So, I was born with this gift (or curse) depending how you look at it. I want to believe that I've inherited this from an ancient relative who was a Delphic oracle. I just know things. It's a feeling. I never trust myself though. Never. I always think that my over imaginative mind is making it up. I mean, I did write a play at 5 years old about a talking cat. But I know. And then it happens and I'm a little surprised but mostly angry that I couldn't/didn't stop it. I hate it. It's like watching a baby walk unsteadily near the edge of a table and you think, "if that baby goes down, he's definitely cracking his head open". And then it happens and you think "fuck! I could've stopped that." It's like that. There's always a baby just about to crack his head open.
I have dreams and sometimes I get deja vu and think, this happened. You were standing there, and I was here and you just said something about ice cream but then what? I can't remember. The thing is I only know I knew it when it happens, not before. That's a fucking stupid gift if you ask me. I don't like surprises. Don't like being caught off guard. I want to know things, need to know things in order to be prepared. The problem is that people are so unpredictable that you never know what they're going to do so you never know how you're going to react. Does that make sense?
Even worse, like right now as I'm writing this, I vaguely remember that I had a dream a couple of weeks ago where I felt some intense emotion but I can't remember any of it. That usually tells me, that it's going to happen, I'm not going to be prepared and then I'm going to remember it afterwards.
One example I can still remember so strongly happened last March actually. I had a dream about MusicMan. I woke up crying. I was with him and he had left me in his apartment with his brother. I went after him panicked trying to find him. I looked all over. He was suddenly in front of me and there was no sound. I could see us, but I couldn't hear anything. I could only see that he was saying something and I was sad. I woke up angry that he had made me feel that way. I saw him later that night and told him about it. I told him I was so mad at him and that he made me cry. His response was "I would never make you cry. I don't want to see you sad". A month and a half later, he proved himself wrong. It was a disaster. And I told myself that I should've known because even after he said that, there was an unsettling feeling.
Because I just know. Regardless of if I want to or not.
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Two Roads, One Choice
THE ROAD NOT TAKEN by ROBERT FROST
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim
Because it was grassy and wanted wear,
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same.
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I marked the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way
I doubted I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sign
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
I remember this poem from high school. I thought of it today. The road less traveled. What Frost fails to mention is that there's another road: The one unpaved, full of bolders and a vagabond waiting to rob you. I'm not sure if I chose that so much as I was blindfolded and left there. I don't like this road. I'm going to continue though, mostly because I don't have a choice. Just when you think everything is clear, there's another bump. There's no end. There's always going to be something to keep you from your smooth travels. What sucks is that you never know if you're the only one on the road or if there are others. Sometimes it does feel like I'm alone. It sucks.
That's why talking about things helps. I figured that out a bit late in life. I always live in my head, and frankly, if I can make other people crazy then what do you think I do to myself? I think too much and worry too much and get affected by things too much.
Like Frosts says, once you make your choice, you have to stick to it because you can't stop and take the other road later on. And we try to make the right choice but we never know if we're right because there are no guidelines or handbooks. It's so frustrating. I don't like not knowing things. I never thought I'd be where I am right now. I never thought that I'd live in the city, because as a native New Yorker, I was aware that paying 70% of your paycheck for rent is obscene. But here I am. For one reason or another. We don't know why things happen the way they do but we definitely learn things along the way--even if we don't like the lesson or can't see the reasons for it at the moment.
Life is hard. You're going to hit a snag, a bolder, a speed bump. It's going to happen. You just have to breathe, keep your eyes wide open and go with the thought that, there may have been a snakepit you just missed on the other road. You made a good choice afterall.
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim
Because it was grassy and wanted wear,
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same.
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I marked the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way
I doubted I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sign
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
I remember this poem from high school. I thought of it today. The road less traveled. What Frost fails to mention is that there's another road: The one unpaved, full of bolders and a vagabond waiting to rob you. I'm not sure if I chose that so much as I was blindfolded and left there. I don't like this road. I'm going to continue though, mostly because I don't have a choice. Just when you think everything is clear, there's another bump. There's no end. There's always going to be something to keep you from your smooth travels. What sucks is that you never know if you're the only one on the road or if there are others. Sometimes it does feel like I'm alone. It sucks.
That's why talking about things helps. I figured that out a bit late in life. I always live in my head, and frankly, if I can make other people crazy then what do you think I do to myself? I think too much and worry too much and get affected by things too much.
