It’s a fact. Because memory is what controls us and dictates all of our actions and choices. What we’ve seen, what we’ve heard, what we’ve learned, all come together and have an impact on our decisions. If we had nothing to recall or remember then we would simply ‘do’ all the time, and not weigh cause and effect and consequences and scenarios we’ve already seen and experienced.
We can try all we want to forgive someone, or to let something go, which is easier said than done, because even when you think you’ve managed to do it, there’s a little twinge in the back of your brain that brings it about again. That little memory that creeps up and then you’re flooded with all those emotions once you recall the memory. And the cycle starts all over again.
Memory is our downfall. And what makes us human, I guess. Then I guess emotions are the husband of this happy union. Because the memory dictates the emotion and the emotion directs your response. It’s all very complicated with this brain. It makes my head hurt sometimes. The memory of you being scared of a clown when you were 5 years old, causes you to remember (and exhibit) that fear when you see a clown when you’re 25 years old. But that’s the problem. Everything is a memory. So everything has a response. I was talking recently to a friend about how we associate certain people with songs. Hearing Fool in the Rain makes me smile, hearing the Red Hot Chili Peppers, does not. Our brain always tries to retain, to remember, and sometimes it causes us to remember things we don’t necessarily want to remember. The happy moments are always nice and usually welcomed, but it’s the bad memories and associations that are better forgotten—which funny enough, they are usually the strongest memories. The flip side is that without those reactions, we would just make the same mistakes over and over again, because we wouldn’t be able to remember how we felt when it was happening. Every experience you learn from—good and bad. I just wish we could remember the good more than we recall the bad that traumatized us so much.
When I was younger, I thought that if I didn’t feel anything, then I wouldn’t be able to feel the bad stuff either. So I ignored all of it. But emotions come in a variety pack and unfortunately you can’t just get the one type you like. So by sacrificing all of them, I ended up feeling nothing instead. The problem is that you can never get rid of ALL emotion. It eventually catches up to you. And instead of feeling a little bit here and there, you get crazy emotion waves that you have to ride. So what’s better? Riding that big wave every once in a while, or catching a couple little ones here and there? The feeling will still suck either way if it’s a bad one. I don’t have the answer. I wrestle with it all the time. That’s why you can read my emotions on my face now. If I’m pissed, you’ll know. If I’m happy, you’ll also know. If I’m annoyed, you should probably not talk to me. My face is naturally expressive but I had gotten real good at being stoic. You couldn’t tell what I was feeling when I was younger. I challenge anyone to say that they did. I still do it every once in a while. Old habits die hard. I don’t know if my avoidance of confrontation came first, or the denial of emotions produced it. So, as a warning, if you get stoic Natasha who doesn’t exhibit any emotion on her very expressive face, then I’m probably avoiding something. And what I’m probably avoiding is telling you that you’re an asshole (or something to that effect).
Our memories, and the fears that are produced by them, also get in the way of properly feeling emotions. Denying yourself something like love or anger will probably just blow up in your face. You can only avoid something for so long before you have to confront it. So, I learned, it’s better to just feel what you have to feel. Like babies—they feel what they feel and express it because they don’t have a trunk full of memories like we do. They’re not tainted by time like we are. So, when you find yourself emotionally stuck some point in your life (and you will), just ask yourself WWBF (What Would Baby Feel?) and freaking FEEL IT!
Great post. The first 2 paragraphs sum up the source of my frustration and inner rage. The problem with feeling the kickback of pent-up emotions is that they're like crude guests to a dinner party; you want them to leave but there's something alluring to them.
ReplyDeleteI wonder though, is it possible to forgive someone when they've cut off (almost) all forms of communication? I'd love to talk things out but that hasn't been an option in over 2 years. And forgiveness is great until you let that one memory ruin it.