My 26th birthday was supposed to be low key. German Bierhaus. What could go wrong? Had some beer, some sausage, some pretzel. Then people started arriving and time kept on going. Mad M. showed up drunk from a 1 year olds birthday party and some guy took out a ukulele. Down hill from there. There was Shotski 1 (my idea). Absolutely disgusting. Then while on the balcony, a friend of a friend pulled out his ukulele (not a metaphor). He began rapping 'No Scrubs' on his uke then sang us an original rap. All I remember was him mentioning math equations and lots of sex. Then, the serious, big, black bouncer who finally laughed when he turned around and saw me playing the ukulele on the balcony, asked if I ever worked at Applebees in New Rochelle. Um, negative. But apparently I have a twin somewhere up there.
The table next to us was also celebrating a birthday. They were scientists from Poland, Austria and German. They sang happy birthday to me and then came Shotski 2. As heinous as the first one. I go back to my table to find a text from my sister that said "please not the fat one! Go home with the other guy!" Nice. Real classy. What kind of girl do you think I am?!
We ended Bierhaus with Shotski 3 and some hair braiding. On to another location...first randomly stumbled into a bar a friend just opened and then stumbled into Sutton Place which is like the less skanky sister of Tonic East. We ended up on the rooftop, grabbed a table and tried to sober myself up. Got into a friendly debate with Rock Your Body on how to properly pronounce Mario. Long A or short A and asked the group of guys next to us. Most agreed with me--it's short A (point Natasha). Most of our group went downstairs to dance except my Bro and me. The girls next to us were getting hit on by a bunch of Situations. They rolled their eyes and did the polite laughter then turned and asked for a light. The guy looked over and I felt the need to say to him: "hey, buddy. They don't like you." I'm not sure what compelled me to do this. He says "no, i think they do". So I say, "nope. I think YOU like you more than THEY like you." The girls thought this was utterly hysterical. Exit rooftop.
The dj of this joint played horrible techno. Lyricless music. Bleh. We were beyond the point of caring. There was a lot of Jersey Shore fist pumping, jumping, and spilling of beer(on my part). Then a broken toenail, a lost ring, a lost hair tie, and a found ring. I got home at 4am. Overall, a good celebration of my 21st birthday. Next year we'll try to stick to the original plan.
Sunday, June 26, 2011
You Cannot Forgive, If You Cannot Forget.
It’s a fact. Because memory is what controls us and dictates all of our actions and choices. What we’ve seen, what we’ve heard, what we’ve learned, all come together and have an impact on our decisions. If we had nothing to recall or remember then we would simply ‘do’ all the time, and not weigh cause and effect and consequences and scenarios we’ve already seen and experienced.
We can try all we want to forgive someone, or to let something go, which is easier said than done, because even when you think you’ve managed to do it, there’s a little twinge in the back of your brain that brings it about again. That little memory that creeps up and then you’re flooded with all those emotions once you recall the memory. And the cycle starts all over again.
Memory is our downfall. And what makes us human, I guess. Then I guess emotions are the husband of this happy union. Because the memory dictates the emotion and the emotion directs your response. It’s all very complicated with this brain. It makes my head hurt sometimes. The memory of you being scared of a clown when you were 5 years old, causes you to remember (and exhibit) that fear when you see a clown when you’re 25 years old. But that’s the problem. Everything is a memory. So everything has a response. I was talking recently to a friend about how we associate certain people with songs. Hearing Fool in the Rain makes me smile, hearing the Red Hot Chili Peppers, does not. Our brain always tries to retain, to remember, and sometimes it causes us to remember things we don’t necessarily want to remember. The happy moments are always nice and usually welcomed, but it’s the bad memories and associations that are better forgotten—which funny enough, they are usually the strongest memories. The flip side is that without those reactions, we would just make the same mistakes over and over again, because we wouldn’t be able to remember how we felt when it was happening. Every experience you learn from—good and bad. I just wish we could remember the good more than we recall the bad that traumatized us so much.
