Burning Bridges

I just saw an episode of The Big Bang Theory when Leonard begins to ask the other guys if they can hang out that night. As he goes around the room and everyone is saying that they're busy he gets to Raj who says "what? NOW you wanna hang out? Now that you and Penny broke up and you have no one to hang out with you and you're all alone...."

That scene reminded me of something I've recently taken note of. Anyone who knows me, knows that I am fascinated by humans. I love watching them interact and always try to figure out their behavior: Why do people do the things they do? Why do they think like that? What makes them tick?
One of my recent observations is this: why do people abandon their friends when they get into a new relationship and then assume they'll be right there waiting for them when they suddenly break up?
I've recently witnessed a few cases of friends disappearing. They get a boyfriend or girlfriend and all of a sudden you're saying "hey, long time no see." "Where have you been?" We've all been there, on both sides of it. And I know a new relationship is always new and exciting and you want to see the person as much as possible, but what happens after a year? What happens when you only hang out with your friends once every two months and punk out on plans made most of the other times? And you didn't do that before and everyone just drifts apart. And then, you break up. And you're sad. So you call your long lost friend and ask if they want to grab a drink and catch up. But they know. They know that you're feeling lonely and sad and that's the only reason you took the initiative to see them. And then the intentions are all confirmed when it happens once again, when you either get back together with your ex or you get a new boyfriend, and your disappearing act starts all over again.

And with anything, whether you steal, cheat, lie, scheme, or go back on your word time after time, it catches up with you. When you burn enough bridges, you eventually lose all ways to get to the other side, and you end up stuck and alone anyway. We sometimes have to remind ourselves about where our loyalties should lie instead of getting caught up in the shiny and new fleeting moments of things.

In the 5th season of The Wire, McNulty's girlfriend was trying to explain something to his self destructive demon. She said (and I'm paraphrasing): At your funeral, those fleeting people won't be there. The people you know from the bar won't be there. They'll ask about you a couple months from now and when they hear you're dead, they'll say 'thats a shame' and continue on. Most of your friends won't be there either. Because you burned some bridges. But, family WILL be there. The people who ACTUALLY care about you and about what happens to you, will be there. And maybe, if you're lucky a few of those longtime friends.

I think that's a good rule of thumb to keep things in perspective. Asking yourself, will this person who I'm so attached to right now, or this person who I chose to be with over someone who cared about me, will they be at my funeral? Will they care if they never see me again?

And sometimes it's all okay, and sometimes we find out that we made the wrong choice and have lost the best friend we've ever had.

Dreams

I love dreams. Messages from your subconscious, if you will (and if you believe Freud). Our fears, our hopes,our desires, all manifest in the dark as we sleep. And, sometimes you can recall them so vividly that they are remembered 20 years into the future. And, sometimes the second you wake up, you struggle to even recall the last image. I believe in dreams that foretell the future, premonitions. It happens some times.
I had a dream the other night. It was the weirdest thing. I went to a friends house because I felt like I had no other place to go. I get there to discover that he's adopted a little Asian girl. I'm left alone in his house and it isn't even the house he actually lives in (on a side note, I find it very funny how dreams can change small facts--you can be in a place but it's not the exact place or a person who is not the actual person you know. Funny what the mind comes up with). Well, in this house I felt like it was haunted. I felt an uneasiness. I walked over to the oven and lit it. It created a blast. I could feel it in my sleep. No fire, funny enough. Just a combustion. My friend returned home and we found ourselves outside on the sidewalk drinking champagne.
I woke up wondering what it meant. Was I haunted by something in my subconscious? Do I feel like I'm near something explosive? Champagne would signify a celebration of some sort so, have I survived my ghost?
The night after, I had another dream. This time I was performing. I was actually in the cast of Smash (that's a tv show about NYC musicals and the lives of everyone involved, fyi). I was performing with a mix of people from real life and the cast. I was off stage trying to to get into my next costume, but I put it on and realized that it was see through. I panicked that I couldn't go out of stage for everyone to see my underwear, so I started borrowing clothes. Once I think that it's fine, the outfit is see-through again. It was getting closer to my cue and I couldn't go on stage. Then at some point I was in a movie theatre. It was empty and the screen was blank. But there was a crate of chickens in front of it.
Now, chickens apparently symbolize cowardliness and a lack of will power. The only things I can gather from the other part is that I want to be in the spotlight but I'm so scared to let other people see right through me. I don't want to be vunerable. Maybe that's where the chickens come in.
I've been trying to figure out what I'm so scared of, what's haunting me, and what makes me so afraid to be exposed. I hope the third dream helps me out. We need an ending to this story.



Note: I did have a 3rd dream that night. Long story short, I was trying to get a babysitting job and when I got there the twins were frighteningly ugly and their mother was trying to get me to take care of them overnight for only $15 an hour! Apparently babies signify a new beginning. It didn't say anything about ugly babies. A not so good new beginning??

What does it all mean!?!?!