(Un)Match.com Part 2

The following messages will help enlighten those of you who have never had the pleasure of going on an internet dating site and may just make you feel sympathetic to those of us who have to do it. It's hard out here for a pimp....

“hello pretty lady….I look forward to hearing from your pretty eyes”--- I don’t know about you, Mr. Chaos, but I talk with my mouth and type with my fingers so the odds of you hearing anything from my eyes are slim to none.


“hello sexy”…..will never ever ,ever get me to message you back. Especially when you didn’t read what I was looking for and your whole being doesn’t hit any of the marks.


“what is your favorite bored game to play?”---- Bored game? Reading this message right now

This guy who wasn’t much of a looker himself stated in the beginning of his profile “if you do not have pictures do not contact me"....that can’t be the reason he’s 39 and still single right? At least he said I was adorable so I guess I’m in if nothing else works out.


This guys tag line was “catch me if you can”. In his message he said he wanted to talk...um, that’s if I can catch him, right?


I knew this was gonna be a doozy by the message subject “good morning babe”.
Don’t fucking call a stranger babe. Most people who I LIKE haven’t called me babe. And then the message was this nonsense…..”Your the shit your so fucking awesome I can give you what you have been missing all your life it's happiness fun love stability protection caring honesty passion fill night to be treated like a classy lady your hole life for reals”.
1. It is YOU’RE. 2. You have no idea if I’m fucking awesome. I could be fucking crazy. 3. I’m pretty sure anything you can muster up to give a person, I wouldn’t want if we were the last people on this earth. 4. Don’t worry about the ‘hole’ in my life. I can fill it myself.


Do not ever start your profile with “hello ladies”….ew, ew, ew. No thank you.

This guy: “I would You Like To Know You if You Not Mind”……Yoda? Is that you??

This guy began his message with “..I’m exactly who you are looking for…” I did not feel the need to continue reading after that.

My cut off age is 34…please don’t contact me when you’re 45. When you say I’m a pretty girl, I think of a father saying that to a daughter. Which is close because you’re almost my dads age…

Not all are bad. This guys message was really nice and said “I’m sure you get a million emails but I’m keeping my fingers crossed that you write me back”. Aw, no darling, not a million by any means but some, and mostly really creepy. I wanted to be nice and write back but I wasn’t interested so I didn’t want him to get his hopes up. I hate when girls act like that.


Despite me listing that I’m only interested in Caucasians, Match seems to send me a lot of “matches” who are Black, Asian and Hispanic. Why did you ask me if you don’t seem to give a crap about what I want, Match.com? Isn’t it bad enough that I get messages from the middle aged and large black men who think I’m sexy, but you’re going to then say “here are you’re 8 matches for the day….and 6 of them are black so you’re going to mark that little X and then we’re going to send you some more tomorrow so we can play this game all over again.” Match.com then had the audacity to say to me “seems like you’re getting a lot of messages from men who don’t fit your description. Do you want us to filter that for you?”….Um, YES! That is why I paid you! You’re like the man you’re trying to set me up with….someone who doesn’t listen to me!

And lastly, what I learned on my journey through the treacherous waters that is Match.com:
PROFILE NAMES ARE VERY IMPORTANT!!

jerkstorereject (don't tell me you're a jerk from the start! Let me find that out about 3 months after we start dating)
downtoearthguy99 (probably very far from it)
50shadesof… (I didn’t click to continue what the rest of that was)
Princedannyyo (more like princedannyNO)
funnyjew4u (actually one of my favorite names!)
melancholy...(never ever start a profile name with that. Or Emo. Or Sad. Or Desperate. Or suicidal.)


Thank you for taking this journey with me readers, and lets hope that I never have to do this again!!

Match.com Part 1

A couple months ago I decided to sign up for Match.com. Us single girls always talk about it, and some have even unsuccessfully been on multiple times, but I've never actually heard of a happily ever after story like they show on the commercial. I decided though that I was going to officially do it to at least say I tried. I created my profile but was pained by the thought of paying $50 to MAYBE get one date. Lucky for me, a friend told me about a Groupon deal: one month subscription for $15! How could I say no!!

