eyes really wide and hold them like that until someone passes and asks me what I'm doing.

I understand why Snow White's step mother had that mirror. She was a bitch, but she was scared. She really looked into the mirror for those 30 seconds just like I did and realized she needed to go to Sephora STAT or...kill everyone who could be considered better looking than she was...Now I kind of feel bad for her.

I want to interview people about aging. Maybe I'll make a documentary about the shock of aging and people can shares their stories. And then I'll have a segment where I show people who have aged poorly and the caption can be "don't feel bad about your lines, you could look like THIS!" Maybe I'll start it the next time I really look into the truth glass...

Silence Is Not Golden, It's Silent

There are signs on the train that say "if you see something, say something". We don't listen to them.

We need to start just saying things. You know when people get really old and they might be senile (or they may not be) but they start being abrupt. They just say things, like unfiltered children, and you're like "grandma! you can't say things like THAT to someone!" And they just shrug it off and go about their business because they're old and death's coming for them and they have nothing to lose. We should live life like that more...like death is coming for us. Because, it really is. We never know when we're gonna go and every single one of us can count at least 5 instances right now where we regret not saying what we wanted to say. Feelings, crimes, thoughts, ideas, beliefs, we should just say them all. We should feel comfortable saying "I don't agree with you because" or "I don't think it's fair that" or "I'm going to tell you some facts and you may not like them". We should. But we don't.

There have been a few instances where I've tried to get other people to say things, to be honest to someone or about something. Just to say it so it's out there. And they don't and everyone's answer is the same, they don't want to rock the boat or they don't want to be the one person who speaks up. But if everyone is thinking the same and not wanting to be the first one then no one is doing anything. It seems like a stupid neverending circle: you don't say something, no one says anything, it happens, you still don't say anything....

Not saying anything is fine if you're content about what's happening. The problem is when you're not. When people are becoming more and more offended or hurt by something or annoyed but are not saying anything to change it. You can't do the same thing and expect a different result. You know what Einstein called that? Insanity. You are insane if you're not making changes.

Someone brought up that being that honest would cause chaos. The trick is, for everyone to be honest to be honest and not to be mean. It may take some time for that to happen, but in the end I think it would work. To be able to say something to someone and for them to calmly (and sanely) say "I hear you and I can see your side but I still don't agree. But I appreciate you taking the time to tell me". How nice does that sound?! But that means that we'll have to get rid of all these emotion-driven women first....where to begin.

Ignorance Is....

They say "ignorance is bliss". Well, I think ignorance is just....well, ignorant. I continue to be baffled as to why people don't care to know about other things or why they don't question what's happening around them. I don't know why this surprises me though. You'd think I would've learned and accepted the limitations of the human race by now. I guess I'm a secret optimist; I want to believe that people want to be better, that people don't want to just exist. Just because you're breathing doesn't mean you're alive right?

I was going over reading music notes with my friend today and we came across an eighth note. Now, I've always had trouble counting it out because it's "1 and, 2 and.." as one note. The 'and' messes me up. So, while going over the count I said "why?. Why do we have that?" She answered "because that's how the composer wrote it" and I said "why? who came up with it? We created music notes right? so why? why can't we just count it as 1,2,3,4,1,2,3,4. Why did we complicate it?"

I felt silly asking it because there's no answer. It just exists and that's what it is. That's how it is, and I need to accept it. I would like to know why though. Some people can't see beyond what's in front of them because,most of the time, people don't care. And that makes me sad. Like, for instance, when we travel we should try to learn about the people and culture we're invading. And what I've learned from my recent travels to Italy is that people don't care--they just exist and plop themselves down wherever. Some people think that everyone should speak English and eat the same foods they do, and that may not be YOU reading this (because you're wordly and observant and awesome) but a lot of people do think this way, and it's ignorant. And instead of accepting and learning about it they sneer at it and compare it to their country. And what saddened me is that a lot of the signs in Italy were in English and they listened to our crappy pop music--They conformed to our needs, they accomodated US instead of us trying to fit in and learn the language spoken where we were. Our American ignorance has infiltrated other lands and people are looking up to us and wanting to BE us. We may be a land that's large and loud filled with people and a multitude of technologies but I don't think we should be a role model for other countries.

We need to ask why more. And sometimes we should ask how. And all of the time, we should just ask. Because if we're not asking and not learning, then what the hell are we doing here? Maybe that's just me. Maybe some people are content with just existing, using up resources, aging and waiting for the reaper to come and take them wherever the hell it is we go.

