I haven't written a poem in a very long time. I don't know where this came from exactly. I was rushing to get the the train. Said the first line in my head and then I couldn't stop. This is what I got:
If you could only see what I see
You could deny your disease
Take a bat and swing
Catch a ride and leave.
If you could only see what I see
You could finally believe
Calm yourself and breathe
Close your eyes and sleep.
If I could only be what you are
I'd take a chance and leap
Get lost to find my feet
Get close to feel the heat.
If I could only be what you are
I'd be a better me
Take a chance and feel
Never stoop and kneel.
If we could only be what we want ourselves to be
We'd open all the doors
Take some but give back more
Won't stop just to keep score.
If we could stop to see what other people see
We'd try be ok
Won't prosper from the pain
Won't take in all the blame.
But we can only be
what we want ourselves to be.
Friday, May 28, 2010
Monday, May 24, 2010
Distant Memories
I had one of those moments the other day where an old memory just pops into your head. I don't know what triggered it. The problem with memories are that, if they aren't written down immediately, each time they are recalled they get more and more distorted. Then 20 years later, you have this memory that you're convinced happened one way, when in fact it ended differently. That's why I like writing things down--you remember the real event, not something that has been tainted by time.
I remembered when I was 5 years old. I remember being in school and inviting this girl to come over to play. So, we took the school bus home and walked into my house. My grandmother was surprised to find her there since my mother hadn't told her of any play dates. She called my mom and then the girl's grandmother. Consequently, we had to walk the girl home. I remember my grandmother apologizing to the lady for my "kidnapping". I clearly recall standing there on the sidewalk and watching the ladies talk and I asked myself, "What is the problem? I don't understand why they're making such a big deal about this. I can make decisions on my own. Why do I have to ask other people for permission?"
As you can see, I was very independent and strong willed even then. That was the moment I was the most confused in life. That's why it stuck. It made such an impression on me because I couldn't understand why I was being limited. I was always an adult trapped in a little body. That's frustrating.
I remembered when I was 5 years old. I remember being in school and inviting this girl to come over to play. So, we took the school bus home and walked into my house. My grandmother was surprised to find her there since my mother hadn't told her of any play dates. She called my mom and then the girl's grandmother. Consequently, we had to walk the girl home. I remember my grandmother apologizing to the lady for my "kidnapping". I clearly recall standing there on the sidewalk and watching the ladies talk and I asked myself, "What is the problem? I don't understand why they're making such a big deal about this. I can make decisions on my own. Why do I have to ask other people for permission?"
As you can see, I was very independent and strong willed even then. That was the moment I was the most confused in life. That's why it stuck. It made such an impression on me because I couldn't understand why I was being limited. I was always an adult trapped in a little body. That's frustrating.
Saturday, May 22, 2010
All Alone And No One To Talk To
It's been almost 6 months since I've been living on my own. I can't believe how easy the transition was. I feel comfortable being by myself. That's not to say that there aren't some downsides to living alone. But for the most part, it's ok. It seems longer than 6 months. Here are the pros and cons:
Pros:
1. being able to do what you want, when you want it. Amazing. If I want to read, BAM. I'm reading. Wanna watch a movie? Go right ahead.
2. being naked. I know, TMI. But really, people. If, and when, you have the opportunity I know you do it. I love being naked. I wish I could do everything naked. I would be much happier at work if I were naked. Attendance would be up also...it's a win-win for everyone.
3. making your own food. Just like you like it. And being able to buy all the things you like and not have to take other people's opinions into consideration.
4. silence. when you want it. No fighting over the remote, no guests over that you didn't invite, no 'you're on my side of the room'".
5. you don't have to deal with anyone else's little annoying quirks...just your own.
Cons:
1. Not having someone to talk to. As entertaining as I am, it would be nice to ask questions aloud and get a response from someone else other than the voices in my head.
2. Not having someone else to cook. Sometimes it's nice to have food waiting for you when you walk in from class at 9pm and not have to worry about cooking. That's why I conveniently 'forget' to eat. I'm too busy doing things like blogging or looking up videos on youtube to cook.
3. Not having someone to help you zip up the back of your dress or buckle your bracelet. That happened to me last Saturday. I got my dress on but couldn't really get it off when I got home. I thought I was gonna be stuck in that dress until Monday. Thank god I'm twisty and bendy.
4. Silence. It's nice just feeling someone else's presence in the vicinity. Knowing someone is in the next room makes me sleep easier. That's why I like having Mad M. over. I sleep better on those nights.
5. watching a movie and laughing out loud at the funny part as you look around wondering who can share the moment with you. Some things are definitely funnier when someone else is there.
Pros:
1. being able to do what you want, when you want it. Amazing. If I want to read, BAM. I'm reading. Wanna watch a movie? Go right ahead.
