If You Can't Find The Drunk In The Bar, It's Probably You!

This is my advise for today: If you look around at a bar late at night and cannot find the token drunk of the bar, it is probably you, my friend. And you should probably be heading home.


After a much too long hibernation these last few months, I finally went out for a doubleheader this weekend--consecutive Friday and Saturday nights. And what a weekend it was. On Saturday night I travelled to the far away land known as Brooklyn. I prayed that the MTA wouldn't open the L train so that the birthday party would be relocated to a better borough (ehem, Manahattan...) but alas, to Brooklyn we went.

The place was jammed packed and it was difficult to get to the bar, let alone any kind of prompt service. After finally getting my Pumpkin Ale, I looked around and observed the natives. A giant hodgepodge of actual hipsters, pretend hipsters, sassy gays, and 2 out of place Bronx girls. An hour or two later, around midnight, when I was settled at the bar in deep conversation, a man asked if he could squeeze in to get to the counter. I thought nothing of it and figured he needed to close out. He didn't. He just wanted to settle in between me and my friend to drink his cocktail while practically sitting on my lap.

After about 2 minutes, we realized that he wasn't leaving and that he had a vacant gaze while he looked around the bar. It was the token drunk of the night! 5 minutes later, we realized that he would periodically nod off while standing and then wake to look at me with his drunken glazy eyes. The bartender quickly realized that he was the Token and offered apologetic complimentary Jameson shots for the group.

I wondered this, where were his friends? Why did he think that another drink was appropriate? And, does he know?

I wanted to ask him if he knew he was the token drunk and how sad it was to be standing alone because your friends left you for being an embarassing appendage while they tried to hit on girls. But of course he wouldn't have been able to answer, or comprehend or remember the conversation the next day. I have been to enough bars at all sorts of hours of the day to be able to spot the Token. It's the guy who thinks he knows his limit, but always seems to go beyond it into the black abyss of darkened hangovers. He doesn't know where he is, let alone how to get home, and it never occured to him to stop. Because maybe he's sad. Or maybe his boss yelled at him and he's getting evicted from his apartment and he doesn't know how to deal with things.

There's a sad pathetic-ness to the Token. I want to spit on him and hug him all at the same time. Because no one should have to drink that much just so they could have a way to escape from the world. Or maybe, I just have a soft spot for that far away glazy eyed look because I have seen it up close and have felt sad for those eyes and the person hiding behind them.

On Saturday though, I just laughed and realized he wasn't my problem. I had my own problem: figure out the quickest way out of Brooklyn!

You Gotta Have A Plan...For The Zombies

Zombie Apocalyse. It's happening. One of these days. But when it does, I'll be prepared. I have a plan or at least a basis for a plan. I mean, how well can you plan for the unexpected. We don't know how or when it's going to begin. Will it begin in Asia? In America? In NY? In Florida? We don't know but we should have a plan!

There are the facts:

1. You get as far away from densely populated areas as fast as you can. 8.2 million people in NYC. 8.2 million ways to get dead.

2. You gather a group of useful and able people. Defending yourself, hunting, cooking, carrying equipment is a lot of work for one person. You should probably make a group on your phone so you can speed dial them when the outbreak occurs
a. these are the following people/professions that should tag along:
- doctor
- cop
- construction worker
- a fast runner
- people that don't frazzle easily
- someone who owns a cabin, farmhouse, or lakehouse in the countryside.
Preferably with lots of land, a fence, on high ground.
(this is optional. We could always just take it from someone)
- someone slow or physically disabled. For bait. (don't judge me.)

3. You gather supplies. Not 3 months from now when the world is in shambles and the undead are running around and the unaffected are killing each other because our civilzation doesn't know how to handle ourselves in a crisis. Right NOW! I never understand why the people in these zombie movies and shows wait until the last minute to start moving. The SECOND I catch wind of an outbreak, I'm out of here! I'm going to the grocery store, the bank (to take out all my money--zombie bank tellers are no help when you want to make a withdrawl), Home Depot, a place that sells weapons, and Target. There is no, "lets wait a while and see if it goes away". pfft, people.

4. There is a clear understanding that there are no emotional attachements to anyone. If you're coming with me, you better know that if you are bit, scratched, or get some zombie juice in your eye, I will kill you. Even if you are my sister. You're putting the group in danger. Go quietly to the light. I'm sure we'll meet you there soon enough


I think about what would happen in a disaster a lot. Not just zombies, but tsunamis, earthquakes, hurricanes, etc.. I love watching disaster movies because it makes me realize that I don't know how to do anything. We're so sheltered as a civilization, in the cities especially. These are the following things I plan to do in the next year so that I am better prepared for life:

1. learn how to shoot a gun properly. All guns.