The Road Less Travelled

How do we really know that we are on the right path? How do we know that our choices are correct? There's no way to check our work. There's no answer key. Are we in the right line of work? Did we marry the right person? Should we really have had kids when we did? We just live every day and take it as it comes. But if we have to deal with what we have and take it as it is, then how do we know that we should change? How do we know it's wrong if we can't check to see if the answer is right?

I don't like not knowing things and I don't like being surprised and unprepared. It makes me uneasy, so I guess, then life itself makes me uneasy. I've always stood firmly behind the idea that we learn from experiences (good or bad) and then we do it better but when it's not just about living, when you have to make an actual decision (go right or go left)no one can tell you if you're right. And, for someone like me who loves to check and recheck and operates with the idea that you are either right or wrong at all times, it's not exactly easy to make choices.

My friend recently said to me as we were having a conversation that I should just pick up and move to another city, like London since I'm such an Anglophile. When I said that I could never do that because I'm a worrier and don't like uncertainty, she seemed confused and said "you seem like the type of person who would just do something like that--Who's ballsy enough." I thought that night about what she said and although it seems like a good idea on paper since I don't really have anything tying me down here, I could never do it. It was interesting that she views me as someone who's brave and gutsy and able to run out into the unknown. Brave is not a word I would use to describe me. I'm a perfectionist, a worrier, a realist, bossy, observant, witty but not brave.

Then I thought: What if she's right? Sometimes people can see us better than we see ourselves and maybe I am braver than I think I am. Maybe I'm like Bilbo Baggins who lived on his quiet shire with his predictable life until Gandalf came along and taught him that he was brave and courageous and then he can't stop and yearns for adventure for the rest of his life(yeah, that parallel just happened). So, I've decided that I'm not going to be scared anymore. I am braver than I give myself credit for and I may just start jumping off some ledges this year.

I Resolve to Not Make Resolutions

January. The time of every year where people make "resolutions" that they promise to keep this time. No, really. They will. It's sooo different than last January. And yet, by February (or if lucky by March)it's all forgotten and back to our old tricks and nasty habits.

I learned last year, that you can't force yourself to do things, just because you learned from a young age what and who you're supposed to be, or think that's how you're supposed to be. Last year I gave myself Goals. Yes, I like to call them Goals, maybe it's just a less fancy word but it isn't as daunting as RESOLUTION (which is defined as 'a firm determination'---scary!). Yes, smoking is bad for you and you should quit. And January comes around and you do. For about 3 weeks and then you go back to smoking. Because you weren't ready to let it go, you needed more time! But everyone told you to do it and you listened. Foolish.

I wrote down things that I've wanted to do, or was supposed to do but never did, the projects that I never finished. I wrote the most plausible and easiest to accomplish at the top and then continued with the bigger things. I wrote this list with the desire of completing these things within the year but recognized that I may not be ready for some of them. Sometimes, people fail to realize that they aren't ready for certain things in their lives and forcing yourself to do something is counterproductive and usually always ends in failure.

So, some things from horrid 2012 have rolled into the new year. I recognize that I needed a little more time. And that's ok. Because life is all about timing and patience and I think I may have finally mastered that recently.

I began writing this blog a few years ago, because I wasn't taking many classes and I felt that I was getting stupid and forgot how to properly write. Although last year I didn't write as much as I should've, I'm actually surprised it's survived this long. I tend to get bored of things easily and abandon them, but it's still here and its' the same link from the beginning and I'm quite proud of that. That's one of the goals this year: write more blog posts. I think I'm going to get a check plus for that goal.

If You Can't Find The Drunk In The Bar, It's Probably You!

This is my advise for today: If you look around at a bar late at night and cannot find the token drunk of the bar, it is probably you, my friend. And you should probably be heading home.


After a much too long hibernation these last few months, I finally went out for a doubleheader this weekend--consecutive Friday and Saturday nights. And what a weekend it was. On Saturday night I travelled to the far away land known as Brooklyn. I prayed that the MTA wouldn't open the L train so that the birthday party would be relocated to a better borough (ehem, Manahattan...) but alas, to Brooklyn we went.

