It's All About The Eyes, Boys

You've heard this story before: a guy you know says "my ex was so crazy" and "that girl I was dating was crazy". After the fifth time you stop and say: hold up, either you have found ALL the crazy girls to date (which is on YOU because there are a lot of very nice non-crazy chicks out there) or you truly are oblivious to all the signs and need some assistance. There are indeed signs, boys. We all have our crazy but some peoples isn't situational, it is constant. Those are the ones you want to avoid so here's a guide on how to spot them.

Firstly, watch How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days. Secondly, avoid girls who do all the things Kate Hudson does. If you are too lazy to get on Netflix let me give you the cliff notes version:

1. If you start seeing a girl and she "conveniently" forgets something at your place, put those antennae up. We're girls. We know where everything is. At all times.

2. Two months in she's stocking your fridge with her favorite things and bought you some throw pillows for your couch. Keep your eye out, she's getting too cozy. One day you're going to realize that she's slept in your bed for the last....21 days. She has officially moved in and you didn't notice. Your fault.

3. She's all of a sudden BFF with your mom/sister/your BFF from kindergarten. You've been dating for 3 weeks. She's getting her claws in those around you so it's harder for you to break up with her. Cuz they all really liked her and now you went and ruined everything and your mom reminds you of it every Christmas. For the rest of your life.

4. She pouts and cries to get her way. It's one thing if she cries because you're being a dick but if she cries and then is all smiles when you agree/do something/buy something she wants, red flag. Most girls don't do that, they are humans who recognize they will not always get their way and they deal with it. Just like YOU will not always get your way.

5. She mentioned Jeffrey and Sally. Brunch buddies? Nope. The name of your future children, silly. Yeah, we all get in a good relationship and want to think long-term so maybe you'll have your wedding in your hometown and go to Fiji for your honeymoon and both want 3 kids. That's ok to think about. But you do it in your head. Alone. And you don't tell a guy that (because you tend to scare easily) until you're sure he's going to put a ring on it in the next couple years.

6. You have guy night this Friday. She says "don't leave me!" Or "can I come too?" Or really doesn't ask you at all and ends up being the only girl at poker night. Even if all her friends are busy and can't hang out, your girl should be capable of sitting alone at home with a bottle of wine while you do your thing. You don't need to be attached at the hip 24/7. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. I guess that means constant companionship makes the heart grow dark and hateful..

7. She's in the same place you are....and you're in another town/city. How did she know? Because your friend tagged you on Facebook or Instagram. Coincidence right? Yup, if you live and/or hang out in the same places. But if it seems to happen more than not, start looking more closely. Yes, we have all been guilty of cyber stalking. We've checked out peoples old photos or checked out the new person someone just became friends with, and don't try to deny it because I can't think of one person I know that hasn't checked into someone else. Curiosity is human nature. When you have a board on your wall with pictures of how your boyfriend knows everyone with string connecting it like you're part of the cast of The Wire, then you may have a problem.


8. Look at her Instagram. There's a lot of selfies. And she's 'liked' her own selfies. And most of those selfies are taken while she's in the driver seat of the car. Chances are she isn't a very safe driver to begin with so she should probably put down the phone. Run.

9. She posts those dramatic facebook meme/quotes/pictures.Example: “Sometimes 2 people need to be lost in order to find each other again” with a background pic of a sunset…. Yup, we all love inspirational quotes but there's a line between inspiration and sad emo pay attention and feel sorry for me. Double crazy points if her Instagram pictures pretty much alternate from car selfies to these posts.

10. Her Facebook profile picture album has 120 pictures in it. Because she changes it almost every week. Because she has a lot of selfies. Here she is being artistic girl, sad girl, party girl, bikini girl, black and white looking into the distance girl, side boob girl....the caption for all these photos is always the same: crazy eyes girl.

11. She says "I don't have many girl friends. They tend not to like me. But I do have a lot of guy friends!"...red alert!!! This isn't the Bad Girls Club, we don't always fight with each other. There are some girls who have never ever had a fight with their girl friend because unlike family, you can choose your friends so why choose people you hate? You can have a lot of guy friends, sure, but most girls have at least 1 or 2 girls they're close with. There's a reason she has no girl friends. And it's probably because her "guy friends" used to be her girl friends boyfriends.


12. Her longest, most loving, relationship ever has been with....her dog. It's the only thing that has been constant in her life. Her dog is also untrained, does it's own thing, and goes ballistic when it doesn't get its way. I hear dogs are reflections of their owners so....



You can't complain if you keep choosing crazy girls. Sometimes, we make a mistake. Some people are really, really good at hiding their crazy. But if you look at the pictures on this post, these girls all have the same thing. They may have different colored eyes but there is a twinkle in them. That little twinkle that says "if you break up with me, I will burn all your shit." Boys, look for that twinkle. It really is there.

