September 26th is a significant day. Maybe not to you, but I always remember it. I think over time as you age, you acquire a bunch of dates that have a special meaning to you. Sometimes they're good memories, like the day of your first kiss or first date, and sometimes they're less joyful, like the day of a death or the day someone you cared about broke your heart. I sometimes feel that I'm going to eventually fill every date with a little memory and no longer be able to wake up to "just another day". I like associations though. It makes you remember, even when you'd like to forget.
Today's the day my grandfather died. It wasn't that we were particularly close but it's a day I remember. Because he was the first person in our family to die. It's like he started a chain reaction because people have been dropping like flies ever since. He was my first wake and my first funeral. He died from cancer. Colon cancer that spread to his liver. I was in high school. I think by the time I graduated we had done a full tour of the Manhattan and Bronx hospitals. The man who drove a taxi and smoke and drank in the Greek cafes of Astoria, wasted away and died in a year. The man who was like the Greek Godfather (minus the cocaine). The man who loved watching John Wayne movies while drinking cans of beer and brought us a bag filled with chocolate whenever he came to visit. That's the guy I saw waste away to 100 lbs and die. It's sad, but it's life.
I don't come from the type of family that talks about their feelings and is very lovey dovey. It's just not who we are. And we never really talked about it, not that any of us would of if it was brought up anyway. It's something that happened. And everyone dealt with it differently. I don't really talk about it. I guess now I do via this post but I'm not good at talking about how I feel. I think it's a good time though. It's been 9 years. And every year gets easier. It's not so much that you forget, but you let go a bit. You don't clutch the memory as tightly as you once did. The first few years, I would wake up and knew it was going to be a bad day. I wanted to be left alone and loved the years the 26th would fall on a weekend when I could sleep and didn't have to go to work and see anyone. As the years have passed, I've filled the date with happier memories and less sulking.
Just as with anything, all you need is time. At first you're angry and then you're sad and then you try to sear the old memories into your brain in an attempt to remember them forever and then the feelings eventually fade away and it becomes just a memory. And when shitty things happen, I try to remember that I am not the first person this has happened to, nor will I be the last. There are other people who have felt like this and been through the same things. If only we were better at sharing then we would know that people truly understand. Maybe we could walk around with little bios of ourselves that we pass to the people we meet. That way we could know who has been through the same things we have. We could cope with things better and be able to commiserate. I try sometimes when I see that other people are going through things I've already experienced. I try to help them, but it's still hard to talk about, since I am not a talker of feelings. But everything happens for a reason, and people have to go through things at a certain time in their life for a reason. The lessons you learn, help you throughout life. They build on each other without you even knowing. And then one day you get IT. You just see what you've been missing all along. Because when things are right in front of your face you usually can't see them. It's like when your parents told you not to do something and said "I'm older than you and I've been through the same thing. I'm telling you not to do it" and you don't listen because you figure they have no idea what life is like now and they could never understand. And then you grow up and realize that you were pretty dumb back then and wonder how it is that you managed to cross the street on your own.
These last few weeks, I've finally had time to review the last year of my life and, I'm not so sure I understand IT totally, but I think I'm getting there. In the meantime, in honor of my grandfather, I'm gonna watch some tv and drink a can of beer. You should do the same.
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