(Un)Match.com Part 2

The following messages will help enlighten those of you who have never had the pleasure of going on an internet dating site and may just make you feel sympathetic to those of us who have to do it. It's hard out here for a pimp....

“hello pretty lady….I look forward to hearing from your pretty eyes”--- I don’t know about you, Mr. Chaos, but I talk with my mouth and type with my fingers so the odds of you hearing anything from my eyes are slim to none.


“hello sexy”…..will never ever ,ever get me to message you back. Especially when you didn’t read what I was looking for and your whole being doesn’t hit any of the marks.


“what is your favorite bored game to play?”---- Bored game? Reading this message right now

This guy who wasn’t much of a looker himself stated in the beginning of his profile “if you do not have pictures do not contact me"....that can’t be the reason he’s 39 and still single right? At least he said I was adorable so I guess I’m in if nothing else works out.


This guys tag line was “catch me if you can”. In his message he said he wanted to talk...um, that’s if I can catch him, right?


I knew this was gonna be a doozy by the message subject “good morning babe”.
Don’t fucking call a stranger babe. Most people who I LIKE haven’t called me babe. And then the message was this nonsense…..”Your the shit your so fucking awesome I can give you what you have been missing all your life it's happiness fun love stability protection caring honesty passion fill night to be treated like a classy lady your hole life for reals”.
1. It is YOU’RE. 2. You have no idea if I’m fucking awesome. I could be fucking crazy. 3. I’m pretty sure anything you can muster up to give a person, I wouldn’t want if we were the last people on this earth. 4. Don’t worry about the ‘hole’ in my life. I can fill it myself.


Do not ever start your profile with “hello ladies”….ew, ew, ew. No thank you.

This guy: “I would You Like To Know You if You Not Mind”……Yoda? Is that you??

This guy began his message with “..I’m exactly who you are looking for…” I did not feel the need to continue reading after that.

My cut off age is 34…please don’t contact me when you’re 45. When you say I’m a pretty girl, I think of a father saying that to a daughter. Which is close because you’re almost my dads age…

Not all are bad. This guys message was really nice and said “I’m sure you get a million emails but I’m keeping my fingers crossed that you write me back”. Aw, no darling, not a million by any means but some, and mostly really creepy. I wanted to be nice and write back but I wasn’t interested so I didn’t want him to get his hopes up. I hate when girls act like that.


Despite me listing that I’m only interested in Caucasians, Match seems to send me a lot of “matches” who are Black, Asian and Hispanic. Why did you ask me if you don’t seem to give a crap about what I want, Match.com? Isn’t it bad enough that I get messages from the middle aged and large black men who think I’m sexy, but you’re going to then say “here are you’re 8 matches for the day….and 6 of them are black so you’re going to mark that little X and then we’re going to send you some more tomorrow so we can play this game all over again.” Match.com then had the audacity to say to me “seems like you’re getting a lot of messages from men who don’t fit your description. Do you want us to filter that for you?”….Um, YES! That is why I paid you! You’re like the man you’re trying to set me up with….someone who doesn’t listen to me!

And lastly, what I learned on my journey through the treacherous waters that is Match.com:
PROFILE NAMES ARE VERY IMPORTANT!!

jerkstorereject (don't tell me you're a jerk from the start! Let me find that out about 3 months after we start dating)
downtoearthguy99 (probably very far from it)
50shadesof… (I didn’t click to continue what the rest of that was)
Princedannyyo (more like princedannyNO)
funnyjew4u (actually one of my favorite names!)
melancholy...(never ever start a profile name with that. Or Emo. Or Sad. Or Desperate. Or suicidal.)


Thank you for taking this journey with me readers, and lets hope that I never have to do this again!!

Match.com Part 1

A couple months ago I decided to sign up for Match.com. Us single girls always talk about it, and some have even unsuccessfully been on multiple times, but I've never actually heard of a happily ever after story like they show on the commercial. I decided though that I was going to officially do it to at least say I tried. I created my profile but was pained by the thought of paying $50 to MAYBE get one date. Lucky for me, a friend told me about a Groupon deal: one month subscription for $15! How could I say no!!

The way it works is you create a profile and can view other profiles but, unless you sign up and pay, you can't see any of your messages or what guys winked at you or liked your photos. I paid for the month and discovered that I had 30 messages! And they were all what I'd thought they were gonna be....garbage.

I had tried this years ago with OKCupid which was free. All the messages were the same: inappropriate and from men I had no interest in. Apparently the demographic who find me attractive are large black men and older men who look like my father. None of those descriptions fit what I listed I was looking for. You would think that these sites would filter them better for you.

Most of the profiles are the generic crap of "I'm a funny guy who loves his family and is looking for an amazing girl he can spend the rest of his life with"....aren't we all?? Once you actually rifle through the 1,000+ profiles, you message someone and hope he responds or he messages you and you meet him and hope he slightly resembles his profile pics and isn't just looking to have sex with you. It's the same for guys looking for girls too, I know it. You meet the girl and she's 8 years older than any of her pictures and 30 pounds heavier. I get it. Everyone lies. And someone recently said that to me, 'yeah I put the generic stuff on cuz it's what everyone does. No one really thinks they're gonna meet someone serious'.... Um, so then what are we all doing if no one takes it seriously? And for those who actually are trying, it makes it extremely difficult to weed out who is for real and who 'maybe wants and is ready for a relationship right now...or in the future...or ever'.


After reading the first few emails I realized this effort was going to be fruitless but at least I was going to have some entertaining blog material. Lucky for me, God didn't make me suffer through this nonsense and actually sent me a real live person the week I signed up for Match. Funny the way the world works.


The next post will introduce you to all the things men think are acceptable to say to strange women....