2. being naked. I know, TMI. But really, people. If, and when, you have the opportunity I know you do it. I love being naked. I wish I could do everything naked. I would be much happier at work if I were naked. Attendance would be up also...it's a win-win for everyone.
3. making your own food. Just like you like it. And being able to buy all the things you like and not have to take other people's opinions into consideration.
4. silence. when you want it. No fighting over the remote, no guests over that you didn't invite, no 'you're on my side of the room'".
5. you don't have to deal with anyone else's little annoying quirks...just your own.
Cons:
1. Not having someone to talk to. As entertaining as I am, it would be nice to ask questions aloud and get a response from someone else other than the voices in my head.
2. Not having someone else to cook. Sometimes it's nice to have food waiting for you when you walk in from class at 9pm and not have to worry about cooking. That's why I conveniently 'forget' to eat. I'm too busy doing things like blogging or looking up videos on youtube to cook.
3. Not having someone to help you zip up the back of your dress or buckle your bracelet. That happened to me last Saturday. I got my dress on but couldn't really get it off when I got home. I thought I was gonna be stuck in that dress until Monday. Thank god I'm twisty and bendy.
4. Silence. It's nice just feeling someone else's presence in the vicinity. Knowing someone is in the next room makes me sleep easier. That's why I like having Mad M. over. I sleep better on those nights.
5. watching a movie and laughing out loud at the funny part as you look around wondering who can share the moment with you. Some things are definitely funnier when someone else is there.
Holy Crap! I Just Fell In Love.
I just fell in love. May 22, 2010. At 10:43am. It's one of those loves that hits you all of a sudden. You look over at something that you've seen before, but you suddenly see it in a different light. It hits you: Holy Crap! I love this thing!
I'm talking about the The Bravery. I just listened to their album 'The Sun And The Moon' from beginning to end. I haven't done that probably since the first time I bought it. There is absolutely not one part of it that isn't good. The lyrics are amazing. They are the type of lyrics that make you go: Fuck! I wish I could have come up with that. Genius! It's exactly what I want to say, but better.
My world makes sense right now because of that album. It's everything I want to say, and everything I wish I could say.
I carry your image always in my head/folded and yellowed and torn at the edge
~~The Ocean
I'm talking about the The Bravery. I just listened to their album 'The Sun And The Moon' from beginning to end. I haven't done that probably since the first time I bought it. There is absolutely not one part of it that isn't good. The lyrics are amazing. They are the type of lyrics that make you go: Fuck! I wish I could have come up with that. Genius! It's exactly what I want to say, but better.
My world makes sense right now because of that album. It's everything I want to say, and everything I wish I could say.
I carry your image always in my head/folded and yellowed and torn at the edge
~~The Ocean
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Phases
I go through music phases. This ties into my intense obsessive nature as described in a previous post. My current phase is 70's Rock. It's a repeater. This happened back somewhere between the ages of 15 and 17. I grew up on rock. That's one thing I will credit to my father. The foundation of my decent taste in music is because of that exposure (he cannot be credited with the Spice Girls though). Ozzy and Black Sabbath were constantly resonating through our house. On drives, we were listening to 92.3 k-rock and 104.3 classic rock. Now, k-rock has dissolved into one of those Top 40 stations and 104 is barely holding on. Where did all the good music stations go!? And where's all the good music?? Back in the day, the one hit wonders became songs that we still remember and still love to sing along to. Remember "Tubthumping"(about blackout alcoholism) by Chumbawamba or "boom boom boom boom" (about a proposition for a wild night of sex) by the Vengaboys and "C'mon Ride It (the train)" (about 'riding' it all night) by Quad City Djs? Those are classics. And classically inappropriate now that I think about it... I'm not sure how the hell our parents let us listen to those songs...and yes, we knew what they were singing about. They're not good songs by any means, but we remember them. There's so much crap on the radio now. Artists that have one or two songs, then go away. Whatever happened to the Jonas brothers? Will we still remember them 10 years from now? I know you remember Hanson. And you sing along when you hear "Mmm-bop". True story.
Here's my list of phases from as far back as I can remember:
1. Garbage- 1995. one of the first albums I ever bought. I recently got the album again. When I listen to it, I literally get transported to a time when I was 10, in my bedroom with the purple radio.
2. Spice Girls- 1996. What girl didn't listen to them?! There is a performance of 'Spice Up Your Life' on video somewhere. All involved would probably agree that it should not be made public.
3. Everclear- 1997. I remember coming home after school and blaring 'So Much For The Afterglow' while the parents were at work.
