I've never been to a strip club in my life. That all changed this last Friday. It is not, I repeat NOT, what you see in the movies. That place was more depressing than a Bosnian orphanage. And I don't mean just the girls there, the men who frequent that place too!
It was in Yonkers somewhere and named City Lights (renamed Shitty Life, by yours truly). The online reviews stated things like "the girls are really down to earth and easy to talk to" and the lap dance was "epic". (Side note, if you frequently use the word 'epic' to describe mundane occurrences, I am sorry sir, but you are a douche bag. The Iliad was epic, so was the making of the Atomic Bomb. Sparkles rubbing up on you for 2 minutes and taking your money is NOT a member of the epic category. Sorry.) I digress....
Aside from having to pay $10 to get into the place. Yeah, that's right. They made 4 chicks pay the cover to a strip club. Assholes. They also charged $7.50 for a Bud Light bottle. I can't believe people do this on a frequent basis. What a waste of money! Some sad looking chick in a tiny bikini came up and rubbed up on all of us. We gave her dollars just to go away. As we played pool I looked around the room and felt sad. There were the girls who actually had some pole skills (that shit is hard!) and the other girls who lacked skills and looks so they just threw themselves at men in hopes that they would give them some money. There were the guys who were trying to get away from the wives who nagged them and the nerdy guys who have never been with an actual girl before and relished the attention from them.
We lasted about an hour in that place before we scrammed. We ran out, decided to burn our clothes in a big pile in the middle of the street and drive to the nearest clinic for STD testing (if you bring more than 6 people, you get a discount. FYI) It's most definitely not as glamorous as you see in the movies. I was expecting only one or two girls who were actually attractive (I like to keep my expectations low to avoid being disappointed in the future) but instead was met with out of shape pregnant crack whores. I don't know if I could ever do that. You have to be in a very low and sad place to have to rub up against strange, sad men. But, I can now cross that off my list of things to do before I die. Thanks, friends.
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Quidditch Is A Real Sport. Get Used To It.
This weekend I flocked to the very creepy island of Randall's for some Quidditch World Cup action. Tickets for this popped up on Amazondeals one day and I said to myself "what the hell is this?! I totally need to find out what these weirdos are doing!" So, I bought them. And I wasn't disappointed. Quidditch is my new favorite sport. It's something you can't explain to someone. You really just need to see it. So, we went and we saw and we tried to figure out what was going on. It's just like the book, except (obviously) they are on the ground and not flying on brooms. I mean, if they were, they probably could've charged more for the tickets cuz that's some amazing shit!
There are the chasers, the seekers and the beaters. Some quaffles and a snitch. The snitch was the most entertaining part of the whole game. The snitch is a guy dressed in yellow with a velcroed tail. Their main occupation is to get chased around by two seekers. I wouldn't sign up for that job ever. I think they volunteer for the positon too! We saw a snitch dressed in a jersey a couple hours later. The game on a whole is quite physical. It's like rugby...with a broom. There's no padding, they get tackled,run back and forth constantly, and have to catch a ball with one hand and throw it in hoops with one arm. It's pretty awesome.
I also had a taste of my first Butterbeer. It was delicious. It's kind of like a warm caramel drink. Now I know why those Hogwarts kids couldn't sit still. There was less nerdiness there than I expected to see. These teams (which consist of mostly colleges with a sprinkle of high schoolers and random local teams) ran drills, stretched together and took a bitch down when it was needed without a shred of guilt.
There was merchandise to be bought (most of which was sold out by the time we got there at 1pm on Sunday), a fire-eater and death metal bands that sung Harry Potter themed songs. There's a rockin' song about Diagon Alley that I haven't gotten out of my head for the last two days.
Overall, I would totally do it again! It's held in a different place every year, so I'm really excited to travel for Quidditch next year! And, now I have a plan for my future kids. Cuz if they thought I was paying for their college, they're sadly mistaken. They will be working from the age of 7 for a Quidditch scholarship to Harvard.