2. learn to shoot a bow and arrow (silent zombie killers. Gunshots=only last resort)

3. learn to fight. Hand to hand combat. If anyone knows of an underground fight club please let me know. I figure you have to be in it to learn properly.

4. learn how to build a fire


Be prepared, stay alive.
And to those of you who have made the cut for my group, you will be contacted soon to work out the details.

I'm Officially Too Old And Without A Story To Tell

Since I moved back to the Bronx, the nights I have spent out in the City has greatly diminished. I used to go out at least 1-2 nights a week. Now, I'm lucky if I leave my couch 1 night out of a 2 week period. And usually I'm home by 11pm when I do go out. Aging has made me tired.

I miss the city so much though--Even more so when I finally do manage to get myself off my couch. But the thought of having to ride the 6 train back home for an hour makes me want to hurt myself. I miss the 15 minute cab ride home. Going out in the Bronx is ok, but it's not the same. Our choices here are limited.

I was on the UES this past Saturday. I left around 1 am and while walking to the train, I passed by all the bars on 2nd and 3rd avenue. And I realized something: I didn't actually miss going to bars. I just shook my head as I passed the group of young twenty-somethings yelling and screaming down the block. I scoffed as I watched 2 drunk girls trying to get each other into a cab, each of them hoping the other knows where they live. I rolled my eyes I as saw some dude try to bring home the silly little girl he just met that night.

I don't miss that. But, as I was halfway to the train and waiting for the light to change I looked at all the cabs passing me by and just wanted to cry. It was 1:30am, I was tired and I wasn't even halfway home. I finally made it to the train platform to discover that the train had just left and I had another 10 minutes. As I waited, I looked around and noticed that among the garbage on the platform, there was a bunch of red stuff on the floor by the bench. Looking closer and putting it together was some soiled bounty towels that was on the bench, I realized it was blood. I wrinkled my nose, shook my head, took a picture and logged it into the memory bank.

Because I realized this: I don't have any more good stories. I thought about this while sitting on the train for 40 minutes. I've blogged less this year than ever before and I realized, it was a cycle. I don't go out, I don't see people and things, I have nothing to say, I don't blog, I watch a lot of Netflix, I go to bed. Yes, the city is dirty and noisy and there's lots of stupid people, but I had stories at least. When I'm older and tied down with kids and a husband (or two), I'm not really going to have stories. NOW is the time to be a part of the stories. So, for the next few months, before it gets way too cold to leave the house, I resolve to go out, meet new people, and find some stories. My couch will be there; I can spare a night or two out a week. It's not even that comfortable,anyway.


This is the only story I have:

Top 10 Reasons For Having A Boyfriend

Bugs. I hate bugs. But when the occasion arises and I come face to face with one, I kill it (or at least try to while squealing). And every time I think, "god, if I only have a boyfriend I would make him kill it".

I have found during my single days that there is nothing that I cannot get through or handle. We never really NEED anyone else, we WANT someone else. And that's fine because it's nice having a companion to share things with or to do things with. Although some people get a bit too attached to the other person and you never see them again (ehem...).

So, while I was chasing and killing my last bug, I realized that bug killing was definitely on the list of pro-reasons for getting a boyfriend. I randomly listed it as #9 but I was curious to find out with that other numbers were. So, here is my list of reasons to get a boyfriend (in order of importance....I think...):

1. someone who will have sex with you even when you're not all dressed up---it's hard out there for a pimp! And it's really hard to try to look good all the time (first world problems, I know)

2. someone to cuddle with and watch a movie---there are only so many more pillows I can buy for my couch

3. someone to make and share a dinner with---"oh, look at the fabulous meal I just made!" I said to noone....

4. someone to do activities with--everything is better when there's two. Bowling, movie watching, hiking, wing eating, etc.

5. someone to kill all the bugs!!!!!!!

6. someone who you don't have to pay to build all the new Ikea furniture, or change the lightbulb or figure out how to connect the tv to the Super Nintendo, etc.

7. someone to pay for your dinner and/or drinks at least half the time---NYC is expensive! I'm not asking for lobster every night, but if he buys me a burger every once in a while, I would be a happy girl

8. A steady date for all occasions!

9. someone who shares your interests--it's kind of like #4 but I can't really call up Christina and say "yo! Jeopardy's on in 10 minutes wanna come over?!" and she also really doesn't care that the Doctor Who season just started or that The Avengers 2 will be out in 2015....

and finally....

10. someone to cuddle with. period. ----my pillow pet is so sick of me right now!