4. Jewel. 1996-2003. She got me good with 1998's 'Spirit' album. I was in the 8th grade. My english teacher made us pick a Shakespearean sonnet and then write a poem that could accompany that sonnet along with a song that tied it all together. I chose 'What's Simple Is True'. No one really got the assignment. I loved it. That teacher's the reason I started writing and haven't stopped since.
5. Reggae music- 1998. I used to listen to these random reggae stations on my walkman after the lights were out and would fall asleep to the sounds of Jamaica.
6. Goo Goo Dolls- 1998-2000. Obsessed. I was sure I was going to marry Johnny Rzeznik. Was disappointed in 2002 with Gutterflower. I hate being disappointed.
7. The Corrs- 2000-2003. I wanted to BE a part of the Corrs. I thought it was so cool that a family played together. This sparked my obsession with Ireland. I also acquired quite a vast collection of tin whistles during this phase. Just in case I ever need to get on stage during "live Irish band" night at the Pig n' Whistle...I'm ready.
8. Kylie Minogue- 2001- forever. This love has not faded. I played 'Fever' so much that I needed to buy another copy. She's an amazing performer. It's so sad that she isn't as appreciated in the USA as much as in the rest of the world. I spread her music to anyone who will listen. Went to her first ever U.S. tour back in November. I was speechless.
9. The Wallflowers- 2003-2006. I wanted to marry Jakob Dylan. I think I'm still determined. I go back to this every so often. Their lyrics get me every time.
10. 2006-2008. My U.K. obsession continues. I find bands such as Dirty Pretty Things, The Futureheads, Keane, and Snow Patrol among others.
11. No Doubt. May 2009-October 2009. Tragic Kingdom was one of my first albums. I never stopped loving them. Saw them in concert in May and listened to every song they ever made, every day, for 5 months straight.
Of course there are many, many more between these. It's crazy how time flies.
Here's my list of phases from as far back as I can remember:
1. Garbage- 1995. one of the first albums I ever bought. I recently got the album again. When I listen to it, I literally get transported to a time when I was 10, in my bedroom with the purple radio.
2. Spice Girls- 1996. What girl didn't listen to them?! There is a performance of 'Spice Up Your Life' on video somewhere. All involved would probably agree that it should not be made public.
3. Everclear- 1997. I remember coming home after school and blaring 'So Much For The Afterglow' while the parents were at work.
4. Jewel. 1996-2003. She got me good with 1998's 'Spirit' album. I was in the 8th grade. My english teacher made us pick a Shakespearean sonnet and then write a poem that could accompany that sonnet along with a song that tied it all together. I chose 'What's Simple Is True'. No one really got the assignment. I loved it. That teacher's the reason I started writing and haven't stopped since.
5. Reggae music- 1998. I used to listen to these random reggae stations on my walkman after the lights were out and would fall asleep to the sounds of Jamaica.
6. Goo Goo Dolls- 1998-2000. Obsessed. I was sure I was going to marry Johnny Rzeznik. Was disappointed in 2002 with Gutterflower. I hate being disappointed.
7. The Corrs- 2000-2003. I wanted to BE a part of the Corrs. I thought it was so cool that a family played together. This sparked my obsession with Ireland. I also acquired quite a vast collection of tin whistles during this phase. Just in case I ever need to get on stage during "live Irish band" night at the Pig n' Whistle...I'm ready.
8. Kylie Minogue- 2001- forever. This love has not faded. I played 'Fever' so much that I needed to buy another copy. She's an amazing performer. It's so sad that she isn't as appreciated in the USA as much as in the rest of the world. I spread her music to anyone who will listen. Went to her first ever U.S. tour back in November. I was speechless.
9. The Wallflowers- 2003-2006. I wanted to marry Jakob Dylan. I think I'm still determined. I go back to this every so often. Their lyrics get me every time.
10. 2006-2008. My U.K. obsession continues. I find bands such as Dirty Pretty Things, The Futureheads, Keane, and Snow Patrol among others.
11. No Doubt. May 2009-October 2009. Tragic Kingdom was one of my first albums. I never stopped loving them. Saw them in concert in May and listened to every song they ever made, every day, for 5 months straight.
Of course there are many, many more between these. It's crazy how time flies.
Monday, May 17, 2010
I Don't Have Tear Ducts, Right?
I wrote a paper analyzing Socrates' apology that he gives at his trial. If you don't know the story, he was accused of many things (for taking money for his teachings, being an atheist, etc.). He gives a speech trying to defend himself and I was to analyze it and then pretend I was on the jury and give my verdict. I pretty much argued that he was a self-important philosopher who was neither wise nor modest who condemned himself to death by exhibiting these unlikeable characteristics. From what he said, I found Socrates to be obnoxiously arrogant and distrustful especially when he states that what he did and said was being misinterpreted by his accusers. I just thought that was another excuse.