When I was younger, I thought that if I didn’t feel anything, then I wouldn’t be able to feel the bad stuff either. So I ignored all of it. But emotions come in a variety pack and unfortunately you can’t just get the one type you like. So by sacrificing all of them, I ended up feeling nothing instead. The problem is that you can never get rid of ALL emotion. It eventually catches up to you. And instead of feeling a little bit here and there, you get crazy emotion waves that you have to ride. So what’s better? Riding that big wave every once in a while, or catching a couple little ones here and there? The feeling will still suck either way if it’s a bad one. I don’t have the answer. I wrestle with it all the time. That’s why you can read my emotions on my face now. If I’m pissed, you’ll know. If I’m happy, you’ll also know. If I’m annoyed, you should probably not talk to me. My face is naturally expressive but I had gotten real good at being stoic. You couldn’t tell what I was feeling when I was younger. I challenge anyone to say that they did. I still do it every once in a while. Old habits die hard. I don’t know if my avoidance of confrontation came first, or the denial of emotions produced it. So, as a warning, if you get stoic Natasha who doesn’t exhibit any emotion on her very expressive face, then I’m probably avoiding something. And what I’m probably avoiding is telling you that you’re an asshole (or something to that effect).
Our memories, and the fears that are produced by them, also get in the way of properly feeling emotions. Denying yourself something like love or anger will probably just blow up in your face. You can only avoid something for so long before you have to confront it. So, I learned, it’s better to just feel what you have to feel. Like babies—they feel what they feel and express it because they don’t have a trunk full of memories like we do. They’re not tainted by time like we are. So, when you find yourself emotionally stuck some point in your life (and you will), just ask yourself WWBF (What Would Baby Feel?) and freaking FEEL IT!
We can try all we want to forgive someone, or to let something go, which is easier said than done, because even when you think you’ve managed to do it, there’s a little twinge in the back of your brain that brings it about again. That little memory that creeps up and then you’re flooded with all those emotions once you recall the memory. And the cycle starts all over again.
Memory is our downfall. And what makes us human, I guess. Then I guess emotions are the husband of this happy union. Because the memory dictates the emotion and the emotion directs your response. It’s all very complicated with this brain. It makes my head hurt sometimes. The memory of you being scared of a clown when you were 5 years old, causes you to remember (and exhibit) that fear when you see a clown when you’re 25 years old. But that’s the problem. Everything is a memory. So everything has a response. I was talking recently to a friend about how we associate certain people with songs. Hearing Fool in the Rain makes me smile, hearing the Red Hot Chili Peppers, does not. Our brain always tries to retain, to remember, and sometimes it causes us to remember things we don’t necessarily want to remember. The happy moments are always nice and usually welcomed, but it’s the bad memories and associations that are better forgotten—which funny enough, they are usually the strongest memories. The flip side is that without those reactions, we would just make the same mistakes over and over again, because we wouldn’t be able to remember how we felt when it was happening. Every experience you learn from—good and bad. I just wish we could remember the good more than we recall the bad that traumatized us so much.
When I was younger, I thought that if I didn’t feel anything, then I wouldn’t be able to feel the bad stuff either. So I ignored all of it. But emotions come in a variety pack and unfortunately you can’t just get the one type you like. So by sacrificing all of them, I ended up feeling nothing instead. The problem is that you can never get rid of ALL emotion. It eventually catches up to you. And instead of feeling a little bit here and there, you get crazy emotion waves that you have to ride. So what’s better? Riding that big wave every once in a while, or catching a couple little ones here and there? The feeling will still suck either way if it’s a bad one. I don’t have the answer. I wrestle with it all the time. That’s why you can read my emotions on my face now. If I’m pissed, you’ll know. If I’m happy, you’ll also know. If I’m annoyed, you should probably not talk to me. My face is naturally expressive but I had gotten real good at being stoic. You couldn’t tell what I was feeling when I was younger. I challenge anyone to say that they did. I still do it every once in a while. Old habits die hard. I don’t know if my avoidance of confrontation came first, or the denial of emotions produced it. So, as a warning, if you get stoic Natasha who doesn’t exhibit any emotion on her very expressive face, then I’m probably avoiding something. And what I’m probably avoiding is telling you that you’re an asshole (or something to that effect).
