Hot Pockets (no, it's not a euphemism . For once)

Hot pockets are stupid. They’re highly caloric and not really filling at all. And, they never cook just right. They either have cold spots when you bite into them or burn your tongue. You can’t win with the hot pocket.
Stupid invention.

Fate Or Coincidence?

Isn’t it amazing that we interact with hundreds of people a day, but don’t really connect with them at all? I was taking a walk a couple weeks ago and noticed that I really wasn’t looking at anyone I passed. I just passed them. They were a sea of bodies that I tried not to run into on my way to my destination. What’s weird is that there are probably 3-5 people you just passed who have some connection to you. Your friends’ boss, the aunt of a girl you went to high school with…we’re all connected but we’re not. Which is sad. Our disinterest and lack of awareness is sad.

There have been times when I stated I was at a location and someone else said “I was there too!” or “I was there earlier in the day”. Is that coincidence or fate? I’m not sure about that question. I strongly believe everything happens for a reason. The things that occur, the people you meet…all fated to occur at some point for one reason or another. The more practical side of my brain claims that things happen when they happen and sometimes align with other events without reason. I’m always torn between the two.

There’s an incident that sticks out for me. I went to the movies with MoJo last spring. We decided to walk up 2nd ave for no reason other than it was a nice night. On our walk, a car pulled up with people we knew. 1.6 million people on the island of Manhattan. 8.3 million in all 5 boroughs. 4 people happen to be at the same corner at the same time on the same night. Now, there was no reason for Music Man and Co. to be driving off the Queensborough bridge at that time. Nor did they have to cross the 3 lanes after they turned to be in the lane closest to us. Nor did the MM have to glance over onto the street as he was making the turn. But we met, and it doesn’t make sense.

Now, you can say that those were two different events happening in two very different sets of lives that happened to align at the same moment. Or, you can say that they lined up because they were supposed to happen and we were supposed to meet at that exact moment.

What did I learn from that? Next time, get on the damn train when you’re supposed to.

Who Said It Part 4

Another installment of quotes from my life. If you said it, you know who you are. If you're guessing out loud who it could be, you're probably right.

Here we go......

I need to get an eyebrow pencil. I kissed someone hello and she must have taken my eyebrow with her…I’ve never lost an eyebrow before…

Person 1: it took me a while to rip that
Person 2: that’s what he said

In the middle of a conversation someone said this:
You need to have a water balloon fight in your apartment.
(Crickets were heard right after that)

Person 1: you put them on before you put pants on.
Person 2: oh, I just usually grease it before I put pants on

I didn’t know I was supposed to guard your cherry!!

Stop being weird. I can’t handle it!

Person 1: can you tie it with your mouth?
Person 2: no. But I can fit a lot of them in my mouth

Person 1: I like touching things
Person 2: especially yourself
Person 1: well, if no one else will…

A Regret And An Observation

A few weeks ago I went on a trip to visit a few colleges upstate with some of our students. I’ve never dormed on a campus before. It made me realize that maybe I missed something by not doing that. I was busy working and going to school and not really having a plan. I didn’t want to socialize. I was kind of uptight back then. There would’ve been no way I was going to share a tiny room with another person and a bathroom down the hall with 30 people. No thanks. I barely got through having to share a bathroom with 4 other people my whole life.

But I do wish that someone would’ve told me back then that I should go away for college. It is something I regret. Anyway, on my 3 days of traveling, I made some observations.

- College boys are cute (yes, I realized I’m too old for them now but that doesn’t change how adorable they are)
- Apparently college equals not having to fix your hair before you leave your room
- Sweatpants is accepted public attire (you would never catch me in sweatpants outside my room. Ever. )
- For as much walking as you have to do on campus, there is an astounding lack of physical fitness among the college population
- I probably would've ended up on girls gone wild spring break edition. Truth.