Then I realized today the amount of times we misinterpret things. We misjudge people all the time. It's true that words are just words and actions are what people should be judged on--but there's room for misinterpretation there too. How many times have we said to someone "oh, I thought you were mad at me because you didn't talk to me when I saw you", when in reality they were just tired or upset about something or just having a bad day overall. It had nothing to do with you but because you were present at the moment you thought what you saw was directed towards you. What you see is not necessarily what you get and your interpretation of something is fueled by your own past associations of certain actions. Your brain needs to associate what it sees with something it knows. Which is why we surround ourselves with people who seem familiar to us. They remind us of someone else and we know how to deal with them or the same outcome is expected so we are prepared.
I don't want to fly the 'I'm so complex no one understands me' flag, but I know for a fact that my actions(and words) get misinterpreted all the time. What you see is what you get to a certain point but there's more. That goes for everybody. Sometimes we don't realize how we are perceived by others because we don't know how they're interpreting us. People think I'm loud and aggressive and argumentative and tough, and while I am all of those things to a certain extent, there are other things that make me ME. People see that I'm tough and are tough with me because they think "she can take it". What they don't realize is that I'm also extremely sensitive. I always was. I'll never show it though. My mom always told the story of the time we went to see Beauty and the Beast in the theatre. I must have been 5 years old. She looked over and saw I was crying. Not because I was scared but because the Beast had died and Belle loved him and she cried. I felt sympathy and empathy. I don't know if you're supposed to feel those yet at the age of 5.
I didn't realize how tough people thought I was until I was talking to my friend (she's a crier) and she said "I don't know what I would do if you cried. I wouldn't know how to console you". This is because people see this tough chick who doesn't seem to care what other people think of her and if something can make her cry then it's something major which means everyone should be crying and we're all fucked.
I joked with a friend once that I can't cry because "I don't have tear ducts". That stuck and I said it all the time. Then one day, he said it back to me--"you can't cry. You don't have tear ducts, right?" I heard that and thought "wait. I do cry. I probably spent most of my days crying. And I do have feelings." People forget that sometimes. Then again, I probably forget that some people have feelings too....
If you ever hear me say that I'm incapable of crying--do me a favor--give me something to cry about and teach me a lesson.
Then I realized today the amount of times we misinterpret things. We misjudge people all the time. It's true that words are just words and actions are what people should be judged on--but there's room for misinterpretation there too. How many times have we said to someone "oh, I thought you were mad at me because you didn't talk to me when I saw you", when in reality they were just tired or upset about something or just having a bad day overall. It had nothing to do with you but because you were present at the moment you thought what you saw was directed towards you. What you see is not necessarily what you get and your interpretation of something is fueled by your own past associations of certain actions. Your brain needs to associate what it sees with something it knows. Which is why we surround ourselves with people who seem familiar to us. They remind us of someone else and we know how to deal with them or the same outcome is expected so we are prepared.
I don't want to fly the 'I'm so complex no one understands me' flag, but I know for a fact that my actions(and words) get misinterpreted all the time. What you see is what you get to a certain point but there's more. That goes for everybody. Sometimes we don't realize how we are perceived by others because we don't know how they're interpreting us. People think I'm loud and aggressive and argumentative and tough, and while I am all of those things to a certain extent, there are other things that make me ME. People see that I'm tough and are tough with me because they think "she can take it". What they don't realize is that I'm also extremely sensitive. I always was. I'll never show it though. My mom always told the story of the time we went to see Beauty and the Beast in the theatre. I must have been 5 years old. She looked over and saw I was crying. Not because I was scared but because the Beast had died and Belle loved him and she cried. I felt sympathy and empathy. I don't know if you're supposed to feel those yet at the age of 5.
I didn't realize how tough people thought I was until I was talking to my friend (she's a crier) and she said "I don't know what I would do if you cried. I wouldn't know how to console you". This is because people see this tough chick who doesn't seem to care what other people think of her and if something can make her cry then it's something major which means everyone should be crying and we're all fucked.
I joked with a friend once that I can't cry because "I don't have tear ducts". That stuck and I said it all the time. Then one day, he said it back to me--"you can't cry. You don't have tear ducts, right?" I heard that and thought "wait. I do cry. I probably spent most of my days crying. And I do have feelings." People forget that sometimes. Then again, I probably forget that some people have feelings too....
If you ever hear me say that I'm incapable of crying--do me a favor--give me something to cry about and teach me a lesson.
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about!