So there you have it. I don't ask for much. Just 10 little things. For now I will just continue to do these things by myself, for myself and to myself :-)


P.S. while Google searching "reasons to get a boyfriend" in order to see what others are saying, I was confronted with just the opposite. Apparently there are way more reasons to NOT get a boyfriend. Listed third from the top was this little article---"20 reasons you DON'T have a boyfriend" (I am only guilty of 2..3 at the most. Lets see if you can figure out which ones)

http://www.hookingupsmart.com/2009/09/28/relationshipstrategies/20-reasons-you-dont-have-a-boyfriend/

I Don't Know If You Know The Alexandris Sisters But We're Kind Of A Big Deal

Siblings. If you asked me 15 years ago what I thought of that I would've said "eh. so annoying. I wish I was an only child." Just another example of how I don't know a goddamn thing! Me as an only child would've been a disaster. I already have some bad only child traits, can you imagine if I had them all!? Shambles.

Now, as I am older and wiser, I can tell you that having siblings is great. It's never a dull moment. It took a long time for my sister and I to get along. Like, two decades long. It's nice having someone know what your face means without you even having to say anything (and if anyone knows us, they know we have a plethora of different faces) and that's something you learn when you've known someone for 2 1/2 decades--which is a crazy amount of time when you actually think about it.

There are no other two like the Alexandris sisters. Lucy and Ethel don't compare, nor do Thelma and Louise or Snookie and JWoww. To prove this point I propose this: give us our own reality tv show. Think about it, if we have the means to entertain the masses merely through facebook postings and textual conversations, imagine what we could achieve live on your tv screen!! We say and do some pretty hysterical shit and people are constantly telling us how entertaining we are. I don't mean to toot our own horns but BOOP BOOP, I am (and yes, that is what my horn sounds like).

I need someone to tell me how this can be done. I feel like I should start a petition or a facebook page and aim to get over a million 'likes'. Maybe then, MTV will give us our own show. I'll even consider E!, Bravo or really anyone who will have us. And the way to do it is this: one season. That's it. You can't overdo it, you have to leave the public wanting more. It has to be real. That's where they went wrong with the Jersesy Shore. First season, great--there wasn't anything else like it and 95% of it was actual stupid people being stupid. By season 3, you could see how scripted and methodical they were in their shenanigans--they had to think of reputation and endorsements and all that other nonesense. Not us. One season. That is all. And maybe a perfume line. But then that's it.


All the reality tv is insane. How do these people get their own show!? All those Housewives and Kardashians and Jerseylicious (I still don't know what that even is)...how did that happen? And why would people want to watch them over me? I just finished reading "Assholes Finish First" by Tucker Max. It literally is stories of his life which mostly focus on how wasted he got and describing his sexual encounters with hundreds of women. That's his second book!!! Who gave him 2 book deals AND a movie deal?! Why don't I know that person!? We can do what they do, and do it better. That is in fact, a guarantee.


Here are some examples of events and conversations that would've been on our show if we had had cameras following us:

--- The time we were stopped by Canadian borderpatrol because we were underage and traveling alone. When they called our mom she laughed at them and said things you do not say to border patrol at 11pm because she thought we were playing a joke on her

---the time I taught my sister about how the elderly have the highest rate on STD transmissions and all about unprotected sex in the nursing homes. You're welcome again

---The time we made waffles with ice cream, whipped cream and sprinkles and thought it was an appropriate meal to play classical music to while sitting at the dining room table, talking in English accents and discussing the upcoming makebelieve ball the neighbors were going to have

---The time we discussed how I could apply for a job at an escort service and what special skills would be included on my resume

---The time we made a complete outfit using just the tissue paper from the twins birthday gifts

--The time we stole all my brothers christmas presents and replaced them with coal



And those are only the things I remember while typing this. That's some amazing material if you ask me.....

The Alchemist

I just finished reading The Alchemist. It's a book about wisdom and realizing your destiny and learning how to be in tune to the things around you, which goes hand in hand with my previous post. On a quest in search of treasure, the shepard boy learns a great deal while traveling until he is finally brought back to the place where he began. His treasure was right under his nose the whole time but in order to see it properly, he first had to go away until he was ready to see it and understand it better.

This book reminded me a lot of The Little Prince, both which are in my top 5 favorite books of all time. I learn something new every time I read them. The problem with stories and movies, I realized, is that they don't properly depict time. Everything is sped up and I now realize that the abundance of books I have read have greatly deterred me from being able to understand and accept the patience of Time. Things that happen over a span of months or years, happen in the time it takes for me to read through it--a little too quickly and a little too unrealistically.

Both mentioned books are short but take place over a long period of time. In my world, they only last a few days and then the journey has ended and everyone is happier and wiser---well, everyone in the book, that is. What I should be doing is going at the pace of the book, at the real time, so I can better understand how these boys learn what they learn. In The Alchemist, the shepard stops in a town and decides to stay there for 3 months. Instead of reading it in 20 minutes, I should've stopped right there, put the book to the side and also lived 3 months with the knowledge that he works at a shop on a mountainside and I would know no more. Like the shepard, I would know of his past and present but not of his future. Then, time would not be rushed, it would be realistic and I would feel what it's like to not know what would happen next. Just like in my own life.