Like Frosts says, once you make your choice, you have to stick to it because you can't stop and take the other road later on. And we try to make the right choice but we never know if we're right because there are no guidelines or handbooks. It's so frustrating. I don't like not knowing things. I never thought I'd be where I am right now. I never thought that I'd live in the city, because as a native New Yorker, I was aware that paying 70% of your paycheck for rent is obscene. But here I am. For one reason or another. We don't know why things happen the way they do but we definitely learn things along the way--even if we don't like the lesson or can't see the reasons for it at the moment.
Life is hard. You're going to hit a snag, a bolder, a speed bump. It's going to happen. You just have to breathe, keep your eyes wide open and go with the thought that, there may have been a snakepit you just missed on the other road. You made a good choice afterall.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Ex-communicated, ex-iled, ex-girlfriend…they all have something in common
Exes. It's been the topic of conversation for a while. I get all my good topics from lunchroom chitchat which gets me thinking about things. Usually, I'm the one to question something that sparks a big debate. It's good to get away from talking about the kids sometimes. So, this weeks topic: exes.
An ex is an ex for a reason. There are different ways of how you get there but ultimately, they are left in the past.....or are they? With the invention of texting and facebook, you get to keep in contact with people from the past with just a click of a button. Before cellphones you had to actually call someone, and if you didn't have anything to say, then breathing into the receiver was not an option. Now, you can text "what's up?" to someone you haven't heard from in a while and then wait anxiously by the phone in hopes that they respond.
This is where the status of an 'ex' gets tricky. They don't stay in the past anymore. You store their number and still friend them on facebook and they never really go away. So, if they never disappear then how can you really forget them (if that is your intention)? If you still want to remain on good terms with them, then facebook is there to dangle pictures of your ex with their new boyfriend/girlfriend in front of your face when you go to their page late at night cuz you can't sleep. Either way, trouble.
A few weeks ago there was an ex-girlfriend situation. One of my friends came out one Friday night and brought his new girlfriend. His ex-girlfriend was suppose to attend the same outing. All day, our whole group talked about what would happen and if there was going to be any drama. All night we waited with baited breathe. We met the new girl and I gave him a high five (major upgrade!). Then, the ex showed up. We all stood in a circle and watched her as she made her way around the bar. I was torn. I didn't know who to vote for. I've been both. I've been ex who's like, "Is that the new girlfriend?! What does he see in her? I'm so much better...I'm better, right?" And, I've been the new girl who's thinking "please don't be mean to me. I don't want to cause any drama. Can we try to be friends?" Ex did well for the most part, except for the fact that she ignored him for the first hour and proceeded to pout a bit in the corner with her friends and get drunk....
This past weekend, I was ditched for an ex. Mad M., Sassy S. and I were at the same bar where we met two guys. They challenged us to beer pong (which they lost, of course!) and we made friends. They were going to a friends birthday party and invited us and after some coaxing, we joined them. Soccer coach(dude 1) practically ran the last couple of blocks to get to the place (almost leading us into oncoming traffic) and disappeared once we got into the bar. Nice guy (dude 2) explained to us a bit later that soccer coaches ex was there and it was a bit weird. Didn't look weird to me cuz he was glued to her side the entire time. He also explained that they broke up 4 years ago and that Soccer coach was still friends with her brothers(looks to me like they may be "broken up" but he's not ready to "break ties").
Now, here lies the problem. You cannot, for one second, claim that you are "just friends" with your ex when being around them changes the way you interact with other people. If there are still feelings there, then you are not "just friends". You are confused. Also, being friends with an ex is a whole other story. I know a few people who do it. I don't. But the problem is that you've seen them naked. I don't know about you, but I don't have sex with my friends, nor have I seen any of them naked. Once you see someone naked, there's something more there than "just friends". I operate under the impression that we have broken up because something is wrong with this arrangement and I don't have feelings for you anymore in that way. Something is broken in the relationship, which is why it's called "breaking up".
I don't have an answer of whether you can/should be friends with an ex, but I do know that depending on the length of the relationship, it may be possible. For example, if you dated for 2 months and then realized that you are better friends than you are boyfriend/girlfriend, then transitioning to friends is easier. If you were together for a year, way harder and less of a chance. If you were together for more than a year, defriend, erase number, don't go to their favorite bar.
One of the guys at work said his ex still keeps in contact with his mom. No,no. And weird.