Our memories, and the fears that are produced by them, also get in the way of properly feeling emotions. Denying yourself something like love or anger will probably just blow up in your face. You can only avoid something for so long before you have to confront it. So, I learned, it’s better to just feel what you have to feel. Like babies—they feel what they feel and express it because they don’t have a trunk full of memories like we do. They’re not tainted by time like we are. So, when you find yourself emotionally stuck some point in your life (and you will), just ask yourself WWBF (What Would Baby Feel?) and freaking FEEL IT!
Sunday, June 12, 2011
If I Wasn't So A.D.D. I Would Read
So, I've just been accumulating books to read. It's like I can't get through things fast enough in this crazy world. I can't keep up with all the new movies that are released or new bands or books that I want to read. I currently have 99 movies pending in my Netflix queue and 11 books on my book shelf that I need to read. Before facebook and my blackberry I would read a few books every month. Now, it takes me 3 months to read 1 book because I can't seem to focus anymore. A few months ago I started taking out books from the library again. It worked because I knew I only had a limited amount of time to read them before they had to be returned. The problem with owning them is that I can always read them later...or tomorrow...or next week...or whenever...
But I like owning books. I like seeing them all alphabetically lined up on the shelves in content order...it makes me happy. Even moving 4 times in 6 years has not stopped me from acquiring more and more. I can't stop. I'll throw out clothes and shoes (and even THAT'S difficult to do) before I throw away a book.
Here is a list of the books I have pending. In no particular order, of course. Because I could NEVER rank things that are so lovely...
1. The Adventures of Sherlock Homes- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
2. The World Is Flat- Friedman
3. The Hobbit- Tolkien (it's a reread from childhood)
4. Common Psychological Disorders in Young Children- Bilmes
5. The Road Not Taken- Robert Frost
6. The Idiot- Dostoevsky
7. Up the Down Staircase- Kaufman
8. How Full is Your Bucket?- Rath and Clifton
9. Aesop's Fables (another childhood reread)
10. Mindset- Dweck
11. The Know it All- A. J. Jacobs
I am currently reading these two simultaneously:
Drinking: A Love Story- Knapp (such an awesome memoir. I learn something new every time I read it)
The Beautiful and Damned- Fitzgerald
And this poor book has been put on the back burner for the last 6 months:
El Principito- The Little Prince in Spanish. One of my all time favorite books ever. My goal is to read it in as many languages as I can. This would be number 4. After is German.
I have a lot of work to do....
But I like owning books. I like seeing them all alphabetically lined up on the shelves in content order...it makes me happy. Even moving 4 times in 6 years has not stopped me from acquiring more and more. I can't stop. I'll throw out clothes and shoes (and even THAT'S difficult to do) before I throw away a book.
Here is a list of the books I have pending. In no particular order, of course. Because I could NEVER rank things that are so lovely...
1. The Adventures of Sherlock Homes- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
2. The World Is Flat- Friedman
3. The Hobbit- Tolkien (it's a reread from childhood)
4. Common Psychological Disorders in Young Children- Bilmes
5. The Road Not Taken- Robert Frost
6. The Idiot- Dostoevsky
7. Up the Down Staircase- Kaufman
8. How Full is Your Bucket?- Rath and Clifton
9. Aesop's Fables (another childhood reread)
10. Mindset- Dweck
11. The Know it All- A. J. Jacobs
I am currently reading these two simultaneously:
Drinking: A Love Story- Knapp (such an awesome memoir. I learn something new every time I read it)
The Beautiful and Damned- Fitzgerald
And this poor book has been put on the back burner for the last 6 months:
El Principito- The Little Prince in Spanish. One of my all time favorite books ever. My goal is to read it in as many languages as I can. This would be number 4. After is German.