But unfortunately, I am a product of a society full of 'nows'. If you want something, you can get it instantly. There really isn't anything we have to wait for--we don't have to walk 10 miles before getting a drink of water, we don't really have to wait for a chicken to grown before we can eat it--we just drive to the market or turn on the faucet. I was just thinking about a package I was recently waiting for. It was supposed to be here within a week, but 2 weeks later, no package. I was agitated every day it wasn't here until I finally found out the delay was because they sorted it to the wrong post office. What would've become of me 200 years ago when I would've had to wait months to get something from across the U.S.?? I would've been a very angry frontierswoman.

These two traveling boys are my inspiration. They teach me to be more patient and to read the signs of the world. To know that you can't change the past nor the future but can only live in the now and be ready to recognize what it is you need to see. Everything happens for a reason and everything that happens is supposed to occur....

Time Wins Once Again

7 months ago I had a plan. I guess you could call it a resolution. It happened to fall at the start of the new year so lets call it a New Year's Resolution. I had a plan to be wiser. To be able to slow down and see what I don't see while rushing around my daily hectic life. That's why I wear a bracelet that says 'one day at a time'--yes, that is the AA motto but it also makes sense to someone like me who rushes 10 steps ahead instead of seeing what is happening NOW.

One of the things I did learn is that I don't know a thing. None of us really do. Every instance in time can be changed and altered by something else at a moment's notice. So, 7 months later as I think that I have become wiser and more aware, I fall 10 steps back to someone who is still unlearned. I realize my mistakes and how to do things differently but unfortunately old habits die hard and are hard to break.

I also learned that we have no control over any outcome. Time does though. Time and fate. I learned that where you think you're going is not usually where you end up. Things change and sometimes you see what's been in front of you all along. And yes, you should've seen it earlier because it was obvious as fuck, but Time knew you were not ready to see it yet. And that's one thing I haven't learned, one habit yet unbroken: Learning to have the patience for Time. Because Time takes time.

I don't make very many finalized decisions. I have to think it through until its old and withered and dead. I look at all the options, go through all the disasterous scenarios that could happen, gets people's opinions, compare all opinions, make a pro-con list, and when I'm ready then I make my decision. The problem with being so careful all the time is that sometimes it doesn't align with the rest of the universe. Sometimes I am too early, but more than often, I am too late. So I wait. But I'm not good with waiting because if I've made a decision that means I want it now (sometimes complete with foot stomping and pouting like a petulant child). And when I can't have it, I reflect and go over it all over again. So, the cycle continues. It's exhausting.

This realization has led me to know the only thing I do know now: I have not learned. I have not become wiser.

Without learning the patience for Time, then Time will always get the better of me. It will always win.

My New Home

I have a planet. Well, not yet but it is out there. We call it Nay-tash. It sits on Kepler 22b which is said to be a similar planet to Earth in another solar system. It's about 4 times bigger than our planet and has way more water but I think we can do it. When we're able to travel to it, which will take about 600 lightyears to get there, I'll be packed and ready to go. Of course, we'll have to freeze ourselves for part of the journey. I figure we'll make a few stops along the way though, stretch our legs, meet the neighbors and such.

Not everyone will be able to go. Sorry. There is a tight list. Of course, I will be ruler of planet Nay-tash. Duh. I already have a counsil with whom I meet and discuss various matters with pertaining to our new home. Nay-tash will be a place where we will all work together to build our community and everyone will be placed in occupations based on performance and desire. The lack of a degree will not matter on planet Nay-tash. If you do it well, you have the job. And all salaries will be equal. There will be no jails there. If you commit a crime, the counsil will decide if it is punishable. On that note: all crimes are punishable. Punishment will mean banishment. Probably to a remote place on the planet equivalent to the North Pole where you will be left to fend for yourself. We may set up cameras to watch you as you slowly perish. Harsh I guess, but a deterrant of criminal activity, don't you think?

I'm really hoping there's already a city built there. Kind of like on Stargate Atlantis. Just so that we don't have to start from scratch. Abandoned would be good but an already inhabited city could be dealt with. I rule under the 'you're either with me or against me' frame of mind so dealing with natives will be relatively easy.

I'm over this planet. It's become too complicated with its ever changing rules and technologies. I mean, Facebook alone has changed its profile pages at least 4 times in the last 5 years and if we've learned anything from that, it's that newer is not necessarily better. Planet Nay-tash will be kept simple: supplied with what is needed not with things that are wanted.

I'm really excited about our new venture. We have the plans and ideas now all we need is a spaceship and maybe a google map of directions to Kepler 22b. My birthday IS coming up....just putting it out there.....