You know when you’re sitting on a crowded train and people stand in front of you and you inevitably get crotch in the face. You don’t mean to look but you do. Now, you can’t stop yourself until they turn around, sit down or get off. All you see is crotch. You start wondering what the face looks like so you slowly glance up. You catch their eye and quickly look away at the ad behind them. Awkward. You both know what just happened. After you catch a glimpse you think one of two things: 1. Not bad. Package matches the face. I wonder if he has a girlfriend. Probably. Lucky girl. I wonder if she’s hot too.
Then you start daydreaming. 2. Oh, man! Why couldn't you have been a little more attractive? Now I can’t look away from the package and I feel wrong and dirty for looking. This isn’t fun anymore. One of us needs to get off. Please get off.
Or maybe this just happens to me…..
Then you start daydreaming. 2. Oh, man! Why couldn't you have been a little more attractive? Now I can’t look away from the package and I feel wrong and dirty for looking. This isn’t fun anymore. One of us needs to get off. Please get off.
Or maybe this just happens to me…..
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
A Snowy Encounter
Some time in February I was at National Underground (it's a bar that has a lot of good live music) scoping out some new bands. Anyway, I went outside. It was gray and just started snowing. On a side note, I think the city is prettiest that way--when it first starts snowing. Everything gets all gray and goes quiet. It doesn't matter how many people are out--it's like everything stops and you can just hear the snowflakes. That's my favorite moment in time. When the city seems quiet and there are just bright lights and a gray fog all over the city. I digress...so I'm there watching the snow fall and a man comes out of National. He walks over to me( I think, "oh, here we go. What line is he going to open with"),stops to the side of me and asks me for a light. He lights his cigarette and sighs deeply. Then he says: "Men really need a script. We never know what to say. I got 'hello' down. Then I completely bombed".
I kinda 'hum'ed in response. Then he walked away and got into a cab.
I have to say that was one of the most bizarre encounters I've ever had. We were two people who barely had an interaction and yet, I remember it. Clearly.
It made me think: 1. Ladies, are we really that scary?? It's crazy that both sexes admit at some point that they've been intimidated by a person of the other sex and yet we still insist on playing games with each other. If we recognize that we're all the same and have the same thoughts and fears then why haven't we come to an understanding? Why aren't we more open with each other? Why is it always a game, a chase? 2. Men, we're not that scary. A little crazy at times (because you make us)but maybe it's the women you're choosing that make you so afraid. It's always scary to interact with a new person but why are you so scared to make a move? Just do it. Nike said so.
There is no script. Not in life. Not in love. We gotta just go with the flow. That's hard for someone who's a planner. I like scripts. I don't do improv. That's why I'm a better writer than a speaker. And I'm a better speaker when I have a script. Maybe I should write mini speeches on index cards for different scenarios in life just in case. Lightbulb.
I kinda 'hum'ed in response. Then he walked away and got into a cab.
I have to say that was one of the most bizarre encounters I've ever had. We were two people who barely had an interaction and yet, I remember it. Clearly.
It made me think: 1. Ladies, are we really that scary?? It's crazy that both sexes admit at some point that they've been intimidated by a person of the other sex and yet we still insist on playing games with each other. If we recognize that we're all the same and have the same thoughts and fears then why haven't we come to an understanding? Why aren't we more open with each other? Why is it always a game, a chase? 2. Men, we're not that scary. A little crazy at times (because you make us)but maybe it's the women you're choosing that make you so afraid. It's always scary to interact with a new person but why are you so scared to make a move? Just do it. Nike said so.
There is no script. Not in life. Not in love. We gotta just go with the flow. That's hard for someone who's a planner. I like scripts. I don't do improv. That's why I'm a better writer than a speaker. And I'm a better speaker when I have a script. Maybe I should write mini speeches on index cards for different scenarios in life just in case. Lightbulb.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Rock On And Get Out Of Your Head!
Two weeks ago I went to see a musical called Rock On. It was off, off, off Broadway. It wasn’t that great but the idea behind it made me think. It was about the problem of getting what you want but not what you need in life. Sometimes what we want is not necessarily what is good for us or what we should be striving for. The shortened message was: Be careful what you wish for cuz you might just get it.
It was about fulfilling an emptiness. There is an emptiness within artists of all kinds—actors, musicians, artists, poets, writers—they create what they feel and sometimes they are consumed by what they feel. There is a piece that’s missing inside. Some unfulfilled element within, that’s usually quelled by some sort of vice for a short time in order to forget about the void when the talent isn’t in use. Some use their art as an outlet to get out of their heads. Some use it to understand what is in their heads. Sometimes it’s too much. The longing leads to loneliness and self isolation which stems from constantly living alone in your head with your art. Most great ‘arts’ of any medium are not described as happy. They are the sad, the dark, the so-called ugly things that exist behind what is outwardly beautiful. Van Gogh doesn't strike me as a happy go lucky kinda guy. Partly because of the ear situation and partly because all his paintings look sad. Even the one of the yellow sunflowers in a vase looks sad. They look like depressed flowers. And it's probably from hanging out with Vincent. You can’t create a sadness that doesn’t already live within the creator. The problem is, that one gets consumed by their emotions—by what makes them creatively beautiful—and they forget that they must actually live outside their heads as well.
