Firstly, watch How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days. Secondly, avoid girls who do all the things Kate Hudson does. If you are too lazy to get on Netflix let me give you the cliff notes version:
1. If you start seeing a girl and she "conveniently" forgets something at your place, put those antennae up. We're girls. We know where everything is. At all times.
2. Two months in she's stocking your fridge with her favorite things and bought you some throw pillows for your couch. Keep your eye out, she's getting too cozy. One day you're going to realize that she's slept in your bed for the last....21 days. She has officially moved in and you didn't notice. Your fault.
3. She's all of a sudden BFF with your mom/sister/your BFF from kindergarten. You've been dating for 3 weeks. She's getting her claws in those around you so it's harder for you to break up with her. Cuz they all really liked her and now you went and ruined everything and your mom reminds you of it every Christmas. For the rest of your life.
4. She pouts and cries to get her way. It's one thing if she cries because you're being a dick but if she cries and then is all smiles when you agree/do something/buy something she wants, red flag. Most girls don't do that, they are humans who recognize they will not always get their way and they deal with it. Just like YOU will not always get your way.
5. She mentioned Jeffrey and Sally. Brunch buddies? Nope. The name of your future children, silly. Yeah, we all get in a good relationship and want to think long-term so maybe you'll have your wedding in your hometown and go to Fiji for your honeymoon and both want 3 kids. That's ok to think about. But you do it in your head. Alone. And you don't tell a guy that (because you tend to scare easily) until you're sure he's going to put a ring on it in the next couple years.
6. You have guy night this Friday. She says "don't leave me!" Or "can I come too?" Or really doesn't ask you at all and ends up being the only girl at poker night. Even if all her friends are busy and can't hang out, your girl should be capable of sitting alone at home with a bottle of wine while you do your thing. You don't need to be attached at the hip 24/7. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. I guess that means constant companionship makes the heart grow dark and hateful..
7. She's in the same place you are....and you're in another town/city. How did she know? Because your friend tagged you on Facebook or Instagram. Coincidence right? Yup, if you live and/or hang out in the same places. But if it seems to happen more than not, start looking more closely. Yes, we have all been guilty of cyber stalking. We've checked out peoples old photos or checked out the new person someone just became friends with, and don't try to deny it because I can't think of one person I know that hasn't checked into someone else. Curiosity is human nature. When you have a board on your wall with pictures of how your boyfriend knows everyone with string connecting it like you're part of the cast of The Wire, then you may have a problem.
8. Look at her Instagram. There's a lot of selfies. And she's 'liked' her own selfies. And most of those selfies are taken while she's in the driver seat of the car. Chances are she isn't a very safe driver to begin with so she should probably put down the phone. Run.
9. She posts those dramatic facebook meme/quotes/pictures.Example: “Sometimes 2 people need to be lost in order to find each other again” with a background pic of a sunset…. Yup, we all love inspirational quotes but there's a line between inspiration and sad emo pay attention and feel sorry for me. Double crazy points if her Instagram pictures pretty much alternate from car selfies to these posts.
10. Her Facebook profile picture album has 120 pictures in it. Because she changes it almost every week. Because she has a lot of selfies. Here she is being artistic girl, sad girl, party girl, bikini girl, black and white looking into the distance girl, side boob girl....the caption for all these photos is always the same: crazy eyes girl.
11. She says "I don't have many girl friends. They tend not to like me. But I do have a lot of guy friends!"...red alert!!! This isn't the Bad Girls Club, we don't always fight with each other. There are some girls who have never ever had a fight with their girl friend because unlike family, you can choose your friends so why choose people you hate? You can have a lot of guy friends, sure, but most girls have at least 1 or 2 girls they're close with. There's a reason she has no girl friends. And it's probably because her "guy friends" used to be her girl friends boyfriends.
12. Her longest, most loving, relationship ever has been with....her dog. It's the only thing that has been constant in her life. Her dog is also untrained, does it's own thing, and goes ballistic when it doesn't get its way. I hear dogs are reflections of their owners so....
You can't complain if you keep choosing crazy girls. Sometimes, we make a mistake. Some people are really, really good at hiding their crazy. But if you look at the pictures on this post, these girls all have the same thing. They may have different colored eyes but there is a twinkle in them. That little twinkle that says "if you break up with me, I will burn all your shit." Boys, look for that twinkle. It really is there.
One thing I can't wrap my head around is when guys get back with exes who were labeled "crazy". They are not a tattoo or a time when you gave birth to a living thing. They are not pain that is momentary and situational that you forget about over time. Because we always swear we're never getting another tattoo but then do it again and scream "this is the worst idea ever!" Because humans don't really change so yes, it really IS the worst idea ever if that girl falls into any of the above categories. And no, the sex really WASN'T that great. There are sane girls who can do the same moves, we read the same Cosmo articles. Also, when a guy claims all his exes were crazy, the first thing we think about (if you aren't indeed crazy eyed) is, "when we break up, will he be telling his friends that same thing about me?" Men, don't do that. Don't say all your exes were crazy. Say: "I chose to date a lot of crazy girls and I don't wanna do that anymore which is why I'm with you, honey. Because you're fucking awesome". But only if it's true---because if you lie to us we will know. And we will burn your shit to the ground.
I know I'm picking on the girls right now but there are also guys who you want to avoid. That will be another blog post entirely for the ladies....stay tuned.
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