Sex On The Beach

A few years ago, I mean long ago when I was about 20 years old, I went to Sephora just to look and while I was in the perfume section I can came across a scent from Demeter labeled “Sex On The Beach”. As I was looking at it, a voice from behind me says “Ever try it?” I was so shocked I put it back on the shelf and spun around and with an appalled and embarrassed expression on my face I said “No! Have you?” The salesman realized that I took his questioning to mean if I’ve actually had sex on a beach instead of if I’ve smelled the scent before. He then got embarrassed and stammered an apology and we shared an awkward laugh and then I walked towards the door. It’s one of those moments that can never be forgotten.

Jump Before You Think

“I’m so afraid to fail so I won’t even try/ Well, how can I say I’m alive?" ~Dido

I think too much. Sometimes, that’s a bad thing. I’m always thinking of what could happen, the consequences, scenarios that could fix anything that goes wrong. I think then I forget to do. I think before I jump and I end up not jumping at all. (except in the case of tattoos and that one last drink of the night where in both cases leaves me wondering “Dude, how come I did that?”) I went to Trapeze class last week. It was my idea. Then I stopped and said “wait a minute. How the hell do you get up there? Oh, a ladder. Yeah….” I have a fear of falling. Not jumping. Falling. I’ve had a recurring dream since I was young of fall down stairs—having no control. That’s why I hate escalators, fire escapes, ladders, poles….

We arrived at trapeze and found the setup in the back of the woods in Rockville Centre, NY. It didn’t look very steady and I wished that I did have that beer that I wanted at lunch. They gave us a quick breakdown of what would happen and then made us do it. No demonstration. Nothing. Just get up there and do it. I don’t operate that way. I like to see it, have instructions, study it, think of how I’m gonna do it, and then go for it. The first time I climbed the ladder to get to the platform, I had a panic attack. I didn’t once look down and I hyperventilated while holding on for dear life on this tiny platform. I didn’t think I could do it. And I didn’t. At least not correctly. I didn’t expect for the bar to be so heavy and the feeling of floor leaving was new. That, and the combination of not having a good grip of the bar, led me to eat net. I am now the owner of a lovely bruised left knee that will probably leave a scar that can keep the other bike-riding induced scar on my knee company.

Out of 4 tries I could only hold onto the bar and hook my knees over once. By the time we were going to try a “catch” I was tired, nauseous, dejected and ready to give up. They convinced me to try at least once more, and I hate being a quitter, so I went for it. I completed a catch on the first try. It was pretty amazing. I would probably do it again, that doesn’t mean that I won’t hyperventilate and complain and whine and try to punk out. I will. But I’ll get over it and do it.

It’s true that if we don’t try, we’ll never know, and the inability to try, stems from fear. So, it’s ok to miss the bar sometimes and fall. You can even be mad about it, even sad. But you have to get up and climb up there again. Yeah, you’ll come out with some scrapes and bruises, maybe you’ll remember the pain for the rest of your life or maybe you’ll forget about it and be ok. Either way, climb to the edge and…JUMP.

1pm On A Sunday Is Way Too Early To Have Thoughts

As I was walking to brunch yesterday, I had a few thoughts/observations. It was way too early for them, but once they come you can't stop them (that's what she said).

1. The shuttle. Everyone knows that the shuttle shows up every 5 minutes, sometimes every 2 minutes. If this is a known fact, why do people feel compelled to run for it? Especially when no one is saying "Get your ass in here! I'm closing the doors!" It was the funniest thing to watch people start running for it just because the person in front of them picked up pace. Which leads me to be even more saddened by society, for this just shows that people are followers, not leaders (maybe the first guy who ran is the leader, but he probably got the idea from someone else. It's a chicken vs. egg situation). What's even more embarrassing is that the train didn't leave for another 5 minutes. I can see the look of people faces that said "I'm such an idiot. Now I'm just sitting on the train not going anywhere. Why didn't I just walk like everyone else?"

2. Times Square. The worst place in the world. Especially if you want to get to your projected destination...as some point during the next decade. It's the land of the 'stop and go'---where you're walking along and suddenly have to screech to a halt or do a fast-thinking left/right pass because the person in front of you wants to take a picture of the cop on a horse or has been conned into getting a caricature of themselves done by an Asian man for $20. It's horrible. Tourists. Bleh!

3. Weathermen/weather women/weather girls. They have NO IDEA what they are talking about. Seriously. We've been waiting for a thunderstorm since last Monday....um, I'm still waiting. I'm pretty sure I can do the job WAY better than they can merely based on the fact that I got an 'A' in my Weather And Climate class. Actually, I just may have heard some thunder (or it's a plane fast approaching the Earth). Either way, a week too late Mr. G.