One thing I can't wrap my head around is when guys get back with exes who were labeled "crazy". They are not a tattoo or a time when you gave birth to a living thing. They are not pain that is momentary and situational that you forget about over time. Because we always swear we're never getting another tattoo but then do it again and scream "this is the worst idea ever!" Because humans don't really change so yes, it really IS the worst idea ever if that girl falls into any of the above categories. And no, the sex really WASN'T that great. There are sane girls who can do the same moves, we read the same Cosmo articles. Also, when a guy claims all his exes were crazy, the first thing we think about (if you aren't indeed crazy eyed) is, "when we break up, will he be telling his friends that same thing about me?" Men, don't do that. Don't say all your exes were crazy. Say: "I chose to date a lot of crazy girls and I don't wanna do that anymore which is why I'm with you, honey. Because you're fucking awesome". But only if it's true---because if you lie to us we will know. And we will burn your shit to the ground.



I know I'm picking on the girls right now but there are also guys who you want to avoid. That will be another blog post entirely for the ladies....stay tuned.

2014: 1---------Everyone Else: 0

2014 has been kicking our asses. People losing their jobs, people just quitting their jobs, people moving to other cities, deaths, marriages, breakups...all in just 5 months! It's been a damn whirlwind but I'm excited (and scared) to see what the next 7 months will bring. Hopefully all happiness and smooth sailings cuz I don't know if we can handle much more craziness.
what the next part of the year should look like...

May flew by and I don't even have more than a second to write a damn post. I do have lots of thoughts though so it would be really helpful if we could connect my brain to the computer with a USB so it can just download....can someone invent that please.


I leave you with this for now:

" The secret of life, though, is to fall seven times and to get up eight times"
~ Paulo Coelho

Are You Suffering From Nopantsness?

Leggings are not pants. I don't know how many times we can say it or how many magazines can write about it before people believe it. We even provide pictures for those visual learners. We write funny captions mocking these leggings wearers (some may have even recognized their flabby butts in the back of Glamour with the black bar over their face), but yet they continue to wear them in public.

How many times have I had to witness camel toe, obviously panty lines, see-through leggings with NO underwear, leggings with holes in them, and underwear that showed right through. I don't wanna see your underwear with hearts all over it that says PINK on the butt as I walked behind you down the street and I highly doubt men are turned on by that.

There's a reason why they are sheer---because they are meant to go UNDER something. So do us all a favor and tell a girl you know suffering from undiagnosed Nopantsness, that she doesn't have to be ashamed of her condition but she does need to make a major change in her life. She needs to buy some real pants.

Photo Credits: Maria Corbett

We all like to feel stretchy and have the freedom to drop it down and do a split on command without having to hike up our jean leg, but your leggings need to stay inside, preferably hanging out with an oversized shirt that covers your junk.


Readers, spread the word. Post this PSA on your walls, email it to a friend suffering from this disorder, and hang it up in your office so that lady who sits in the corner cubicle can see it and say, "damn, that lady with the black bar on her face is me. I will suffer from this embarrassment no more!"

The 'Who Can Care Less' Generation

I recently read an article in which the author claimed this generations’ interpersonal relationships had become a game of ‘who can care less’. I read her article twice and paused at that sentence and thought of several personal situations where that was true. Thinking back I could notice that that had happened, but when it actually occurred it was a natural reaction. This frightened me that I had no idea it was happening and that trying to appear uninvolved and unaffected by something or someone was so second nature. It’s understandable, as a self-preservation measure to guard us against being hurt, but it’s become so part of our nature now and we do it just to keep up with the norm around us.

The author started the article regarding college dating, but then how we act in those early years sort of continues throughout our twenties and, for some people, into their thirties. The author pointed out an instance in her life where a boy she liked in college asked her if she was going to a party being thrown and that they would meet up. She got excited but didn’t want to show it, and did what we all do---act super chill and aloof. But then he didn’t text her and she didn’t know if she would go to the party so she ended up staying home. When she ran into him, she casually mentioned it (because you don’t want to seem like you really care, right?) and he kind of shrugged it off and said that he thought they were just meeting there making it seem like they got their wires crossed. Now, maybe he wasn’t interested and this was a way for him to blow her off nicely, maybe he just wanted to go with his friends and assumed they were just going to pass each other while there, or maybe he legitimately didn’t think she was looking forward to going to the party with him because…she was so aloof about the whole thing! I’m fascinated by peoples’ behaviors and choices and actions (both voluntary and involuntary) and there’s always room for misinterpretation at any given time, but now we have to ‘fake’ everything (including how we act and what we feel) so there’s so much more misinterpretation than ever--because no one is actually expressing what or how they feel! It’s all a big lie and we have to waste time breaking down all the scenarios it could be, and even then, sometimes it’s nothing we think it could be. It’s all very exhausting.