It was about fulfilling an emptiness. There is an emptiness within artists of all kinds—actors, musicians, artists, poets, writers—they create what they feel and sometimes they are consumed by what they feel. There is a piece that’s missing inside. Some unfulfilled element within, that’s usually quelled by some sort of vice for a short time in order to forget about the void when the talent isn’t in use. Some use their art as an outlet to get out of their heads. Some use it to understand what is in their heads. Sometimes it’s too much. The longing leads to loneliness and self isolation which stems from constantly living alone in your head with your art. Most great ‘arts’ of any medium are not described as happy. They are the sad, the dark, the so-called ugly things that exist behind what is outwardly beautiful. Van Gogh doesn't strike me as a happy go lucky kinda guy. Partly because of the ear situation and partly because all his paintings look sad. Even the one of the yellow sunflowers in a vase looks sad. They look like depressed flowers. And it's probably from hanging out with Vincent. You can’t create a sadness that doesn’t already live within the creator. The problem is, that one gets consumed by their emotions—by what makes them creatively beautiful—and they forget that they must actually live outside their heads as well.
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Do Silicone Implants Smell Like Vinegar??
We had new air conditioners installed at work. The office smelled like vinegar for two whole days. Someone said it was the silicone sealant. So I asked: If the silicone sealant smells like vinegar, then do silicone implants smell like vinegar also?
One person in the room stated that I should probably not say every little thing that pops into my head out loud. That person doesn’t know anything. Anyway, this elicited some laughter but also prompted a 5 minute discussion. No one really knew. We asked the boys if they ever had a silicone run-in and of course they hadn’t, and I had no idea cuz my breasts are real, so my boss suggested we ask Jeeves. (yes, my boss was part of the discussion) So I did. Jeeves didn’t even know. But he did list all the chemicals that are found in breast implants such as: acetone, lacquer thinner, printing ink and formaldehyde. That’s pretty gross.
Anyway, so my boss attended a dinner that night and the next morning tells me that she was making the rounds and ended up sitting at a table where she only knew half the people. She started talking about me (even called me by name so now there are a few more people in the world who think I’m a wackadoo) and told them about the question of the day. She even went as far as listing some of the chemicals. She stated that one woman did not appear particularly amused by this (she works in my mothers building). I told my boss that I was glad to have provided her with an ice-breaker of a topic but next time she should probably not repeat any of the things that come out of my mouth.
One should only say the things I say if: A. you don’t care what the present company thinks of you, B. you are comfortable enough with saying insane things to the people you are talking to, C. you are talking to a therapist.
So, for those of you who have witnessed one of my many insane rants, statements, or questions, please take it as a compliment. I feel comfortable enough to wave my freak flag in front of you. That should mean something to you. Wait, or I don’t care what you think...uuummm....
One person in the room stated that I should probably not say every little thing that pops into my head out loud. That person doesn’t know anything. Anyway, this elicited some laughter but also prompted a 5 minute discussion. No one really knew. We asked the boys if they ever had a silicone run-in and of course they hadn’t, and I had no idea cuz my breasts are real, so my boss suggested we ask Jeeves. (yes, my boss was part of the discussion) So I did. Jeeves didn’t even know. But he did list all the chemicals that are found in breast implants such as: acetone, lacquer thinner, printing ink and formaldehyde. That’s pretty gross.
Anyway, so my boss attended a dinner that night and the next morning tells me that she was making the rounds and ended up sitting at a table where she only knew half the people. She started talking about me (even called me by name so now there are a few more people in the world who think I’m a wackadoo) and told them about the question of the day. She even went as far as listing some of the chemicals. She stated that one woman did not appear particularly amused by this (she works in my mothers building). I told my boss that I was glad to have provided her with an ice-breaker of a topic but next time she should probably not repeat any of the things that come out of my mouth.
One should only say the things I say if: A. you don’t care what the present company thinks of you, B. you are comfortable enough with saying insane things to the people you are talking to, C. you are talking to a therapist.
So, for those of you who have witnessed one of my many insane rants, statements, or questions, please take it as a compliment. I feel comfortable enough to wave my freak flag in front of you. That should mean something to you. Wait, or I don’t care what you think...uuummm....
Saturday, May 8, 2010
(Un)lucky Shirt
I have a lucky shirt. You guys know which one I'm talking about. Blue and black plaid. I bought it in September and wore it twice a week, every week, for the first 2 months. I just realized today though, that it's my unlucky shirt. Things happen when I wear it. Not necessarily bad things, but things.