There are the chasers, the seekers and the beaters. Some quaffles and a snitch. The snitch was the most entertaining part of the whole game. The snitch is a guy dressed in yellow with a velcroed tail. Their main occupation is to get chased around by two seekers. I wouldn't sign up for that job ever. I think they volunteer for the positon too! We saw a snitch dressed in a jersey a couple hours later. The game on a whole is quite physical. It's like rugby...with a broom. There's no padding, they get tackled,run back and forth constantly, and have to catch a ball with one hand and throw it in hoops with one arm. It's pretty awesome.
I also had a taste of my first Butterbeer. It was delicious. It's kind of like a warm caramel drink. Now I know why those Hogwarts kids couldn't sit still. There was less nerdiness there than I expected to see. These teams (which consist of mostly colleges with a sprinkle of high schoolers and random local teams) ran drills, stretched together and took a bitch down when it was needed without a shred of guilt.
There was merchandise to be bought (most of which was sold out by the time we got there at 1pm on Sunday), a fire-eater and death metal bands that sung Harry Potter themed songs. There's a rockin' song about Diagon Alley that I haven't gotten out of my head for the last two days.
Overall, I would totally do it again! It's held in a different place every year, so I'm really excited to travel for Quidditch next year! And, now I have a plan for my future kids. Cuz if they thought I was paying for their college, they're sadly mistaken. They will be working from the age of 7 for a Quidditch scholarship to Harvard.
Thursday, November 3, 2011
The Good Old Days
A couple weeks ago, I found my 1st grade journal at my moms house. While flipping through the hilarity, I realized a few things:
1. I must of had a really good teacher because my writing improved dramatically as the year progressed. It's amazing how much a child learns.
2. I was as hilarious at age 6 as I am now. It's just something you're born with.
3. I love writing things down so that you can remember what happened CORRECTLY in the future. Time has a way of altering memeories.
4. Written memories can be used against the listed party at a furture time such as....
I was appauled at the tv my mother let me watch. From what I gathered from my greatly mispelled pages, from age 6-7 I viewed the following:
1. 90210- really mom? Really? You don't think I knew what kind of shenanigans were taking place?!
2. Swamp Thing- I believe the entry after this viewing spoke of a nightmare I had. Coincidence? I think not.
3. My Cousin Vinny- in this entry I wrote that it had lots of bad words. What was happening in the Alexandris household in 1991??
4. The Simpsons- yes, it was a cartoon, but really?
5. Blossom- promoting bad hair, bad fashion, and Joeys unintelligence. Whoa!
6. Kindergarten Cop- yes, it was about Kindergarten and I was in 1st grade but, was there really nothing else on??
7.Ghostbusters- promoting yet another nightmare.
Aside from my bizarre tv viewing, I miss how carefree and innocent my days used to be. The hardest thing I had to face was that it was too hot or too cold outside for me, if my sister punched me, or if I was sick and couldn't go to school.
If only I had a time machine....
1. I must of had a really good teacher because my writing improved dramatically as the year progressed. It's amazing how much a child learns.
2. I was as hilarious at age 6 as I am now. It's just something you're born with.
3. I love writing things down so that you can remember what happened CORRECTLY in the future. Time has a way of altering memeories.
4. Written memories can be used against the listed party at a furture time such as....
I was appauled at the tv my mother let me watch. From what I gathered from my greatly mispelled pages, from age 6-7 I viewed the following:
1. 90210- really mom? Really? You don't think I knew what kind of shenanigans were taking place?!
2. Swamp Thing- I believe the entry after this viewing spoke of a nightmare I had. Coincidence? I think not.
3. My Cousin Vinny- in this entry I wrote that it had lots of bad words. What was happening in the Alexandris household in 1991??
4. The Simpsons- yes, it was a cartoon, but really?
5. Blossom- promoting bad hair, bad fashion, and Joeys unintelligence. Whoa!
6. Kindergarten Cop- yes, it was about Kindergarten and I was in 1st grade but, was there really nothing else on??
7.Ghostbusters- promoting yet another nightmare.
Aside from my bizarre tv viewing, I miss how carefree and innocent my days used to be. The hardest thing I had to face was that it was too hot or too cold outside for me, if my sister punched me, or if I was sick and couldn't go to school.
If only I had a time machine....
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