I have a lot of work to do....
Thursday, June 9, 2011
New York Moments
So, apparently the world was supposed to end on May 21st. It didn't. But it did pour some crazy rain out of the blue. Everyone was running out of the park onto 5th avenue to grab a cab expect no cabs were stopping. We finally got one and I get in the front with the driver. The transcript of our conversation is below:
Driver (looks over): oh. I only stopped cuz I thought there was a baby in your bag.
Me: oh. Um, there is. It's just really ugly so it's INSIDE the bag
Driver: I was actually heading to Queens.
Me: It's gonna be fine. You'll go to 1st ave then go to Queens. My baby's in the bag. It got it's fathers genes. Obviously not MY good looks.
He just laughed and drove us anyway. Just a classic New York moment....
Overheard a conversation between a girl and guy outside Pig n whistle. This wasn't going to go well. They were definitely in their early 20's. The first hint that it wasn't going to go well was her Long Island stretchy pants. She seemed to be trying to explain herself and then she said: Yeah, I have those guys who travel and come into town and I see them. But I've only had 2 boyfriends and they were both jokes...
There's already a couple of hints there that you should walk away, buddy. NOPE. He walked away WITH her. Wtf is the appeal?? Oooohhhh, she's easy! I get it. Guess I would walk away with her too if I knew I was gonna get lucky tonight...
You know what’s really obnoxious? When people come on the train smelling like weed. We know it’s you. It’s pretty obvious. One night I got on the train with my friend and it smelled so strong—even in a packed train. We started talking about it and said “who is it?? We know someone smoked”. This girl totally raised her hand on the train and admitted to it. We all started laughing. I like honesty. Only in New York City...
Driver (looks over): oh. I only stopped cuz I thought there was a baby in your bag.
Me: oh. Um, there is. It's just really ugly so it's INSIDE the bag
Driver: I was actually heading to Queens.
Me: It's gonna be fine. You'll go to 1st ave then go to Queens. My baby's in the bag. It got it's fathers genes. Obviously not MY good looks.
He just laughed and drove us anyway. Just a classic New York moment....
Overheard a conversation between a girl and guy outside Pig n whistle. This wasn't going to go well. They were definitely in their early 20's. The first hint that it wasn't going to go well was her Long Island stretchy pants. She seemed to be trying to explain herself and then she said: Yeah, I have those guys who travel and come into town and I see them. But I've only had 2 boyfriends and they were both jokes...
There's already a couple of hints there that you should walk away, buddy. NOPE. He walked away WITH her. Wtf is the appeal?? Oooohhhh, she's easy! I get it. Guess I would walk away with her too if I knew I was gonna get lucky tonight...
You know what’s really obnoxious? When people come on the train smelling like weed. We know it’s you. It’s pretty obvious. One night I got on the train with my friend and it smelled so strong—even in a packed train. We started talking about it and said “who is it?? We know someone smoked”. This girl totally raised her hand on the train and admitted to it. We all started laughing. I like honesty. Only in New York City...
Saturday, June 4, 2011
We're On A Runaway Train, People!
Societal chaos- did technology ruin society or was mankind on the decline and the descent was just hastened by technology?
We have more technological advancements but as a whole we’re getting dumber. We work our children harder from a younger age and use technologies in order to advance and aide in their education, but they’re getting lazier and less educated. Where are we going wrong? In kindergarten, we used to have play time and nap time and I still learned my ABC’s and how to write sentences. I wrote a play about a cat when I was 5 years old. It was by no means of Shakespearean quality nor am I saying I was a child genius, but I had the capability to write a cohesive/coherent skit on a cat, nonetheless. Now, they do away with nap time and teach them the alphabet in pre-K and it’s not really helping at all. Because by the time they get to 5th grade, they’re tired of doing work, they’re distracted by the new video game system that just came out, and they’re wondering how they’re going to con their parents into getting them the new sneakers that everyone else just got.
