I’m full of bullshit. I realize this more recently. Partly because more people have called me out on it and partly because I’m not trying as hard to be that convincing. I challenged some random dude at a barbecue to a dance off a few weeks ago. When I laughed it off as a joke and backed down, he said “you’re all talk. No follow through”. I only knew him for about 2 hours. He’s right though. A complete stranger can see how much bull I’m comprised of. So, of course, once I’m called out on it, I step up (hence licking Sweet Mags foot in the park). It’s a cover. A defense mechanism used for self preservation. What exactly am I preserving myself against? What can be so detrimental to me that I can’t eventually get over? Defense mechanisms result from fear of something. And I think I figured out what I'm afraid of.
An ex-student came to visit recently. She asked me how my love life was and said “You haven’t met anyone who can tolerate your b.s? Not that you’re a bad person but you’re aggressive and strong. But you’re also bubbly and funny...yet fierce. So, you need someone who can handle that”. I laughed but I was really in shock. She said it perfectly. A 20 year old could see that I’m full of shit. I can’t believe I’m that transparent.
Someone once said that they were “concerned I couldn’t put my money where my mouth was”. I didn’t know what exactly they were referring to—I still don’t to this day—and I never bothered asking. I thought he was just trying to be an ass and challenge me. He was right though. I wasn’t. It seemed like I was from the outside but really, I was hiding. I wish he would've called me out on it more. I could've realized I was full of shit back in January.
Blogging helps with this. I can’t see who’s reading it so I’m ok with just writing under the assumption that only 3 people read it. It’s good to get these things out anyway. It’s therapeutic and cheaper than paying for a shrink….
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