4. Bad People. Bad things happen more to bad people than to good people. Remember that next time you feel like your world has gone to shit. Then call up a bad person and ask them how it's going. I guarantee you there will be a smile on your face before the conversation has ended. I'm smiling right now as I think of that someone who's going to get what he deserves pretty soon. Maybe I'll give him a call and ask how he's doing....

There Are Some Things You Can't Do Without A Right Hand

I went to Trapeze class the other day. Terrifying. But amazing. By the end, I had no right hand. The skin had been ripped off in several spots probably from gripping both the ladder and bar for dear life.
I'm now on day 3 of being hand less and here are some things I found to be difficult without a hand. I figured you people should know what to expect in case you meet that crossroad.

Things that are difficult, near impossible to do without a hand:
1. tie your hair in a ponytail
2. wash your hair (properly)
3. apply suntan lotion (sorry left side but you now have skin cancer)
4. shake hands
5. write a nasty letter to the person who parked on top of your bumper (if you're
right handed)
6. masturbate (again, if you're right-handed. if you are a leftie and/or
ambidextrous, congrats. you are free to enjoy your Stan)
7. make a salad (or really do anything that involves chopping)
8. carry more than 1 bag with a handle
9. hold a newborn
10. lift weights
11. play the piano/guitar/tuba/ukulele/ banjo/ tin whistle/ etc..
12. give a high five without excruciating pain
13. shuck corn
14. wash dishes
15. blow dry hair

it's not limited just to these 15, but it's a good start.

Just Cuz It's Called Long Island City Doesnt Mean All You Long Islanders Can Flock Here

So, this past Friday I graced Long Island City with my presence. If I didn't have to take 2 trains to work and have to get up while it's still dark out, I would move there in a heartbeat. Anyway, my friend and I went for a drink after an afternoon of sitting in the sun. The name escapes me but it was a cute little place. There were only a few people in the bar when we walked in but I noticed a group of 3 guys sitting at the bar looking at us. I was ready. Game face on.

We were standing right next to them deciding what to drink when the middle man (let's call him Mike) tapped my friend (the nicer one of the duo-lets call her Sugar). This is what transpired:

Mike- hey, are you girls planning on sitting next to my buddy ____(insert typical bridge and tunnel name). We have a train to catch in 15 minutes but if you are, we're ok with missing it.
Sugar- I think we're gonna sit outside. We wouldn't want you to miss your train. Where are you from?
Mike- we're from Long Island....I'm going to my mansion in Montauk.
Me- hahahah. (On the inside: figures, they're from L.I.)

We order drinks, head towards the back and here's the kicker:

Mike- (yelling across the bar)you girls made the biggest mistake of your lives!
Me- (with dark glasses on I look back, sangria in hand and a smile on my face) I think I'll get over it.

Then I turned and walked right outside.

That about sums up my relationships...except I wish it was always a break as clean as on this day.

I Don't Mind, But It's Kinda Creepy

What’s up with men and pigtails? Why do they find them so sexy? It kinda freaks me out. I know it’s the whole ‘young school girl’ fantasy, but just how young do you think I am/want me to be? It’s really creepy.

That is all.

A Note To John Mayer

So, we just became a John Mayer friendly household. I never thought I’d see the day. But it’s here. And it’s in my itunes so I must embrace it.

As much as I believe that we are supposed to be together for the mere fact that the universe keeps throwing us together, I also maintain that you are a giant fucked up douchebag. I don’t think you mean to be douchey but you're so messed up in the head that you can’t even see what you say/do clearly anymore. Your songs are about love, usually lost love. You pine that no one can return the love that you give out and that you're so full of cupids, hearts, and little babies but the world won’t let you show it to the best of you ability.

I call bullshit, Mayer.

While your songs are useful in times where one is feeling so low all they want is to hear songs to make them cry and forget what it is that they’ve lost, in reality, it’s bullshit. You claim “I believe that my life’s gonna see the love I give return to me”….why is it that you feel that what you put out is so much more than what other people are giving you? JM, have you ever stopped to wonder that maybe, just maybe, you’re not letting anyone love you? On the outside, through your lyrics, it looks like you are but the feelings that resonate in your songs are not translated through your actions in your actual life. One beautiful celebrity after another, and while they may also be as fucked up in the head as you, you’re telling me that none of them loved you the way you loved them? Or is it that you were too scared to actually let them love you because you’re afraid of getting hurt? Which may be the reason you started writing songs in the first place.

Stop whining and crying all the time that it’s so hard being you because of your celebrity status and other people’s inability to love you. The common factor in all this is you. Change your shit.

(I apologize for this rant. I just listened to “Wheel” and it dawned on me that he’s always blaming others for his problems. This little note is not only meant for him but also applies to the rest of us who do the same damn thing. I still probably want to sleep with him. My love has not wavered. Don’t you worry about that.)