Jump Before You Think

“I’m so afraid to fail so I won’t even try/ Well, how can I say I’m alive?" ~Dido

I think too much. Sometimes, that’s a bad thing. I’m always thinking of what could happen, the consequences, scenarios that could fix anything that goes wrong. I think then I forget to do. I think before I jump and I end up not jumping at all. (except in the case of tattoos and that one last drink of the night where in both cases leaves me wondering “Dude, how come I did that?”) I went to Trapeze class last week. It was my idea. Then I stopped and said “wait a minute. How the hell do you get up there? Oh, a ladder. Yeah….” I have a fear of falling. Not jumping. Falling. I’ve had a recurring dream since I was young of fall down stairs—having no control. That’s why I hate escalators, fire escapes, ladders, poles….

We arrived at trapeze and found the setup in the back of the woods in Rockville Centre, NY. It didn’t look very steady and I wished that I did have that beer that I wanted at lunch. They gave us a quick breakdown of what would happen and then made us do it. No demonstration. Nothing. Just get up there and do it. I don’t operate that way. I like to see it, have instructions, study it, think of how I’m gonna do it, and then go for it. The first time I climbed the ladder to get to the platform, I had a panic attack. I didn’t once look down and I hyperventilated while holding on for dear life on this tiny platform. I didn’t think I could do it. And I didn’t. At least not correctly. I didn’t expect for the bar to be so heavy and the feeling of floor leaving was new. That, and the combination of not having a good grip of the bar, led me to eat net. I am now the owner of a lovely bruised left knee that will probably leave a scar that can keep the other bike-riding induced scar on my knee company.

Out of 4 tries I could only hold onto the bar and hook my knees over once. By the time we were going to try a “catch” I was tired, nauseous, dejected and ready to give up. They convinced me to try at least once more, and I hate being a quitter, so I went for it. I completed a catch on the first try. It was pretty amazing. I would probably do it again, that doesn’t mean that I won’t hyperventilate and complain and whine and try to punk out. I will. But I’ll get over it and do it.

It’s true that if we don’t try, we’ll never know, and the inability to try, stems from fear. So, it’s ok to miss the bar sometimes and fall. You can even be mad about it, even sad. But you have to get up and climb up there again. Yeah, you’ll come out with some scrapes and bruises, maybe you’ll remember the pain for the rest of your life or maybe you’ll forget about it and be ok. Either way, climb to the edge and…JUMP.