The way it works is you create a profile and can view other profiles but, unless you sign up and pay, you can't see any of your messages or what guys winked at you or liked your photos. I paid for the month and discovered that I had 30 messages! And they were all what I'd thought they were gonna be....garbage.

I had tried this years ago with OKCupid which was free. All the messages were the same: inappropriate and from men I had no interest in. Apparently the demographic who find me attractive are large black men and older men who look like my father. None of those descriptions fit what I listed I was looking for. You would think that these sites would filter them better for you.

Most of the profiles are the generic crap of "I'm a funny guy who loves his family and is looking for an amazing girl he can spend the rest of his life with"....aren't we all?? Once you actually rifle through the 1,000+ profiles, you message someone and hope he responds or he messages you and you meet him and hope he slightly resembles his profile pics and isn't just looking to have sex with you. It's the same for guys looking for girls too, I know it. You meet the girl and she's 8 years older than any of her pictures and 30 pounds heavier. I get it. Everyone lies. And someone recently said that to me, 'yeah I put the generic stuff on cuz it's what everyone does. No one really thinks they're gonna meet someone serious'.... Um, so then what are we all doing if no one takes it seriously? And for those who actually are trying, it makes it extremely difficult to weed out who is for real and who 'maybe wants and is ready for a relationship right now...or in the future...or ever'.


After reading the first few emails I realized this effort was going to be fruitless but at least I was going to have some entertaining blog material. Lucky for me, God didn't make me suffer through this nonsense and actually sent me a real live person the week I signed up for Match. Funny the way the world works.


The next post will introduce you to all the things men think are acceptable to say to strange women....

Secret Messages

There's a secret message tab on Facebook. My friend told me about it recently. Apparently if you go under 'messages' there is a tab in grey on the top that says 'other'. When you click it you're transported to another world--a world where random people message you. I was already perplexed as to the things some people do on Facebook but this was a whole new level of scary. Go on, check the tab right now. You'll find some span messages but also messages from men starting like this…

“Hello….you are a very beauty woman” (no ‘beauty’ was not a typo I made)
“If I ever saw an angel, it was in your eyes…”
“Hey! This is totally random but I just wanted to say what’s up?” (it is random. And what is up, is that there’s a stranger asking how I’m doing)


This isn't Match.com. Stop being a creepy creep and pay the fee if you're looking for someone to date. Girls will never ever see one of those messages and say, "hmmm, this stranger thinks I'm hot and he's not bad looking so sure, let's meet up". Never ever. Because it's creepy that you've looked at our profile and tried to see pictures and you don't know us. Thanks for thinking that we're attractive but it skeeves us to think you're looking at our picture for other reasons too. Also, don't friend people who you've never met before or friends of friends. The girls who accept those kinds of requests either need/enjoy attention from random men or feel bad blowing your request off if you have a mutual friend. Men, we know who you've become 'friends' with them merely to get to look at their bikini selfies. It's gross. We're too old to be doing that and that's why they created Google search---so you can look at random girls pictures without anyone knowing you're creepy.


Thinking about it, I realized that I may have some male friends who do that. If I find out that any of you have been sending messages to random girls I will immediately defriend you. And I HATE defriending but I will do it. It's sad and pathetic, and even more sad when it's girls who are under the age of 21....that now makes you creepy but also is going to solidify your future role as the creepy lonely 40 year old who hits on high schoolers. That's not a good look.


Here is a list of things men shouldn't do in cyber space

My Top 5 things:
1. FRIEND HER AFTER BARELY MEETING HER
2. asK her how she's been...the last time you saw her was the last day of high school...
3. 'like' old pictures (wow, you went through all 1100 pics I was tagged in? that means you've been staring at my face for over an hour...)
4. 'like' her bikini selfie
5. drunk chat with her....just cuz we're on the same time doesn't mean it's a good idea to talk

Here's a complete article of the 25 worst ways to hit on women on social media. I couldn't have written it better myself:
http://www.complex.com/tech/2013/05/the-25-worst-ways-to-hit-on-women-on-social-media/

You Should Care For Those Who Actually Care

The other day someone said to me as I was being sassy that I should "be nicer to those of us who actually give a shit about you and put up with your crazy". They were joking but we all know that 50% of what people say when they're joking is actually true so....