Everyone is afraid of being hurt emotionally—some more than others—but we close ourselves off to feeling anything by making it a competition of ‘who can care less’. We can’t get too excited or too mad or too sad. In the courting phase of a relationship, you’re not supposed to get too excited when you see the other person’s name light up on your phone or be too available for them (even if you ARE home in your pajamas watching The Bachelor). And, god forbid you utter those three deadly words too early...I . Love. ...um, never mind! Because when you get someone who actually strays from the now norm, you panic and call your friend raving “isn’t this too soon!? Why am I meeting his family!? Does he want to get married?! What’s happening?! This is scary, I’m gonna run away now”.

So, to save us all the panic and public humiliation (in case we’re wrong about what we think we’ve read into), we play it cool. Like when your lovely relationship finally implodes, it’s best to see ‘who can care less’. “I’m not bothered”. “NO, I’M not bothered”. And we’re both fine…right?--Except we’re in our respective corners downing a bottle of Jack or binge watching The Notebook. A few episodes ago, New Girl solidified this phenomenon when Jess and Nick broke up---they played the ‘who can care less’ game. And they realized it in the end and decided to just be honest about how they were feeling. Which is so much better, but so damn scary. We have to be even keeled, emotionless robots all the time. But if everyone isn’t saying or showing how they really feel, then do we actually know anything? We’re all just existing. It’s weird when you stop and think about it. If what we’re doing isn’t truthful then that leads to more hurt feelings and misinterpretations. It’s a stupid cycle. Of course, I’m talking about when two people actually care because there’s always the instances where one person is a selfish, self-involved brat who is unaffected by the whole ordeal. In that case, they shouldn’t have been in a relationship in the first place, affecting other people, but unfortunately, not everyone in this society is capable of caring about other people’s feeling and, sadly, this is a frequent occurrence (one that could be documented at length in a separate blog post).

You always hear older people saying that once you get older you stop caring what other people think. When you’re 80 years old, you figure you’ve survived THAT long so, fuck it “your hat is stupid and you need to lose 20 pounds”, and you can say things like that because you have nothing to lose. In your thirties you look back on yourself in your 20’s and say, “Gurl, you were so dumb sometimes! Look at all those opportunities you missed because you were too scared to say or do something”. I’m starting to get that. When you have to go through some strong hurts that shatter your world (or so you think) and then you survive, you start realizing that you’re stronger than you thought and you begin to be able to open yourself up and become a little more vulnerable. Because if you survived the last one, you can survive this one.


HERE'S THE LINK THE TO THE ARTICLE IF YOU WANT TO TAKE A GANDER. QUITE INTERESTING FOR A COSMO PIECE:
http://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/relationship-advice/college-dating-screwed-up

Send A Letter, Save A Text

No one writes letters anymore. I miss that. Not that I ever got many, but there's not even a prospect of it anymore. We post 'thank you’s and 'happy birthday's on Facebook walls now. Invites to parties are electronic. Condolences are through texts. Forget about phone calls...most people get a confused look on their face when they hear a phone ring and answer "what happened?!" Because if someone is actually calling it's either that they're having a baby, won the lotto, or someone died.

The girl I babysit recently got a letter from another 7 year old. I almost died. Not only did she take the time to write it out but she also drew pictures. In a nutshell she was asking if the two girls could become better friends than they currently are since they have things in common and she thought she was nice. I immediately told her to drop that troublemaker friend she has who cut her bangs after school and get with this nice girl.

This girl has the right idea. I don't know how old she is but she sure knows herself and what she wants in life. I can dig that shit.: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/05/02/little-girls-brake-up-not_n_5255105.html?utm_hp_ref=mostpopular

Apparently people used to write each other love letters. I never got one, but come to think of it, I've never written one either, so I shouldn't complain about not getting if I don't give as well. I've written a goodbye letter before so I guess I have put something out there in the world.
We need to write more letters. That's what I'm saying, audience. This is my letter to you. You don't even have to start big with love letters or hate letters or goodbye letters. How about just:

Dear so and so,
I was watching tv the other night and thought of you because I know blah blah is your favorite show. Can you believe they killed what's his face off this season?! Crazy!
Just wanted to let you know I was thinking about you.
Hope all is well and we'll talk soon.

Xoxo,
Letter writer

That's nice, I think. And yes, sending a text is easier and stamps are expensive now but one afternoon as you're sitting watching TV you should pick up a nice pen and write to some people. You can even drive or walk over (exercise!) and put it in their mailbox. I'm sure that letter will give someone else some smiles and send some good wishes your way.
Gotta go, I have some letters to write!