Homeless Hipsters

You know what’s sad? When you can’t tell the difference between a Brooklyn hipster and a homeless person. I had a man with long blond hair and a big beard talk to me on the train platform about a month ago. He was carrying a dirty beat-up skateboard, had paint on his shirt, had dirty sneakers and wore no socks. Now, hippie painter or young homeless man? You decide.

Hipsters make me uneasy. Don’t even get me started about the L train…

My Men

You know those ads that pop up on the side of facebook? Well, there's one with a picture of Alan Rickman that always distracts me. I'm not sure what it's for. Maybe he's doing a play or a movie or something, but it's of his face so I'm ok with that. He's looking older but that's okay. He still makes my top 10. When I do my list of celebrity crushes, mostly all of them are over the age of 40. It's weird. Because that's not what I go for in real life. Maybe I should start cuz my taste in men so far has gotten me nowhere. Except, that now I know that it is possibly for an even MORE douchier guy to exist than the last one which is oddly comforting to know that the last mistake wasn't my greatest.

So, here's a list of my celebrity crushes. The super men. If only they were younger...or had sons...I'm gonna Wiki that. That's my new goal: find younger versions of my old man crushes who may or may not share the same DNA.

* Yes, I do know that at least one of them is gay.
** And no, I am not kidding about Charles Darwin.

*** And yes, 8/11 have an accent.

We All Have Our Own Problems...

I was out at a bar on Friday night and I met a couple of guys. They were nice and we started talking and we found out that they were comedians (not that funny, I think I was funnier). One of the guys was really nice and cute. And then he disclosed that he sees a therapist because he has A.D.D and takes Ritalin.

Um, TMI. That killed the interest instantly. Good for him that he's getting help and is comfortable enough to disclose it to perfect strangers, but I can't deal with that. We all have our problems. Baggage that we carry around all over town, but aside from the fact that our whole society has A.D.D. I can't deal with a diagnosed disorder. It's hard enough getting a "normal" man to concentrate on something but someone with diagnosed A.D.D? No chance.

As my friend would say.....NEXT!!!!!!!!

Personal Boundaries

I woke up this morning to an email that said the following. I thought it was a great way to start the day. A few people were given a quote and had to respond. There's some amazing things in here. I've read it about 5 times in order to fuse it into my brain. Happy thinking people.


(We dedicate this week's letter to Harriet DeHaven Cuddihy, whose old world elegance and impeccably irreverent humor, deep curiosity and optimism made her one of my true idols. Words cannot say how much we will miss her)
Boundaries
“As a woman who was raised in a society where it is implied that women should be agreeable and amenable, where speaking up for yourself can label you ‘difficult’, I personally have found it difficult to do that very thing. Why is it important to have personal boundaries and make sure they are not crossed? More importantly, how can we keep them while coming off strong and not strident?”

Monica Berg replies (Monica is a spiritual teacher, writer and guide who specializes in assisting people as they identify and overcome life’s challenges so they can reach their greatest potential):

These are great questions, and we can best answer them by zeroing in on the first issue you raise, the inhibiting effect that society & upbringing have on our spirit, and consequently how we feel about ourselves and what we deserve.

Women are, by nature, caregivers. We have a great capacity for compassion and mercy, and as young girls we are brought up to nurture and take care of others. Most of us learn to become excellent multi-taskers. But at some point we get the message—sadly enough from our own parents or peers—that we need to excel at everything—and we’re expected to keep it all in perfect balance.

This creates a total impossibility. We become afraid to act because we are afraid to fail. And that’s why so many of us are trapped in prisons made up of beliefs such as, “I can’t disappoint my family,” or “I mustn’t speak up because I will be labeled as “difficult,” or “I have to be perfect all the time.”
I loathe this word: perfect. Mostly, because I tried to be this person most of my young adult life. Unfortunately, this unconscious image of perfection is totally at odds with what our soul wants—to be free, to make mistakes & grow stronger through life experiences, and to express itself fully.

It’s important we see how our seeking for approval gets in our own way. Once we become more aware, it’s then important to set a mandate by which we can live, a certain line that we draw, a set of rules to place for ourselves.