The first time I wore it was the first time I saw Audio Fiction (one of my favorite bands ever!). I also met Druggie Douchebag that night (not so good). I wore it again 2 weeks later on "That Tuesday" night. My friend, MoJo, had a front row seat to that show. It was a group "that night" experience. The world turned and somehow gathered a very random bunch of people in one room, we were all connected in some way, yet had no reason to be there at that same exact time. Druggie Douchebag showed up. I had my phone "stolen" by one of his friends. I decided to be a rockstar and stay up all night and go to work in the morning. In the same clothes as the night before. I was in that shirt for 24 hours. Awake for almost 32 hours straight. I remember thinking I was dying and wondering how I got myself in that situation. Druggie douchebag soon disappeared after that. Thankfully. I also stopped frequenting Arctica Bar soon after. Partly because of D.D. and partly because of the bartender that wanted to poison me. It's a long story. Related, but long.
In November, we had a roof collapse at work. It was during a heavy rain period. The construction workers fucked up and it ended up raining on the 3rd floor. I felt like a nation that had been hit by a tsunami. On top of figuring out where 300 students were gonna go and making sure no one go electrocuted by all the wet equipment, I found myself as a human shield between an insane parent who figured she would charge down the hallway to attack a 280 lb, over 6 foot tall student. My necklace got ripped off during that. I was wearing the lucky shirt.
I was also wearing the shirt in April when I recorded and filmed my video for "One Person Romance". The costume for that video was not planned but now the infamous plaid shirt is forever immortalized on film.
There were more incidents between those. Always trouble, always a story.
The first time I wore it was the first time I saw Audio Fiction (one of my favorite bands ever!). I also met Druggie Douchebag that night (not so good). I wore it again 2 weeks later on "That Tuesday" night. My friend, MoJo, had a front row seat to that show. It was a group "that night" experience. The world turned and somehow gathered a very random bunch of people in one room, we were all connected in some way, yet had no reason to be there at that same exact time. Druggie Douchebag showed up. I had my phone "stolen" by one of his friends. I decided to be a rockstar and stay up all night and go to work in the morning. In the same clothes as the night before. I was in that shirt for 24 hours. Awake for almost 32 hours straight. I remember thinking I was dying and wondering how I got myself in that situation. Druggie douchebag soon disappeared after that. Thankfully. I also stopped frequenting Arctica Bar soon after. Partly because of D.D. and partly because of the bartender that wanted to poison me. It's a long story. Related, but long.
In November, we had a roof collapse at work. It was during a heavy rain period. The construction workers fucked up and it ended up raining on the 3rd floor. I felt like a nation that had been hit by a tsunami. On top of figuring out where 300 students were gonna go and making sure no one go electrocuted by all the wet equipment, I found myself as a human shield between an insane parent who figured she would charge down the hallway to attack a 280 lb, over 6 foot tall student. My necklace got ripped off during that. I was wearing the lucky shirt.
I was also wearing the shirt in April when I recorded and filmed my video for "One Person Romance". The costume for that video was not planned but now the infamous plaid shirt is forever immortalized on film.
There were more incidents between those. Always trouble, always a story.
Thursday, May 6, 2010
After You Get What You Want You Don't Want What You Wanted At All
I was looking through my planner and realized that there were quotes written through it. Here’s one that caught my eye: Sometimes you may need to say ‘no’ to something good to say ‘yes’ to something better.
At first, it seems like good advice, right? What we think may be good may actually hinder us from getting something that’s a better fit for us. Except….it leads us to keep passing everything up in hopes that “something better” will turn up. When does the point come when we just have to settle on what we have right in front of us? And, is settling on that thing really giving up? We say ‘settling’ like it’s a bad thing. We always are going to want more than what we have because the grass is always greener. When is it ok to just be content with what we have?
It’s not all right to say ‘no’ to everything in hopes that something better will appear but it’s also not ok to settle on the first thing that presents itself because it leads to regretting. Regretting how things turned out and regretting what could have happened if things were different. I don’t regret anything. Everything is a lesson. I regret situations not turning out differently, but not the actual outcome.
After you get what you want, you don’t want what you wanted at all. Ain’t that the truth…
At first, it seems like good advice, right? What we think may be good may actually hinder us from getting something that’s a better fit for us. Except….it leads us to keep passing everything up in hopes that “something better” will turn up. When does the point come when we just have to settle on what we have right in front of us? And, is settling on that thing really giving up? We say ‘settling’ like it’s a bad thing. We always are going to want more than what we have because the grass is always greener. When is it ok to just be content with what we have?