I started thinking that it may have some merit to it. It's not that I'm walking around being an asshole to people but we all don't just go around saying "I appreciate that" and "thank you so much for thinking about me", etc. We know who's there's for us (or at least should know) but because they're always around we tend to take the little things for granted. You can snap at them and they don't get offended, if you're short they'll pay for your happy hour drinks and not expect repayment, they can see when you need some space and give it to you but will always answer the phone when you call. They do all these little things that show they care without reminding you constantly that they do in fact care, so it's easy to forget to acknowledge it.

We all do that--there's at least one person who puts up with our shitty attitudes and may even huff and puff about it and have to tell you sometimes "you're being a dick" but they're not going to walk away from you. When I think about it, it's nice to know that for about 98% of the population, they are that someone who doesn't walk away but is also someone who takes another for granted. It's a nice little circle of 'pay it forward' which makes me feel better about the world, although we sometimes fixate on the people who we would like to care about us and neglect the persons who are actually right in front of us. Is there a point you say 'no more' and walk away, or do you stick it out even if it's one sided and know that you probably do that to someone else?

I need to start being more conscious of that--- when people have seen you at your worst and still want to know you, those are the people you should want to keep around. Not everyone will put up with your shitty attitude (and yes, we all are shitty at some point) and it's interesting to find that one difficult person is another persons gem and in turn, that first person may put up with someone else's shittiness. I love that it's all give and take and we don't even realize it.

Are You My Mommy?

I've always wanted to have kids; mainly boys because, I don't know if you know, but girls are kind of dramatic. I do expect that the Fates that Be will play another joke on me (as they've been doing all my life) and bless me with ALL girls. I'm ready for that. I also realize that I am not ready in the slightest for kids right now!

As you approach thirty, there's always pressure as a woman to start having kids because biology tells us that our precious eggs have an expiry date and that our boobs are not getting any higher and our face isn't getting any smoother. And even if we don't have family nagging us with the incessant and intrusive "when are you gonna have kids and get married?!", there's always that unspoken pressure to compare ourselves to everyone else. This especially occurs when all your friends start disappearing because they're dealing with flower arrangements and Yo Gabba Gabba and it's hard to not feel left behind.

Having to deal with a child 5 days a week for the last 7 months has made me realize that I'm ok with not having kids any time soon! As cute as they are and as much as I love snuggling with a freshly washed baby wrapped in a towel, I'm ok not having someone else dictate when I wake up, when I can go out, and taking hours off of my sleepy time. I don't care about homework (which any parent will tell you is torturous), or scheduling play dates ( I had to make small talk with a parent as she crushed up and drank a bunch of pills for her "back pain". I don't think Valium and Percocet are supposed to go together but I'm no doctor...), or making nice with other parents when I think their child is a undisciplined monster. I don't care about what TV show you want to watch or have to console someone else after a tantrum because, honestly, I'm not done having my own tantrums.

You've all heard before how I'm a believer that everything happens for a reason. This family found me when I was at my wits end after my rent went up, and I couldn't find another better paying job, and I could barely afford to buy myself a slice of pizza, but I also think that I needed them to help calm that little nagging voice that popped up in my head every once in a while when I felt I wasn't where I should be compared to all my other friends.

I sometimes find myself at 7:30pm, on my way home from the kid, sniffing people on the crowded train. Why you ask? Because they have the faint smell of a dank bar and alcohol on their breath---the way one smells after a successful after work happy hour. I used to smell like that, I used to smile on the train too. I can't wait to smell like that again soon.

Fart You Very Much

When is it acceptable to fart? That is the question of the hour. More importantly, when is it acceptable to fart in a relationship? My very serious research shows that most people aren't really bothered by farting. Most women feel that they don't go around farting in front of their significant other but if it slips then "oh well!" we ignore and continue with what we're doing. It was interesting to find that some married women still hide it (i.e. they excuse themselves to another room to do it) but I do understand wanting to maintain a little mystery in the relationship so I’m down for that.


For men, it was split--Half didn't care if women did it and the other half thought it wasn't acceptable, but for the majority of the latter, they also felt like it wasn't acceptable for either party to do it. When one man was asked "when IS it acceptable for a woman to fart?", he responded "childbirth". Smart man. I mean, HE did put her in that situation.