I spent the first 28 years of my life turned too “outward.” And because of this, I didn’t fully express myself out of fear of rocking the boat. It wasn’t until I got more in touch with my “inner” aspect that I became conscious of how I was handicapping myself, and more comfortable expressing the power I possess.
This meant getting to know the motivations that drive me each day, the intentions behind my actions and what my purpose is each morning. And perhaps, most important, holding the belief that I deserve to have good things come my way.

That, we all deserve to experience true love and simple happiness in this lifetime.
When our core beliefs are clear, we find that we no longer worry about coming off “too strong.” In fact, we often become aggressive or act in ways not in our integrity because we react to things and people that we find threatening.

Our beliefs are only threatened when we don’t know what they are.

In addition, in order to create clear boundaries and feel comfortable with who we are, we need to have compassion for ourselves. If we cannot give & be kind to ourselves, we can never love ourselves enough to believe we deserve to be unconditionally loved, truly heard & treated with human dignity.The result of not creating this compassion for ourselves will be that we don’t think we deserve enough of anything. We’ll have no voice to protest when someone is taking from us more than we want to give, making us feel less than enough, or simply making us uncomfortable with who we are.
If we don’t believe we deserve, simply because we exist, then we cannot and will not demand anything from others.

When we believe that we deserve then what is at stake of being lost is so clear and therefore takes precedence. Putting ourselves first isn't selfish but a necessary step in our life's growth. When we have appreciation for ourselves, others will too. Because we teach people how to treat us.
An important distinction I want to make is I’m not saying be self-centered, but rather become self-aware and strengthen the soul aspect within, and build strength on that foundation. When you do, questions like, “How do I know when I am giving too much?” will be replaced with, “Am I tending to my deepest needs?” You will find this balance—and the best version of yourself—when you know who you are, let yourself be seen and believe that you are enough.

This is a favorite aphorism of mine that gives me a lot of inspiration. I trust it will move you too:

"Be who you are, and say what you feel, because those that mind don’t matter and those that matter don’t mind."
-Dr. Seuss


Cynthia Bourgeault replies (Cynthia is an Episcopal priest, writer and retreat leader. She is founding director of the Aspen Wisdom School in Colorado and principal visiting teacher for the Contemplative Society in Victoria, BC, Canada:

It’s not about boundaries, it’s about integrity. And integrity is the fruit of being deeply rooted in oneself. I’ve never been a great fan of strong personal boundaries because they’re too brittle, but the alternative to strong personal boundaries is not co-dependency or being walked all over for the sake of some superficial harmony. There’s another way, a better way: strong TRANSpersonal boundaries. This means being so deeply rooted in your essence and your inner honesty that falsehood is not an option. People with that kind of flexible inner strength generally don’t get messed with and can assert their integrity in a situation without the need for confrontation or shows of power.

This is quite a different lesson from what our culture teaches us! We ALL come onto this planet 100% perfect in our essential being. But during the course of our “education” (aka, acculturation), most of us gradually lose touch with who we really are inside and develop external egoic facades which are tremendously dependent on external confirmation and tremendously threatened by either invasion or rejection. That’s the reason for the dilemma in the first place; a person who had never lost touch with the vastness of their innermost self would probably not get into this jam to begin with!. I wouldn’t worry about being labeled “difficult;” I’d worry more about passing through life without ever having tasted who I really am, and how my inner core expresses itself.


Elizabeth Mattis-Namgyel replies (Elizabeth is the author of the book, “The Power of an Open Question” (Shambhala Publications):

When I first read this question it sounded so 1950’s … do we as women still feel this way—the need to please? But then I remembered something that happened some years back … and I thought, “Oh right, I get this!”

Many years ago, in a work-related incident, a man crossed a verbal and physical boundary with me. There were many people around—mostly women. And yet, there was a sort of atmospheric understanding that everyone was expected to be “agreeable and amenable” with this man. He was important in this context. So when he crossed this boundary, everyone was stunned and wondering what was going to happen.
The situation stunned me too—it threw me off guard. I never thought of myself as timid … and yet I didn’t say anything. The fact that I didn’t respond disturbed me more than the man’s words or actions. Why did I hesitate? For some days this became a puzzle for me.