So, in conclusion, exes should stay in the past except for very, very few circumstances. And, if there are still feelings involved, then maybe you shouldn't have broken up and instead, should've taken the time to fix what was broken. Because you can't "just be friends" when you know that they have a little mole on their left butt cheek.
An ex is an ex for a reason. There are different ways of how you get there but ultimately, they are left in the past.....or are they? With the invention of texting and facebook, you get to keep in contact with people from the past with just a click of a button. Before cellphones you had to actually call someone, and if you didn't have anything to say, then breathing into the receiver was not an option. Now, you can text "what's up?" to someone you haven't heard from in a while and then wait anxiously by the phone in hopes that they respond.
This is where the status of an 'ex' gets tricky. They don't stay in the past anymore. You store their number and still friend them on facebook and they never really go away. So, if they never disappear then how can you really forget them (if that is your intention)? If you still want to remain on good terms with them, then facebook is there to dangle pictures of your ex with their new boyfriend/girlfriend in front of your face when you go to their page late at night cuz you can't sleep. Either way, trouble.
A few weeks ago there was an ex-girlfriend situation. One of my friends came out one Friday night and brought his new girlfriend. His ex-girlfriend was suppose to attend the same outing. All day, our whole group talked about what would happen and if there was going to be any drama. All night we waited with baited breathe. We met the new girl and I gave him a high five (major upgrade!). Then, the ex showed up. We all stood in a circle and watched her as she made her way around the bar. I was torn. I didn't know who to vote for. I've been both. I've been ex who's like, "Is that the new girlfriend?! What does he see in her? I'm so much better...I'm better, right?" And, I've been the new girl who's thinking "please don't be mean to me. I don't want to cause any drama. Can we try to be friends?" Ex did well for the most part, except for the fact that she ignored him for the first hour and proceeded to pout a bit in the corner with her friends and get drunk....
This past weekend, I was ditched for an ex. Mad M., Sassy S. and I were at the same bar where we met two guys. They challenged us to beer pong (which they lost, of course!) and we made friends. They were going to a friends birthday party and invited us and after some coaxing, we joined them. Soccer coach(dude 1) practically ran the last couple of blocks to get to the place (almost leading us into oncoming traffic) and disappeared once we got into the bar. Nice guy (dude 2) explained to us a bit later that soccer coaches ex was there and it was a bit weird. Didn't look weird to me cuz he was glued to her side the entire time. He also explained that they broke up 4 years ago and that Soccer coach was still friends with her brothers(looks to me like they may be "broken up" but he's not ready to "break ties").
Now, here lies the problem. You cannot, for one second, claim that you are "just friends" with your ex when being around them changes the way you interact with other people. If there are still feelings there, then you are not "just friends". You are confused. Also, being friends with an ex is a whole other story. I know a few people who do it. I don't. But the problem is that you've seen them naked. I don't know about you, but I don't have sex with my friends, nor have I seen any of them naked. Once you see someone naked, there's something more there than "just friends". I operate under the impression that we have broken up because something is wrong with this arrangement and I don't have feelings for you anymore in that way. Something is broken in the relationship, which is why it's called "breaking up".
I don't have an answer of whether you can/should be friends with an ex, but I do know that depending on the length of the relationship, it may be possible. For example, if you dated for 2 months and then realized that you are better friends than you are boyfriend/girlfriend, then transitioning to friends is easier. If you were together for a year, way harder and less of a chance. If you were together for more than a year, defriend, erase number, don't go to their favorite bar.
One of the guys at work said his ex still keeps in contact with his mom. No,no. And weird.
So, in conclusion, exes should stay in the past except for very, very few circumstances. And, if there are still feelings involved, then maybe you shouldn't have broken up and instead, should've taken the time to fix what was broken. Because you can't "just be friends" when you know that they have a little mole on their left butt cheek.
Sunday, March 13, 2011
I'm Stressed Out Just Thinking About It....
Time to continue the dorm adventures of Natasha....
My roommates are decent looking. I'm not attracted to them but I guess other ladies are....a bit too much. Their shenanigans got me thinking about how people juggle seeing more than 1 person at a time. I would think it's hard enough dealing with one person let alone trying to figure out a schedule for 3 that would work out so they never meet/see each other. I'm exhausted for these guys. Seriously. I can't keep track of them so I have no idea how they do. At this point in time, I should probably name my roommates. For the sake of the blog we'll call one Trainer Man and the other Chillin'.