The place was jammed packed and it was difficult to get to the bar, let alone any kind of prompt service. After finally getting my Pumpkin Ale, I looked around and observed the natives. A giant hodgepodge of actual hipsters, pretend hipsters, sassy gays, and 2 out of place Bronx girls. An hour or two later, around midnight, when I was settled at the bar in deep conversation, a man asked if he could squeeze in to get to the counter. I thought nothing of it and figured he needed to close out. He didn't. He just wanted to settle in between me and my friend to drink his cocktail while practically sitting on my lap.

After about 2 minutes, we realized that he wasn't leaving and that he had a vacant gaze while he looked around the bar. It was the token drunk of the night! 5 minutes later, we realized that he would periodically nod off while standing and then wake to look at me with his drunken glazy eyes. The bartender quickly realized that he was the Token and offered apologetic complimentary Jameson shots for the group.

I wondered this, where were his friends? Why did he think that another drink was appropriate? And, does he know?

I wanted to ask him if he knew he was the token drunk and how sad it was to be standing alone because your friends left you for being an embarassing appendage while they tried to hit on girls. But of course he wouldn't have been able to answer, or comprehend or remember the conversation the next day. I have been to enough bars at all sorts of hours of the day to be able to spot the Token. It's the guy who thinks he knows his limit, but always seems to go beyond it into the black abyss of darkened hangovers. He doesn't know where he is, let alone how to get home, and it never occured to him to stop. Because maybe he's sad. Or maybe his boss yelled at him and he's getting evicted from his apartment and he doesn't know how to deal with things.

There's a sad pathetic-ness to the Token. I want to spit on him and hug him all at the same time. Because no one should have to drink that much just so they could have a way to escape from the world. Or maybe, I just have a soft spot for that far away glazy eyed look because I have seen it up close and have felt sad for those eyes and the person hiding behind them.

On Saturday though, I just laughed and realized he wasn't my problem. I had my own problem: figure out the quickest way out of Brooklyn!

You Gotta Have A Plan...For The Zombies

Zombie Apocalyse. It's happening. One of these days. But when it does, I'll be prepared. I have a plan or at least a basis for a plan. I mean, how well can you plan for the unexpected. We don't know how or when it's going to begin. Will it begin in Asia? In America? In NY? In Florida? We don't know but we should have a plan!

There are the facts:

1. You get as far away from densely populated areas as fast as you can. 8.2 million people in NYC. 8.2 million ways to get dead.

2. You gather a group of useful and able people. Defending yourself, hunting, cooking, carrying equipment is a lot of work for one person. You should probably make a group on your phone so you can speed dial them when the outbreak occurs
a. these are the following people/professions that should tag along:
- doctor
- cop
- construction worker
- a fast runner
- people that don't frazzle easily
- someone who owns a cabin, farmhouse, or lakehouse in the countryside.
Preferably with lots of land, a fence, on high ground.
(this is optional. We could always just take it from someone)
- someone slow or physically disabled. For bait. (don't judge me.)

3. You gather supplies. Not 3 months from now when the world is in shambles and the undead are running around and the unaffected are killing each other because our civilzation doesn't know how to handle ourselves in a crisis. Right NOW! I never understand why the people in these zombie movies and shows wait until the last minute to start moving. The SECOND I catch wind of an outbreak, I'm out of here! I'm going to the grocery store, the bank (to take out all my money--zombie bank tellers are no help when you want to make a withdrawl), Home Depot, a place that sells weapons, and Target. There is no, "lets wait a while and see if it goes away". pfft, people.

4. There is a clear understanding that there are no emotional attachements to anyone. If you're coming with me, you better know that if you are bit, scratched, or get some zombie juice in your eye, I will kill you. Even if you are my sister. You're putting the group in danger. Go quietly to the light. I'm sure we'll meet you there soon enough


I think about what would happen in a disaster a lot. Not just zombies, but tsunamis, earthquakes, hurricanes, etc.. I love watching disaster movies because it makes me realize that I don't know how to do anything. We're so sheltered as a civilization, in the cities especially. These are the following things I plan to do in the next year so that I am better prepared for life:

1. learn how to shoot a gun properly. All guns.

2. learn to shoot a bow and arrow (silent zombie killers. Gunshots=only last resort)

3. learn to fight. Hand to hand combat. If anyone knows of an underground fight club please let me know. I figure you have to be in it to learn properly.

4. learn how to build a fire


Be prepared, stay alive.
And to those of you who have made the cut for my group, you will be contacted soon to work out the details.