I Don't Wanna Look Like That...

I recently found my high school yearbook and had a look through to reminisce about easier times. Not that it's much reminiscing though since I've worked in that building for almost 6 years now and see it almost every single day of my freaking life. But it was fun traveling down memory lane back when we thought our problems were the biggest ones we were going to ever face in life. Hah!

As I was looking through the staff photos I realized a few things:

1. There are students out there who look at my picture in their yearbook just as I'm looking at my old teachers. It's weird because I found myself either squealing "omg! Mr. so and so! I loved him!" or "ugh. she was so weird".....then I realized. Fuck. My students are doing the same thing. I'm either going to be the "awww! I love her!" or "ugh, what a bitch!". Scary.

2. A lot of my old teachers still work there. They're the same people just older versions of the people I used to know. Some remember me, some not so much. Which I always think is funny when I speak to them. I usually sit there and think "dude, you have no idea what I remember about you". There was that one teacher who remembered I was his student, hit on me at the local bar the first year I was there, and since then has forgotten who I am. I'm going to blame that on the old age thing, not that I'm not memorable....and not that I want him to remember me...gross creepy man!


The day after I looked at the yearbook, I saw these people in the halls. And it hit me. Not only have they aged because that's what happens after 9 years, but they look ragged. I started cringing as I passed them. It was like a horror movie. I realized that they looked like they were run through the mill (or two) a few times and they looked older than they actually were. They were all hunched over and shuffling down the hall with a sad half smile on their face as they said 'good morning'. Because that's what the NYC public school system will do to you. It will run you to the ground. These people look like they're hanging on by a thread. I could see it in their eyes "10 more years until I can retire..just hold on". I wanted to turn and run as far away from the building as I possibly could! That morning was scarier than any zombie apocalypse I can foresee in the future.

It's not just the NYCDOE though, it's any job you've been doing day in and day out for the last 30 years of your life. You get old, and tired, and broken and tired again because you're old. But it's worse when you're not doing what you love to do. When it becomes "just a job", you become "just a person". It doesn't mean anything. And that realization definitely tied into my theme of the year: Cleaning up old projects, doing things I've always wanted to do, and realizing what it is that I love to do.
I want to do something that I love. And I recently made a list of all the things I love in an effort to find what it is that makes me happy. I just don't know what person would pay me to be a music making baby tending chef writer.

I don't know what I want my career to be. I don't know what I would want to do for the next 30 years of my life. I do know one thing though.....I look almost the same as I did when I was 17 years old. No weathering and stooping over here.....yet, anyway.

Goals For The New Year

Resolutions never work. Never. There's too much pressure. So, I've decided to have goals for the year. Which just happen to coincide with the start of a new year.

There are some resolutions that we set for ourselves because we know them to be good for us, but we don't really want to do. Such as quit smoking or stop drinking. Those are things that you do because you want to do them (for most of us anyway--There is always the 2% that actually need these things to survive. That's called addiction. There are meetings for that. We'll go into that in another post though...). It would be healthier, and better for our wallet, if we stopped smoking but unless we really, really want to do that there's no way we're just magically going to stop. And we're certainly not going to cease and desist just because January 1st happened to come around. The stopping, or starting, of behaviors are usually the basis of most resolutions. Which brings me back to the theory that unless you really want to change behaviors you're not going to succeed at your resolution.

So, goals instead. There are things I want to accomplish, things I should be doing, and things that I would like to do. There's no pressure to do them and knowing that, I'm more inclined to do it. It's not some behavior or thing that I do that I want to change, but things that I want to accomplish. I work better when there's an end goal. When it's finished and accomplished. Changing behavior means I have to do it for the rest of my life and I don't think I'm ready for that kind of change yet.

I have a bad habit of having all these great ideas but never acting on them (or finishing them). I usually get bored midway, or have a better idea 1/4 way in, and abandon mission. I have several unfinished projects so my goal is to finally finish them this year. I need to stop being distracted by facebook and netflix and daydreaming and actually finish what I started. That's the theme of the year--finish what I start.

I've also decided that I'm going to do more selfless work. I'm going to try to go out of my way and help people without benefiting from it in some way. Again, I'm not gonna go crazy so if I happen to accomplish and finish one or two projects this year, then I'm good to go. So far I'm organizing a group to take part in the Unity Walk to raise money for Parkinson's Disease in April. I've involved the kids at school and set a monetary goal. Knowing that there are others involved and that there is a date of completion (the actual Unity Walk in Central Park on April 28th) I'll be more inclined to complete my mission.

So far 2012 is off to a good start. I had a lot of time to think about the last year during my week off from work (too much time probably) and I realized a lot of things. I just have to remember my goals and what I want from this year and myself. No half assing it, no more 80%, from myself and from others. I won't settle for anything but the best.

2012, I Hope You're Gonna Be As Entertaining As Your First Few Hours Were....

I spent New Years Eve with my sister at the local bar. I'm really glad that it wasn't crowded at all....which made it easier to observe all the drunk people. A couple hours after midnight, my sister and I saw a couple walk into the men's bathroom together. YOU'VE BEEN CAUGHT, SUCKERS!

So of course we told my sisters' fiance who was bartending. He grabbed my camera and walked over to the bathroom and propped open the door. Now the men's bathroom is tiny with 1 or 2 urinals and one stall. We can see the guy at the sink who wasn't the least bit phased that Sir Billy sat sat on a stool in front of the opened door and just walked into the stall where she was waiting. My sister and I joined him and soon people joined us to see what we were doing. Of course at this point I'm sure they could hear us and that poor little whorebag was wondering how she was going to get out of the stall and pass by us. A rat caught in a trap.

After a few minutes they came out. He was laughing and she had her tiny purse over her face as she quickly walked past us. We snapped a picture while half the bar clapped for them. Someone must feel pretty stupid after not getting any action AND being embarrassed in front of a whole bunch of people. You would think they would leave right after, especially after I yelled to her that her mother would be ashamed of her. Nope. They danced in the other room for a while and then ended up running into us outside when they were leaving. We wished that poor, young little chicken a very good night.

I found this very interesting. I'm not by any means an angel but, if you're going to do something like this in public, you should probably not get caught or you deserve the embarrassment and ridicule. If you're going to do it in the tiny men's bathroom as well, knowing that the bar is practically empty and men are going in and out of there constantly, you should probably change your plan and move to the women's bathroom that is towards the back of the bar and has 2 stalls. Just saying.

I also found men's responses and reactions to this incident very interesting. We were with about 8 guys all ages and types, and the majority of them stated that if they were the guy they would totally come out with a smile on their face and high-fiving like that guy did, not a bit embarrassed. BUT, if they were the girl they would be mortified. So, this proves that guys aren't as dumb about these things as we think them to be. They know how to tell when a girl is easy and probably going to give them a nice little present in the form of an STD. They just seem to have lower moral and ethical thresholds than women do. Both sexes found the girl to be disgusting but didn't seen to have the same reaction for the guy, cuz I guess 'guys will be guys' and it's something we all understand and expect.

Anyway, I thought this was a pretty funny way to start the new year. I hope she went to church the next day. I'm guessing she has a lot of things to confess about....



hahaha! Dummy.