* My friend sent me this a few weeks ago. This may be the nicest love letter ever written. I cried, I smiled, so many emotions. Of course, all in secret. Because if anyone asks...I don't have tear duct. Enjoy:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/emily-bracken/a-letter-from-the-love-you-havent-met-yet_b_5195511.html?1398341002&ncid=fcbklnkushpmg00000063


NOTE:I don't know why but I couldn't get the links to hyperlinks. Sorry. But they are definitely worth cutting and pasting and saving. Some of the best letters I've ever read.

Disney Princess Disasters

There’s been much debate over the last decade about how the classic Disney princess stories have been detrimental in little girls lives and have shaped them to believe that they need rescuing by a man. There has been a movement (so they claim) towards stronger, independent characters in these movies but there is always still an element of a male presence. I can’t think of any movie recently that has no male in it at all, even Frozen and Brave, have men in it that “rescue” the girls in some form. (I'm not certain since I refuse to EVER watch Frozen. I'm over everyone saying its so good and singing all those songs. Let It Go indeed! But I hear there's a man in there who treats her like a real dick so at least they're making it more realistic...)

Cinderella- needed help from a fairy godmother to meet the prince and become princess (her godmother should’ve told her that if he was going to fall in love with her it was to be for her personality not what she was wearing and sent her to the ball in her rags. Real talk.)

Snow White- slept for a long time surrounded by seven little men waiting for her prince to come kiss her and wake her up (she obviously didn’t read the whole Adam/Eve apple story...)

Rapunzel- Locked in a tower waiting for her prince to come rescue her (all that time and she didn’t once look for a staircase or make a rope of bed sheets to climb down? I don’t buy it.)

Sleeping Beauty- another sleepy princess waiting for her prince to come wake her up (That’s pretty much the only man she’s ever seen and she just goes with him? Keep your options open, sister!)

Ariel- Mermaid who falls in love with a human and will do anything to get legs and be a princess (Much love for my little mermaid, but how selfish! “I want legs, I want the prince, I hate you daddy!”....someone needed a time out.)

Jasmine- Spoiled little princess waiting in her garden with my pet tiger who has the pick of all the suitors (don’t even get me started on this one---Jasmine had no redeeming qualities in my eyes. She needed a time out, for sure. And probably a spanking.)

Belle: the sneakiest of all the princesses. Firstly, she wasn’t a princess she was just a girl who loved to read in a small town and was unimpressed by the insipid mind of the local heartthrob who chased after her just to prove he could get her. I loved her—she was strong and sassy and loved books and didn’t mind being on her own. She wasn’t waiting for someone to come save her and I thought (probably subconsciously because I was 5 years old) “Here’s a strong role model. I like this Belle”. But her story was the craftiest.

She sacrifices her freedom to save her father from the Beast (martyr) and then, as a prisoner, she slowly begins to see the good in the scary Beast and wants to help…change him (savior). Oh Belle, if time has taught me anything, it is people cannot change, or moreover, YOU cannot change people, they have to want to change on their own. Now, the Beasts I’ve met (in real life) aren’t really disguised princes cursed by a witch trying to teach them a lesson. If anything, they are the Beast before he was a Beast---charming, handsome, rich (not so much), selfish.

Of course, in true Disney form, there are lots of twists and turns in the middle, some singing, and finally when you think all is lost, true loves kiss saves the Beast, changes him back, his lesson is learned, and everyone lives in the gargoyle-free shiny castle. These endings were the greatest sham and, of course, we all knew it. As we got older we realized, most things don’t have a happy ending and not everything plays out like it’s supposed to. But it took me 24 years to finally realize that Belle’s story sneakily shaped who I was, and now I’m a little mad about it. She wasn’t the maiden in distress, she didn’t need to change or need to learn a lesson. She was helping others, and that’s a nice thing, but it doesn’t always work out and, unfortunately, there wasn’t an alternative ending to that story---the Beast never learns his lesson and she grows old and dies in that castle as his prisoner (after reading all the books in his library, of course). We grew up only learning the happy endings not the realistic ones, and the argument that those stories have a real impact on our lives is true I guess, even for girls who didn’t want to grow up and be princesses and need rescuing.

My mom always mentioned that I cried at the end of the movie and I actually remember that. I remember sitting in the theatre and wiping away tears when the Beast lay in the rain dying and Belle said “I love you”. I don’t know what made me so sad at five years old. Was it the fact that he was dying and his time ran out and they couldn’t be together? Was it that they finally loved each other but he was dying and the thought of them not being together made me sad? Was it that he changed and became selfless and he still was going to die? Who knows. I don’t know what it was exactly; maybe it was all those things.

Now that I’m aware of sneaky little Belle, I’ll be more careful in choosing my Beasts—ones that have some good hidden away underneath their rough exteriors. Ones who have already learned their lessons.