Burning Bridges

I just saw an episode of The Big Bang Theory when Leonard begins to ask the other guys if they can hang out that night. As he goes around the room and everyone is saying that they're busy he gets to Raj who says "what? NOW you wanna hang out? Now that you and Penny broke up and you have no one to hang out with you and you're all alone...."

That scene reminded me of something I've recently taken note of. Anyone who knows me, knows that I am fascinated by humans. I love watching them interact and always try to figure out their behavior: Why do people do the things they do? Why do they think like that? What makes them tick?
One of my recent observations is this: why do people abandon their friends when they get into a new relationship and then assume they'll be right there waiting for them when they suddenly break up?
I've recently witnessed a few cases of friends disappearing. They get a boyfriend or girlfriend and all of a sudden you're saying "hey, long time no see." "Where have you been?" We've all been there, on both sides of it. And I know a new relationship is always new and exciting and you want to see the person as much as possible, but what happens after a year? What happens when you only hang out with your friends once every two months and punk out on plans made most of the other times? And you didn't do that before and everyone just drifts apart. And then, you break up. And you're sad. So you call your long lost friend and ask if they want to grab a drink and catch up. But they know. They know that you're feeling lonely and sad and that's the only reason you took the initiative to see them. And then the intentions are all confirmed when it happens once again, when you either get back together with your ex or you get a new boyfriend, and your disappearing act starts all over again.

And with anything, whether you steal, cheat, lie, scheme, or go back on your word time after time, it catches up with you. When you burn enough bridges, you eventually lose all ways to get to the other side, and you end up stuck and alone anyway. We sometimes have to remind ourselves about where our loyalties should lie instead of getting caught up in the shiny and new fleeting moments of things.

In the 5th season of The Wire, McNulty's girlfriend was trying to explain something to his self destructive demon. She said (and I'm paraphrasing): At your funeral, those fleeting people won't be there. The people you know from the bar won't be there. They'll ask about you a couple months from now and when they hear you're dead, they'll say 'thats a shame' and continue on. Most of your friends won't be there either. Because you burned some bridges. But, family WILL be there. The people who ACTUALLY care about you and about what happens to you, will be there. And maybe, if you're lucky a few of those longtime friends.

I think that's a good rule of thumb to keep things in perspective. Asking yourself, will this person who I'm so attached to right now, or this person who I chose to be with over someone who cared about me, will they be at my funeral? Will they care if they never see me again?

And sometimes it's all okay, and sometimes we find out that we made the wrong choice and have lost the best friend we've ever had.

Dreams

I love dreams. Messages from your subconscious, if you will (and if you believe Freud). Our fears, our hopes,our desires, all manifest in the dark as we sleep. And, sometimes you can recall them so vividly that they are remembered 20 years into the future. And, sometimes the second you wake up, you struggle to even recall the last image. I believe in dreams that foretell the future, premonitions. It happens some times.
I had a dream the other night. It was the weirdest thing. I went to a friends house because I felt like I had no other place to go. I get there to discover that he's adopted a little Asian girl. I'm left alone in his house and it isn't even the house he actually lives in (on a side note, I find it very funny how dreams can change small facts--you can be in a place but it's not the exact place or a person who is not the actual person you know. Funny what the mind comes up with). Well, in this house I felt like it was haunted. I felt an uneasiness. I walked over to the oven and lit it. It created a blast. I could feel it in my sleep. No fire, funny enough. Just a combustion. My friend returned home and we found ourselves outside on the sidewalk drinking champagne.
I woke up wondering what it meant. Was I haunted by something in my subconscious? Do I feel like I'm near something explosive? Champagne would signify a celebration of some sort so, have I survived my ghost?
The night after, I had another dream. This time I was performing. I was actually in the cast of Smash (that's a tv show about NYC musicals and the lives of everyone involved, fyi). I was performing with a mix of people from real life and the cast. I was off stage trying to to get into my next costume, but I put it on and realized that it was see through. I panicked that I couldn't go out of stage for everyone to see my underwear, so I started borrowing clothes. Once I think that it's fine, the outfit is see-through again. It was getting closer to my cue and I couldn't go on stage. Then at some point I was in a movie theatre. It was empty and the screen was blank. But there was a crate of chickens in front of it.
Now, chickens apparently symbolize cowardliness and a lack of will power. The only things I can gather from the other part is that I want to be in the spotlight but I'm so scared to let other people see right through me. I don't want to be vunerable. Maybe that's where the chickens come in.
I've been trying to figure out what I'm so scared of, what's haunting me, and what makes me so afraid to be exposed. I hope the third dream helps me out. We need an ending to this story.



Note: I did have a 3rd dream that night. Long story short, I was trying to get a babysitting job and when I got there the twins were frighteningly ugly and their mother was trying to get me to take care of them overnight for only $15 an hour! Apparently babies signify a new beginning. It didn't say anything about ugly babies. A not so good new beginning??

