I Don't Have Tear Ducts, Right?

I wrote a paper analyzing Socrates' apology that he gives at his trial. If you don't know the story, he was accused of many things (for taking money for his teachings, being an atheist, etc.). He gives a speech trying to defend himself and I was to analyze it and then pretend I was on the jury and give my verdict. I pretty much argued that he was a self-important philosopher who was neither wise nor modest who condemned himself to death by exhibiting these unlikeable characteristics. From what he said, I found Socrates to be obnoxiously arrogant and distrustful especially when he states that what he did and said was being misinterpreted by his accusers. I just thought that was another excuse.

Then I realized today the amount of times we misinterpret things. We misjudge people all the time. It's true that words are just words and actions are what people should be judged on--but there's room for misinterpretation there too. How many times have we said to someone "oh, I thought you were mad at me because you didn't talk to me when I saw you", when in reality they were just tired or upset about something or just having a bad day overall. It had nothing to do with you but because you were present at the moment you thought what you saw was directed towards you. What you see is not necessarily what you get and your interpretation of something is fueled by your own past associations of certain actions. Your brain needs to associate what it sees with something it knows. Which is why we surround ourselves with people who seem familiar to us. They remind us of someone else and we know how to deal with them or the same outcome is expected so we are prepared.

I don't want to fly the 'I'm so complex no one understands me' flag, but I know for a fact that my actions(and words) get misinterpreted all the time. What you see is what you get to a certain point but there's more. That goes for everybody. Sometimes we don't realize how we are perceived by others because we don't know how they're interpreting us. People think I'm loud and aggressive and argumentative and tough, and while I am all of those things to a certain extent, there are other things that make me ME. People see that I'm tough and are tough with me because they think "she can take it". What they don't realize is that I'm also extremely sensitive. I always was. I'll never show it though. My mom always told the story of the time we went to see Beauty and the Beast in the theatre. I must have been 5 years old. She looked over and saw I was crying. Not because I was scared but because the Beast had died and Belle loved him and she cried. I felt sympathy and empathy. I don't know if you're supposed to feel those yet at the age of 5.

I didn't realize how tough people thought I was until I was talking to my friend (she's a crier) and she said "I don't know what I would do if you cried. I wouldn't know how to console you". This is because people see this tough chick who doesn't seem to care what other people think of her and if something can make her cry then it's something major which means everyone should be crying and we're all fucked.

I joked with a friend once that I can't cry because "I don't have tear ducts". That stuck and I said it all the time. Then one day, he said it back to me--"you can't cry. You don't have tear ducts, right?" I heard that and thought "wait. I do cry. I probably spent most of my days crying. And I do have feelings." People forget that sometimes. Then again, I probably forget that some people have feelings too....

If you ever hear me say that I'm incapable of crying--do me a favor--give me something to cry about and teach me a lesson.