Time Wins Once Again

7 months ago I had a plan. I guess you could call it a resolution. It happened to fall at the start of the new year so lets call it a New Year's Resolution. I had a plan to be wiser. To be able to slow down and see what I don't see while rushing around my daily hectic life. That's why I wear a bracelet that says 'one day at a time'--yes, that is the AA motto but it also makes sense to someone like me who rushes 10 steps ahead instead of seeing what is happening NOW.

One of the things I did learn is that I don't know a thing. None of us really do. Every instance in time can be changed and altered by something else at a moment's notice. So, 7 months later as I think that I have become wiser and more aware, I fall 10 steps back to someone who is still unlearned. I realize my mistakes and how to do things differently but unfortunately old habits die hard and are hard to break.

I also learned that we have no control over any outcome. Time does though. Time and fate. I learned that where you think you're going is not usually where you end up. Things change and sometimes you see what's been in front of you all along. And yes, you should've seen it earlier because it was obvious as fuck, but Time knew you were not ready to see it yet. And that's one thing I haven't learned, one habit yet unbroken: Learning to have the patience for Time. Because Time takes time.

I don't make very many finalized decisions. I have to think it through until its old and withered and dead. I look at all the options, go through all the disasterous scenarios that could happen, gets people's opinions, compare all opinions, make a pro-con list, and when I'm ready then I make my decision. The problem with being so careful all the time is that sometimes it doesn't align with the rest of the universe. Sometimes I am too early, but more than often, I am too late. So I wait. But I'm not good with waiting because if I've made a decision that means I want it now (sometimes complete with foot stomping and pouting like a petulant child). And when I can't have it, I reflect and go over it all over again. So, the cycle continues. It's exhausting.

This realization has led me to know the only thing I do know now: I have not learned. I have not become wiser.

Without learning the patience for Time, then Time will always get the better of me. It will always win.