What was interesting was that those who openly farted with family while growing up were more open to farting early in relationships, and even if they weren't exposed to family flatulence, 98% of those surveyed could name one family member who was the resident farter including a mom, aunt, grandma, and uncle. Usually without hesitation.


Personally, I think those things should be done in private. I was told by a guy that I "wasn't allowed to fart ever because it's a big turn off" but that HE was allowed to do it. The first thing I wanted to do after he said that was fart, and if I could do it on command, I probably would've because who doesn't want to do something they're forbidden from doing?

Also, I still don't know why guys find it so funny to fart in the car with the windows up. And no one else really knew either. Maybe someone can explain that to me. Except the men who said that no one should go around farting also did not appreciate when their friends did it either.

Anyway, I hope this research was enlightening for you and a big fart you to everyone who participated in this very serious and extensive research.

Would You Kiss Your Mother With That Mouth?

Here's some scenarios for you....

Boy gets girls number, makes a date, cancels the date the day before and never reschedules. A few months later, hits on same girl at bar forgetting he already blew her off. Then retakes her number. And blows her off again.

Guy passes napkin down the bar that said "are you from Tennessee because you're the only ten I see" then wrote "put response here:

The drunk man on a Thursday who told me to "get off my pedestal" after he invaded our table, spilled beer in the chicken fingers, and I told him to go away because we didn't want to be friends with him (he then found a girl at the bar and within 15 minutes had his hand down her pants. Some girls condone that behavior I guess)

Says "Can I see your boobs?"

Says “you have really nice legs. What time do they open?”

Man breaks up with girlfriend out of the blue. While she's in the shower.

The man with a girlfriend who told someone he worked with that he watches her on the cameras as she works. And got her phone number from the employee database. That’s not creepy at all…

Man goes behind girls on dancefloor and grinds on them without asking if they actually want him invading their personal space

The married man who sends another employee messages filled with LOL's and asks when they're going on a lunch date....frequently and often on her personal phone.



These men all have mothers. And some have sisters, and some may even have daughters one day. Their constant thought should be "what would I do to the man who treated my sister like that?" The answer to that, in most cases, would be "I'd kill him!" You can usually easily tell which man has a mother/sister, and who respects them, which is the key to all this I suppose. If they don't respect the women who they grew up with, how would they magically learn how to respect any woman who they have to deal with later on in life?

The worst is the only child. Not only do they usually have deficient social and interpersonal skills due to constant solo play and mostly adult interactions, but they also lack the understanding of the opposite sex and the need to 'protect them'. Because, in essence, that is what we're talking about: protecting their being, protecting their feelings, being able to share, being able to compromise, and the ability to tolerate constant companionship. I made my sister cry when we were younger but I also shielded her from being hurt and protected her when someone bothered her, same for my brother. I like being alone but I constantly had someone in my room and all up in my stuff. Those are things you learn to deal with. Those are things you learn to do naturally so it's pretty unnatural when you're an only child and used to being on your own. I always wished I had an overprotected older brother instead I'm the oldest and there's no one to protect me but myself. Sigh.

I digressed a bit but will bring it back to the interactions between men and women. For those who aren't only children, the idea of being respectful, and aware of how they're interacting with the opposite sex, should return to their families: monkey see, monkey do. It always fascinates me how people respond to their environment and how they channel what they see into how they act. What habits do we pick up and what habits do we avoid?

If you grow up in a violent household where they're constant yelling and fighting, you respond one of two ways: you grow up and continue with the violence because that's what you learned and know OR you become the opposite and avoid confrontation and always try to be calm, consciously trying to avoid becoming what you've witnessed and aware that it isn't correct behavior.

When you grow up not ever knowing or seeing a functioning and loving relationship you: continue having crappy relationships and the bad choices you make continue to sabotage your chance of ever being happy OR you pin point all the mistakes others have made and you try your hardest not to become what you see/know.

But you have to first be aware that it's affected you to begin with. That's the tricky part. It's a combination of environment and personality and interactions which lead to how we behave and make the life choices we do. Most people can change, if they want to. And on very few occasions, they're just an asshole who hates their mother and who wants to put his hand down your pants at a bar on a Thursday night.