What does it all mean!?!?!

Learning To Drive

I'm about to cross something else off of my list of things to do for 2012...getting my license. It was on the list of things to do for the summer but has been pushed up since I just realized my permit was expiring after 4 years. So, crunch time. I have 5 weeks to learn how to properly drive and to pass the test. There is no room for failure. I've driven a few times with my sister about 1 1/2 years ago but she stopped letting me drive her car after a minor incident. I still think she blew it out of proportion though. I just wanted to get on the road and she was quizzing me about all this nonesense. In frustration the conversation went something like this: Maria: check the mirror. Me: ok. Maria: where's the signal? Me: here. Maria: What are the pedals? Me: God! It's gas and reverse ok?! Can we go! Maria: get out. So, it's been a while since I've been behind the wheel. My mom let me drive her car last week for the first time. I discovered a little quirk: I sing everything I do when driving. Songs such as "makin' a right turn, oh yeah. we're turning right, yeah" and "going slow over the bump...so slow like a turtle". It's my thing. Accept it. Last Thursday was my first lesson with an instructor. I was kind of amazing. I told him to give me a grade at the end. It was 100! what, what! And, I don't think he was just being nice. At some point he said "are you sure you haven't driven before?". I responded with "I play a lot of video games. So technically, I've been driving since I was 10 years old." June 5th is my road test. There is no room for failure. If I do fail, I have to renew my permit which means I have to take the written test over and pay for it again. That's not happening. But if for some reason they make me do it, I will pull a Sheldon and force them to just hand it over to me: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ibCck2iDOqA Getting things done for 2012....lets do this shit!

Lesson Learned

One year ago today I learned a lesson about humans, one that I already knew but apparently needed to be reminded of once again.

Humans are horrible to each other and capable of anything.

Even the ones who are not maliciously, evil, psychopathic murderers do things that are less than friendly to their fellow man. We are sometimes mean to strangers or friends, we hurt people we love and sometimes take for granted the people who love us. Time has shown that people are capable of doing many things, sometimes the things that are least expected of them.

But what I also learned, is that we are capable of handling anything and everything, as well. At times when I thought I could no longer endure what I had to handle, I pulled through. Even when you're hanging on to your last shred of hope and are crumbled on the ground you remember that there's only two ways you can go: it can either get worse and you can tumble further into the black abyss that has just opened up beneath you or the clouds disappear revealing a bright sun and then you pick yourself up and and everything begins to get better. You never know which way it will go so you just breathe and roll with it for a while until the smoke clears. Eventually, up is the only way you can go, so exhibiting some patience always works well.

Looking back I'm amazed at the things that have happened and the things I've bounced back from. We learn from everything that happens, even if sometimes it takes a while to brush all the dirt off your knees, but it happens. Eventually.

The dirt's almost completely wiped away, and although there's the occasional foggy day, I can still see through to the other side. The better side.

Stop And Take A Look

About 3-4 times a year, I make a point of walking around the city (mostly in Central Park) and taking pictures of what I see. I go out with a purpose and a question: What do I see? I'm sure to put away all distractions, so ipod and cell phone go in the bag and I arm myself with my camera.

This city is crazy. We rush around trying to get to our destinations and don't even take note of the things or people that whiz by us. You can tell the real New Yorkers by the way they don't even flinch when there's something out of the ordinary. There can be a clown on a ledge of a building, a cowboy dressed in his underwear playing the guitar, and a 6 foot rabbit all on the same corner and we won't even notice. We will notice, though, the group of tourists in front of us trying to get a picture of that nonsense who just slowed us down and will pass them with a grunt and an eye roll.

I hate that I don't see things in the city, I pass them. So, I make a point of SEEING. As I begin, I literally have to remind myself to slow down and look around and ask myself over and over, "okay, so what do you SEE." In the park I have no agenda. I meander. I go where the path takes me and every single time I cross something I didn't know existed. This time I ended up in Shakespeare's garden. I had no idea that was even there! And I've walked near it pretty much every time I've been in the park.

This year, I was hoping that we would get some snow since I don't have a winter collection of photos. I'm sure the desolate parts of the park look amazing snow covered. I'm also sure that we'll get snow in May with this whole global warming/the planet is angry at us thing that's been going on.

So, if you get a chance, slow down and look around. I'm pretty sure you'll see something you've been missing all along.



One of my top 5 places in the city

Lend A Helping Hand, Peeps

My goal for 2012 is all about getting out there, doing things I've always wanted to do, doing things that make me happy, and doing things to help others. We're off to a good start so far and helping others is next on the list.

