I've never been to a strip club in my life. That all changed this last Friday. It is not, I repeat NOT, what you see in the movies. That place was more depressing than a Bosnian orphanage. And I don't mean just the girls there, the men who frequent that place too!
It was in Yonkers somewhere and named City Lights (renamed Shitty Life, by yours truly). The online reviews stated things like "the girls are really down to earth and easy to talk to" and the lap dance was "epic". (Side note, if you frequently use the word 'epic' to describe mundane occurrences, I am sorry sir, but you are a douche bag. The Iliad was epic, so was the making of the Atomic Bomb. Sparkles rubbing up on you for 2 minutes and taking your money is NOT a member of the epic category. Sorry.) I digress....
Aside from having to pay $10 to get into the place. Yeah, that's right. They made 4 chicks pay the cover to a strip club. Assholes. They also charged $7.50 for a Bud Light bottle. I can't believe people do this on a frequent basis. What a waste of money! Some sad looking chick in a tiny bikini came up and rubbed up on all of us. We gave her dollars just to go away. As we played pool I looked around the room and felt sad. There were the girls who actually had some pole skills (that shit is hard!) and the other girls who lacked skills and looks so they just threw themselves at men in hopes that they would give them some money. There were the guys who were trying to get away from the wives who nagged them and the nerdy guys who have never been with an actual girl before and relished the attention from them.
We lasted about an hour in that place before we scrammed. We ran out, decided to burn our clothes in a big pile in the middle of the street and drive to the nearest clinic for STD testing (if you bring more than 6 people, you get a discount. FYI) It's most definitely not as glamorous as you see in the movies. I was expecting only one or two girls who were actually attractive (I like to keep my expectations low to avoid being disappointed in the future) but instead was met with out of shape pregnant crack whores. I don't know if I could ever do that. You have to be in a very low and sad place to have to rub up against strange, sad men. But, I can now cross that off my list of things to do before I die. Thanks, friends.
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