So, Chillin' went out of town for about a week and a half. That gave Trainer Man some alone time. All I can say is 3 girls, 7 days. I only know one of their names. They seem like really nice girls but do they honestly NOT know? Indian Girl (that's what I call her. Obviously not to her face. Yet.) showed up on Valentine's Day while I was sitting on the couch watching t.v and introduced herself as Trainer Man's girlfriend. All I could say was, "uh huh". Sweetie, hate to break the news but you are NOT his girlfriend cuz Nicole (the only one who's name I know) was over the day before.
Chillin' came back from his mini vacation and informed me that he has a girlfriend now and he's "gonna try not to cheat". That's nice, I guess. At least he's going to try....WHAT?! Why is 'trying' even an option! Just try 'NOT DOING IT'. He's not the only one. And by the way, that lasted about a week before he told me he has to find someone else to pass the time with....
This has been a topic of many happy hour conversations. The fact that most men do see multiple girls at one time, and even if you are lucky enough to tie one down and he's met your crazy family(and still talks to you) and has facebooked all your friends, chances are he's probably seeing someone else too. It's horrible and I wish I didn't believe/know it but it's true. I'm not saying that EVERYONE is like that but 92% of the male population is doing it. My friend once said "you know what's sad, I'm the only one of my guy friends who hasn't cheated on his girlfriend".....yeah, that is sad. He also told me that if I wanted to find a nice guy, I am to move out of NYC. He might be a genius.
I think it's the combination of being male AND living in NYC that's the problem. There are statistically more women than men in NYC, so men instinctually know that for every 1 of them there are 8 women, and therefore not only can be selective, but can also have enough girls to hang out with to fill their week. It also doesn't help that from that limited pool of men, 65% are gay. This is NYC, after all. Meanwhile, us women are secretly sabataging each other and shooting ice daggers out of our eyes that say "hold up bitch! I claimed that man" when we should be uniting against these naughty boys.
It's rough out there and I don't have an answer. But I can tell you this, I'm looking forward to meeting that 8% that isn't going to call you Brittney when your name is Sarah.
Next topic of discussion: Exes. Oh boy.
My roommates are decent looking. I'm not attracted to them but I guess other ladies are....a bit too much. Their shenanigans got me thinking about how people juggle seeing more than 1 person at a time. I would think it's hard enough dealing with one person let alone trying to figure out a schedule for 3 that would work out so they never meet/see each other. I'm exhausted for these guys. Seriously. I can't keep track of them so I have no idea how they do. At this point in time, I should probably name my roommates. For the sake of the blog we'll call one Trainer Man and the other Chillin'.
So, Chillin' went out of town for about a week and a half. That gave Trainer Man some alone time. All I can say is 3 girls, 7 days. I only know one of their names. They seem like really nice girls but do they honestly NOT know? Indian Girl (that's what I call her. Obviously not to her face. Yet.) showed up on Valentine's Day while I was sitting on the couch watching t.v and introduced herself as Trainer Man's girlfriend. All I could say was, "uh huh". Sweetie, hate to break the news but you are NOT his girlfriend cuz Nicole (the only one who's name I know) was over the day before.
Chillin' came back from his mini vacation and informed me that he has a girlfriend now and he's "gonna try not to cheat". That's nice, I guess. At least he's going to try....WHAT?! Why is 'trying' even an option! Just try 'NOT DOING IT'. He's not the only one. And by the way, that lasted about a week before he told me he has to find someone else to pass the time with....
This has been a topic of many happy hour conversations. The fact that most men do see multiple girls at one time, and even if you are lucky enough to tie one down and he's met your crazy family(and still talks to you) and has facebooked all your friends, chances are he's probably seeing someone else too. It's horrible and I wish I didn't believe/know it but it's true. I'm not saying that EVERYONE is like that but 92% of the male population is doing it. My friend once said "you know what's sad, I'm the only one of my guy friends who hasn't cheated on his girlfriend".....yeah, that is sad. He also told me that if I wanted to find a nice guy, I am to move out of NYC. He might be a genius.
I think it's the combination of being male AND living in NYC that's the problem. There are statistically more women than men in NYC, so men instinctually know that for every 1 of them there are 8 women, and therefore not only can be selective, but can also have enough girls to hang out with to fill their week. It also doesn't help that from that limited pool of men, 65% are gay. This is NYC, after all. Meanwhile, us women are secretly sabataging each other and shooting ice daggers out of our eyes that say "hold up bitch! I claimed that man" when we should be uniting against these naughty boys.