I wanted to raise money for a cause and deliberated for a while on which one. There's the Aids Walk in May which is a pretty popular one and the Avon Walk for breast cancer in October which is equally famous. The men get Movember full of fun (and creepy) moustaches. So I decided to search around and choose one that was less well known--help the underdogs, you know.

So, I finally decided on The Unity Walk which helps raise money for Parkinson's disease research. The walk is held on April 28th this year and the fundraising has begun. I've known a few people affected by this disease and have read quite a bit about it, so it was a pretty easy decision to make having seen how it affects individuals and their families. As of right now, there is no cure for this disease which is a progressive disorder of the central nervous system and mainly affects movement (and yes, it is what Michael J. Fox has). There is medication that can treat it but we don't know what exactly causes it or how to get rid of it.

When I finally decided, I wanted to elicit some help and figured it would be a great project for our National Honors Society kids. I wasn't expecting much from them, maybe a bake sale or two. I mean, you can't really force people to care. But I was amazed by them after the first meeting. They were so excited to fundraise and kept coming up with ideas just short of selling each other (they actually DID want to auction each other off...true story). I left that meeting really excited that they were so excited and it lit a spark. We decided on having a concession stand for our musical performances this year and decided to make and sell our own custom made bracelets.

We're off to a good start so far. We've raised about $100 already with just the bracelets--and that's only by selling them to a small amount of people! I'm really excited to do this and attend the walk on April 28th. Our goal is to raise $500. I really hope we make it.

I invite anyone and everyone to join us. The more the merrier!
Visit us at the link below to join us or donate to our team...

http://unitywalk2012.kintera.org/teamrhs2012
or

http://unitywalk2012.kintera.org/natasha2012

Technology Helps Us Hang Onto The Past

Oh technology, so convenient yet so dangerous. Technology has made it easier to hold onto the past. We save numbers in our phones, can find a person by a click of a Google search,and see what someone is up to through their Facebook page without them even knowing. Our greatest invention of the last decade has been the iPod...and iPad...and iPhone. A convenience not a necessity. What happened to the days of inventing such things as electricity, the telephone and the automobile, the space shuttle? These things made our lives easier but also were somewhat of a necessity and advanced us as a civilization. Yes, you CAN do without all these things but they make a lot of every day tasks easier. What does the iPod do? Other than provide you with music. We don't NEED these new things, we WANT these things.

Our society loves things that make life easier. And one thing these new technologies provide, is a way to hold on tight to the past--to keep it in our pockets at all times. Before, we used to have to memorize someones phone number. And then we would have to actually call them. And, if we didn't have something worthwhile to say, breathing into the receiver was probably not the best idea. If we wanted to find out about an ex, we would have to actually find and ask mutual friends. But now, our phones and facebook does all this for us.

We get to hold on to the past and keep things and people at our beck and call just in case we need them. Just like we don't have to settle because there's always something shiny and new around the corner, we also don't have to let go because we have extra external memory space to hold all our past remembrances.

I received a text this week from a number I didn't have saved in my phone. Just someone asking me how I was. I asked them who they were since the number wasn't saved. He said David. Now, I wracked my brain trying to figure out what David since I usually don't give out my number to random people without having their number as well. So I asked him how we know each other. He responded with "I don't know". Now, here's the problem: he found my number in his phone and decided to text me without knowing how he knows me with hopes that I would tell him. Mistake number 1. Mistake number 2 was telling me that he doesn't know. Because now, it's obvious that he has probably run out of vaginas and thought Natasha looked exotic in his phone and decided to give it a whirl. I was 99% sure I knew what David he was, but I wasn't going to give into his schemes. So I called him out on it and questioned why he thought it was a good idea to text some number in his phone when he didn't actually know how he knew that person. He answered with an embarrassed apology and that was that.

Now, I kind of felt bad. Because he wasn't a bad guy, he had just fallen victim to typical societal lack of thinking before acting. It wasn't his fault, we all do it. We all hang onto things we shouldn't or have things that are of no use to us. My number was of no use to him for a year. Why was it to be used now? Because of the convenience having it offers.

I have always said that when this planet does implode (and it will), our species is ill equipped to survive any sort of catastrophic disaster. Once electricity, phones, Internet, and microwaves cease to operate, we will be sitting around looking at each other and cursing that we cannot Google how to properly build a fire.

Until that day comes though, we will just have to do with the every day disasters of random texts, drunk dials to exes of 10 years past and having to rely on the Internet to tell us what and how to do things at all times.

The New York City Elite...I am Not On The Guest List

A couple weeks ago Crazy and I went to dinner together. Fancy dinner. Restaurant week dinner. That's the only time we can afford those places--when there's a special.
I like going to see what all the fuss is about at these places and I usually try to pick the most expensive ones because you can't a beat $35 three-course meal...