It’s not all right to say ‘no’ to everything in hopes that something better will appear but it’s also not ok to settle on the first thing that presents itself because it leads to regretting. Regretting how things turned out and regretting what could have happened if things were different. I don’t regret anything. Everything is a lesson. I regret situations not turning out differently, but not the actual outcome.
After you get what you want, you don’t want what you wanted at all. Ain’t that the truth…
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
We Have No Time...Lies.
About 2 months ago, I was sitting on the train thinking about time. Actually, I was wondering how it passed so fast while I was at the Pig n’ Whistle on a Tuesday night and why I was on the train at 1am. My facebook status that night was:
Sometimes time outruns us. And sometimes we run out of time whether it’s by choice or whether another makes that choice for us.
I thought about how we don’t have any control over time but WE choose how to spend the time we do have. Sometimes we give too much time to things and people we shouldn’t and other times we don’t give enough. For anyone who’s had someone they know pass away, the question of time always looms in the back of your mind: Did I spend enough time with them? Should I have given more? I wish I had more time.
Time passes so quickly that we don’t even notice, which is why we don’t actively make good use of it. Sometimes we even say “I don’t have time for that”. That’s a lie. We have time, we just don’t want to give it to that particular thing. I caught myself recently and had to give myself a talking to. I was thinking about a man I met a couple of weeks ago. We were supposed to meet for coffee (a date, I suppose. Do people even do that anymore?) Anyway, our wires got crossed (thank you, technology) and it never happened. Ball was in my court. I could’ve called him back but I told myself that I didn’t have time (it truly was a very hectic week) but it was bullshit. And I called myself on it.
We’re liars. All of us. “Lack of Time” is the excuse we give when we are scared. Scared that doing something may turn out to be what we believe is a ‘waste of our time’ if it doesn’t go according to what we plan it to be. There is no such thing. Every moment is a lesson, every event is an experience. No time to do the dishes? Bullshit. I’m sure you sat through Lady Gaga’s newest video for 9 minutes and 32 seconds. That was precious dishwashing time.
Once the 24th hour of the day is up, it is followed by more time. And a new day. And continues for longer than any of us ever will. As I’m writing this, Keane’s song ‘She Has No Time’ played on my ipod. The chorus states “she says she has no time for you now/she says she has no time”. Ouch, officially burned. She should just be honest and tell him that she doesn’t want to make the effort to create time for this poor guy. I guess he’ll get over it…eventually…we all do.
So go ahead. Right now. Make time for those things you claim to have no time for. Do it now before it’s too late because the only thing that will run out of time is YOU. Maybe I’ll even go ahead and call the dude…if he even chooses to pick up at this point. If he doesn’t, at least I learned something.
Sometimes time outruns us. And sometimes we run out of time whether it’s by choice or whether another makes that choice for us.
I thought about how we don’t have any control over time but WE choose how to spend the time we do have. Sometimes we give too much time to things and people we shouldn’t and other times we don’t give enough. For anyone who’s had someone they know pass away, the question of time always looms in the back of your mind: Did I spend enough time with them? Should I have given more? I wish I had more time.
Time passes so quickly that we don’t even notice, which is why we don’t actively make good use of it. Sometimes we even say “I don’t have time for that”. That’s a lie. We have time, we just don’t want to give it to that particular thing. I caught myself recently and had to give myself a talking to. I was thinking about a man I met a couple of weeks ago. We were supposed to meet for coffee (a date, I suppose. Do people even do that anymore?) Anyway, our wires got crossed (thank you, technology) and it never happened. Ball was in my court. I could’ve called him back but I told myself that I didn’t have time (it truly was a very hectic week) but it was bullshit. And I called myself on it.
We’re liars. All of us. “Lack of Time” is the excuse we give when we are scared. Scared that doing something may turn out to be what we believe is a ‘waste of our time’ if it doesn’t go according to what we plan it to be. There is no such thing. Every moment is a lesson, every event is an experience. No time to do the dishes? Bullshit. I’m sure you sat through Lady Gaga’s newest video for 9 minutes and 32 seconds. That was precious dishwashing time.
Once the 24th hour of the day is up, it is followed by more time. And a new day. And continues for longer than any of us ever will. As I’m writing this, Keane’s song ‘She Has No Time’ played on my ipod. The chorus states “she says she has no time for you now/she says she has no time”. Ouch, officially burned. She should just be honest and tell him that she doesn’t want to make the effort to create time for this poor guy. I guess he’ll get over it…eventually…we all do.
So go ahead. Right now. Make time for those things you claim to have no time for. Do it now before it’s too late because the only thing that will run out of time is YOU. Maybe I’ll even go ahead and call the dude…if he even chooses to pick up at this point. If he doesn’t, at least I learned something.
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