The following messages will help enlighten those of you who have never had the pleasure of going on an internet dating site and may just make you feel sympathetic to those of us who have to do it. It's hard out here for a pimp....
“hello pretty lady….I look forward to hearing from your pretty eyes”--- I don’t know about you, Mr. Chaos, but I talk with my mouth and type with my fingers so the odds of you hearing anything from my eyes are slim to none.
“hello sexy”…..will never ever ,ever get me to message you back. Especially when you didn’t read what I was looking for and your whole being doesn’t hit any of the marks.
“what is your favorite bored game to play?”---- Bored game? Reading this message right now
This guy who wasn’t much of a looker himself stated in the beginning of his profile “if you do not have pictures do not contact me"....that can’t be the reason he’s 39 and still single right? At least he said I was adorable so I guess I’m in if nothing else works out.
This guys tag line was “catch me if you can”. In his message he said he wanted to talk...um, that’s if I can catch him, right?
I knew this was gonna be a doozy by the message subject “good morning babe”.
Don’t fucking call a stranger babe. Most people who I LIKE haven’t called me babe. And then the message was this nonsense…..”Your the shit your so fucking awesome I can give you what you have been missing all your life it's happiness fun love stability protection caring honesty passion fill night to be treated like a classy lady your hole life for reals”.
1. It is YOU’RE. 2. You have no idea if I’m fucking awesome. I could be fucking crazy. 3. I’m pretty sure anything you can muster up to give a person, I wouldn’t want if we were the last people on this earth. 4. Don’t worry about the ‘hole’ in my life. I can fill it myself.
Do not ever start your profile with “hello ladies”….ew, ew, ew. No thank you.
This guy: “I would You Like To Know You if You Not Mind”……Yoda? Is that you??
This guy began his message with “..I’m exactly who you are looking for…” I did not feel the need to continue reading after that.
My cut off age is 34…please don’t contact me when you’re 45. When you say I’m a pretty girl, I think of a father saying that to a daughter. Which is close because you’re almost my dads age…
Not all are bad. This guys message was really nice and said “I’m sure you get a million emails but I’m keeping my fingers crossed that you write me back”. Aw, no darling, not a million by any means but some, and mostly really creepy. I wanted to be nice and write back but I wasn’t interested so I didn’t want him to get his hopes up. I hate when girls act like that.
Despite me listing that I’m only interested in Caucasians, Match seems to send me a lot of “matches” who are Black, Asian and Hispanic. Why did you ask me if you don’t seem to give a crap about what I want, Match.com? Isn’t it bad enough that I get messages from the middle aged and large black men who think I’m sexy, but you’re going to then say “here are you’re 8 matches for the day….and 6 of them are black so you’re going to mark that little X and then we’re going to send you some more tomorrow so we can play this game all over again.” Match.com then had the audacity to say to me “seems like you’re getting a lot of messages from men who don’t fit your description. Do you want us to filter that for you?”….Um, YES! That is why I paid you! You’re like the man you’re trying to set me up with….someone who doesn’t listen to me!
And lastly, what I learned on my journey through the treacherous waters that is Match.com:
PROFILE NAMES ARE VERY IMPORTANT!!
jerkstorereject (don't tell me you're a jerk from the start! Let me find that out about 3 months after we start dating)
downtoearthguy99 (probably very far from it)
50shadesof… (I didn’t click to continue what the rest of that was)
Princedannyyo (more like princedannyNO)
funnyjew4u (actually one of my favorite names!)
melancholy...(never ever start a profile name with that. Or Emo. Or Sad. Or Desperate. Or suicidal.)
Thank you for taking this journey with me readers, and lets hope that I never have to do this again!!
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