When I was in high school (not too long ago) I was embarrassed if I didn’t do my homework or walked in 20 minutes late for class. I dreaded being called on by the teacher and having to admit that I wasn’t prepared. Today, the kids look you in the eyes and matter of factly declare “I didn’t do it”. No embarrassment, no guilt. Where did we go wrong? Because this doesn’t just happen in high school, it happens in middle school as well. They’re not paying attention in class and then not doing their homework and not going to school at all sometimes. And if this apathetic attitude towards their education begins when they are 10 years old, what do you think it’s going to be like when they’re 16 years old?
Sometimes, I look around the hallways and panic because THEY are our future. Those kids will be in our government, on our streets, a part of society. And it scares me that society as a whole is on this giant runaway train and we’re about to go over a bridge that is about to fall apart and plummet us all to our deaths into the icy unknown waters below. I’ve always said that our society will implode—we will eventually destroy ourselves. How is it that we’ve changed so much in less than a decade? What was the pivotal moment in time when all of our IQ’s started to decrease collectively?
There are exceptions, but as a whole, how are we going to get better? Unless we all make the choice to consciously and actively become better human beings, we will forever be caught in a whirlpool with the uneducated, wastes of society who continue to procreate and put forth in the world their spawns who continue to perpetuate the uselessness their predecessors first exhibited.
It makes me want to make a little Natasha army of children who I can shape into amazing individuals to at least balance out the wastes of life that I am surrounded by. Now, in order to do this, I may have to put them in a bubble to guard them from whatever is in the air that makes us all dumber. We’ll see how that goes.
We have more technological advancements but as a whole we’re getting dumber. We work our children harder from a younger age and use technologies in order to advance and aide in their education, but they’re getting lazier and less educated. Where are we going wrong? In kindergarten, we used to have play time and nap time and I still learned my ABC’s and how to write sentences. I wrote a play about a cat when I was 5 years old. It was by no means of Shakespearean quality nor am I saying I was a child genius, but I had the capability to write a cohesive/coherent skit on a cat, nonetheless. Now, they do away with nap time and teach them the alphabet in pre-K and it’s not really helping at all. Because by the time they get to 5th grade, they’re tired of doing work, they’re distracted by the new video game system that just came out, and they’re wondering how they’re going to con their parents into getting them the new sneakers that everyone else just got.
When I was in high school (not too long ago) I was embarrassed if I didn’t do my homework or walked in 20 minutes late for class. I dreaded being called on by the teacher and having to admit that I wasn’t prepared. Today, the kids look you in the eyes and matter of factly declare “I didn’t do it”. No embarrassment, no guilt. Where did we go wrong? Because this doesn’t just happen in high school, it happens in middle school as well. They’re not paying attention in class and then not doing their homework and not going to school at all sometimes. And if this apathetic attitude towards their education begins when they are 10 years old, what do you think it’s going to be like when they’re 16 years old?
Sometimes, I look around the hallways and panic because THEY are our future. Those kids will be in our government, on our streets, a part of society. And it scares me that society as a whole is on this giant runaway train and we’re about to go over a bridge that is about to fall apart and plummet us all to our deaths into the icy unknown waters below. I’ve always said that our society will implode—we will eventually destroy ourselves. How is it that we’ve changed so much in less than a decade? What was the pivotal moment in time when all of our IQ’s started to decrease collectively?
There are exceptions, but as a whole, how are we going to get better? Unless we all make the choice to consciously and actively become better human beings, we will forever be caught in a whirlpool with the uneducated, wastes of society who continue to procreate and put forth in the world their spawns who continue to perpetuate the uselessness their predecessors first exhibited.
It makes me want to make a little Natasha army of children who I can shape into amazing individuals to at least balance out the wastes of life that I am surrounded by. Now, in order to do this, I may have to put them in a bubble to guard them from whatever is in the air that makes us all dumber. We’ll see how that goes.
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