When we ask, “Why is it important to have personal boundaries and make sure they are not crossed?” it is perhaps because we want to have a healthy and sane relationship with our world. How do we create avenues for relationships that support ourselves and others and the work we engage in together?
Boundaries can support us. I remember my son once said, in a moment of feeling overwhelmed by his own wildness: “Mom, I think I need some boundaries right now.” I understood that if I helped him focus on a task it would help him calm down and connect with what he already recognized as a state of well-being. It helps us to understand how structure can serve us in this way.

At the same time, boundaries can also be divisive and isolating. We often put up boundaries when we just don’t want to “deal.” When we cut off others to protect ourselves we usually react with a little aggression. This often has consequences. We can sever opportunities and even friendships. Furthermore, we fail to see that we have the resources to bring clarity to a situation where clarity is badly needed.
So what I realized, in responding to my challenge, was that I wanted to work with this situation in a way that created clarity for all. I asked myself, “What will serve everyone involved here?” With this intention I could confront this man without aggression. Because I didn’t blame him, I didn’t have to feel like a victim myself—which was empowering.

Because of this shift in attitude I found a way of communicating with this man that was not harsh or “strident.” This naturally created a completely different tone in our conversation; a different tone of voice, of speech, a different tone in presence and body language, and therefore a different overall tone in the environment. Because he didn’t feel attacked, this man (to his benefit) could self-reflect. When I asked him for more formality in the relationship—he agreed.

I have found in my experience that when I have had the wherewithal to step back and ask myself, “what serves” rather than simply reacting to a situation, I find creative and surprising ways of responding to life. It is emboldening and important for us as women (and human beings in general) to find inventive ways to respond skillfully to people and situations. This is where we find true strength, compassion and clarity. In this way everyone benefits.


Dr. Karen Binder-Byrnes replies (Dr. Binder-Brynes is a leading psychologist with a private practice in New York City for the past 15 years.):

The first thing I did before sitting down to write this answer was to find a definition for the word, strident. Wordnetweb.princeton.edu includes in their definition of strident such descriptions as: conspicuously and offensively loud, given to vehement outcry, raucous, unpleasantly loud and brash. In addition: shrill, grating and obnoxious. So, was the question really how can women be strong and assertive and not be labeled with these negative traits? Next, I found myself talking to friends about their thoughts on the topic. They all agreed that even in this progressive era, women still have to walk the fine line between being strong and powerful without being labeled “the bitch.”

Why then are we still grappling with the fear of being seen as strident when we are being strong, assertive and powerful in our lives? I went on to scan the Internet to see what was being written about women and assertiveness. One article on how to be more assertive for women contained all the usual tips, but the final line is what got me. "A final word of advice, too much assertiveness can be mistaken for rude, crass and possible disrespectful behavior. Find the middle ground before asserting your newfound confidence." In essence, even when you need to be assertive, dim your lights!

As I think back on over twenty years of being a psychotherapist, I have helped many female patients struggle with the issue of finding their voices, first in their family of origin, then in their intimate relationships and, ultimately, in the workplace and society. From their earliest years, girls in most of the world’s societies are socialized to quiet their voices and maximize their femininity so as not to appear socially unacceptable.

This all being said, what is the answer? How can women assert themselves and their needs without being labeled “strident?” Unfortunately, I do not believe there is one simple solution. What I do know is that women have to continue to take initiative in getting their voices heard and forming and expressing their views without being paralyzed by fears of disapproval and judgment. Women do not have to give up their femininity to compete with each other, or with men. Coming to grips with this issue is most likely a learning process for all women from their earliest days on up through their later adult lives. As women we must hold on to radical hope that we will continue to evolve out of our fear of being judged so that our voices, even the loudest ones will be heard and not dismissed!