It's rough out there and I don't have an answer. But I can tell you this, I'm looking forward to meeting that 8% that isn't going to call you Brittney when your name is Sarah.
Next topic of discussion: Exes. Oh boy.
Sunday, March 6, 2011
I Live In A Dorm
A few months ago I lamented about how I possibly missed out on the experience of living on a college campus. Whoever grants wishes must of heard me and next thing I knew, baby Jesus said "You now live in a dorm. You're welcome". I live in a frat house of which I am the mother.
I'm not complaining because god knows it's better than the previous situation and I do find dealing with boys much easier than whiny and emotional girls. I mean, my whiny emotional outbursts are enough for a household. I now live with two 22 year old boys. They're really nice and we get along just fine but I'm 26. I'm too old to live in a dorm.
It's so much more easier living with boys knowing that they are ALL limited in their abilities on a daily basis and in all aspects of life, so when I find a pair of sneakers in the hallway or all my bowls in the sink, I think: That's cool. They're cleaner than most boys I know. It's just a pair of sneakers. At least it's not a week old sandwich underneath the couch.
And, when there's a problem it's so much easier to be able to say, "Dude! That is so not cool!" than have to worry about a females feelings and if she's going to try to steal your boyfriend to get revenge(or take your favorite bamboo cutting board...)
This experience has made me less uptight about things. I'm not really a big fan of sharing which is funny considering that I've had to share my clothes, room, etc. with someone else since I was 2 years old. I've always been in a house full of people surrounded by noise, fighting for control of the remote, and being forced to fall asleep to the sound of Family Guy blaring from the ajacent room. I've always liked my things a certain way and in a certain place and I find it so funny how much we can change in a matter of a few weeks. I like this Natasha. Plus, I'm a fan of playing mother hen so I don't mind having to put the DVD cases back in their right spot on the shelf or having to make sure the plastic bottle goes in the recycling bin. It's like I have 2 teenage sons....who pay rent. And, I don't have to cook for them or give them pocket money for the week. A perfect situation.
The only complaint I have is that they've had more visitors in 5 weeks than I've had in the 8 months I've lived there. I currently have 3 visitors over right now. Thank god the place is big enough to house us all. The girl situation, I will leave for the next blog post. I will say this: I don't know how you men juggle more than 1 girl at a time. I would think that one crazy would be enough for you.
I'm not complaining because god knows it's better than the previous situation and I do find dealing with boys much easier than whiny and emotional girls. I mean, my whiny emotional outbursts are enough for a household. I now live with two 22 year old boys. They're really nice and we get along just fine but I'm 26. I'm too old to live in a dorm.
It's so much more easier living with boys knowing that they are ALL limited in their abilities on a daily basis and in all aspects of life, so when I find a pair of sneakers in the hallway or all my bowls in the sink, I think: That's cool. They're cleaner than most boys I know. It's just a pair of sneakers. At least it's not a week old sandwich underneath the couch.
And, when there's a problem it's so much easier to be able to say, "Dude! That is so not cool!" than have to worry about a females feelings and if she's going to try to steal your boyfriend to get revenge(or take your favorite bamboo cutting board...)
This experience has made me less uptight about things. I'm not really a big fan of sharing which is funny considering that I've had to share my clothes, room, etc. with someone else since I was 2 years old. I've always been in a house full of people surrounded by noise, fighting for control of the remote, and being forced to fall asleep to the sound of Family Guy blaring from the ajacent room. I've always liked my things a certain way and in a certain place and I find it so funny how much we can change in a matter of a few weeks. I like this Natasha. Plus, I'm a fan of playing mother hen so I don't mind having to put the DVD cases back in their right spot on the shelf or having to make sure the plastic bottle goes in the recycling bin. It's like I have 2 teenage sons....who pay rent. And, I don't have to cook for them or give them pocket money for the week. A perfect situation.
The only complaint I have is that they've had more visitors in 5 weeks than I've had in the 8 months I've lived there. I currently have 3 visitors over right now. Thank god the place is big enough to house us all. The girl situation, I will leave for the next blog post. I will say this: I don't know how you men juggle more than 1 girl at a time. I would think that one crazy would be enough for you.
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