So, I chose a fancy french restaurant in midtown. Jacket was required for men so you know they weren't playing around there. We get to the restaurant and I knew something was up the second my hand touched the doorknob. The dining room was bright and crowded and bustling. As we stood there trying to figure out who we were supposed to talk to about our reservation, there was this loud imaginary train break screeching that overtook the room as the music stopped and everyone turned around to look at the two vagabond who stood before them. We most definitely did not fit in at this place.

Aside from the fact that everyone was over the age of 35 and all the waiters were old french men, and there were no prices in the menu, it just felt so wrong. Now, I've been to fancy places before. I know how to put on my big girl dress and shoes and act like a lady. But this place was different. As we sat at our table I looked around and it hit me....this was old school New York. Old money people. It wasn't a trendy, dark, new fusion restaurant. It was a really expensive neighborhood establishment. These people looked like they've dined here since it opened! And they probably have. These are the people with money who have no problem forking over $60 for a meal three times a week. It's not a special occasion for them....it was just a Tuesday.

I realized while sitting there that we forget how many layers NYC has. Everything is so accessible to us all. Everyone rides the subway, everyone can walk into Tiffany's, everyone can get into the new hot club downtown. Everyone is important here because if you look the part and act the part, you can be the part (whether you have the funds to back that up or not). Everyone does there own thing in this city and there's always so much going on. But we forget that that elite group still exists. The group who has lived on this island for the last few decades and are true New Yorkers. The group that can afford to eat $60 meals several times a week, who have actual drivers, and do all their shopping at Bloomingdales. We forget that because we're so intermixed here--that lady could be sitting next to you on the 6 train! We don't have a "other side of town", there are no imaginary lines outlining the living space of the elite. We're all jumbled together.

Sitting in that restaurant was the first time I can remember that I felt out of place. I didn't belong there. It felt like a secret club that we stumbled upon where they all knew each other. And I realized that 1. we're all not as important as we think we are...there's always someone more important and 2. I could never be them. Not just because I don't have their money but because I don't want to have to carry on like that each day. Of course, I guess you get used to it but I like my H&M and I like the fact that sometimes I'm like, oh fuck I just paid my bills and I don't have any pocket money for the next two weeks. It feels real. The limits feel right. Because if we don't have limits, if there isn't a line somewhere, then we infinitely proceed and we eventually begin to only respond to "more". And sometimes the 'more' works out. Sometimes you never have to go down or back or think twice. You can just become super elite. But sometimes the 'more' gets less and your fancy carpet gets pulled from underneath you and you're left not knowing how the rest of the minions live and you can't relate and you eventually perish (I know, that's quite dark and foreboding...but it's worst case scenario so bear with me).

I don't want to live with infinite 'more'.....I just want to live.

I Don't Wanna Look Like That...

I recently found my high school yearbook and had a look through to reminisce about easier times. Not that it's much reminiscing though since I've worked in that building for almost 6 years now and see it almost every single day of my freaking life. But it was fun traveling down memory lane back when we thought our problems were the biggest ones we were going to ever face in life. Hah!

As I was looking through the staff photos I realized a few things:

1. There are students out there who look at my picture in their yearbook just as I'm looking at my old teachers. It's weird because I found myself either squealing "omg! Mr. so and so! I loved him!" or "ugh. she was so weird".....then I realized. Fuck. My students are doing the same thing. I'm either going to be the "awww! I love her!" or "ugh, what a bitch!". Scary.

2. A lot of my old teachers still work there. They're the same people just older versions of the people I used to know. Some remember me, some not so much. Which I always think is funny when I speak to them. I usually sit there and think "dude, you have no idea what I remember about you". There was that one teacher who remembered I was his student, hit on me at the local bar the first year I was there, and since then has forgotten who I am. I'm going to blame that on the old age thing, not that I'm not memorable....and not that I want him to remember me...gross creepy man!


The day after I looked at the yearbook, I saw these people in the halls. And it hit me. Not only have they aged because that's what happens after 9 years, but they look ragged. I started cringing as I passed them. It was like a horror movie. I realized that they looked like they were run through the mill (or two) a few times and they looked older than they actually were. They were all hunched over and shuffling down the hall with a sad half smile on their face as they said 'good morning'. Because that's what the NYC public school system will do to you. It will run you to the ground. These people look like they're hanging on by a thread. I could see it in their eyes "10 more years until I can retire..just hold on". I wanted to turn and run as far away from the building as I possibly could! That morning was scarier than any zombie apocalypse I can foresee in the future.

It's not just the NYCDOE though, it's any job you've been doing day in and day out for the last 30 years of your life. You get old, and tired, and broken and tired again because you're old. But it's worse when you're not doing what you love to do. When it becomes "just a job", you become "just a person". It doesn't mean anything. And that realization definitely tied into my theme of the year: Cleaning up old projects, doing things I've always wanted to do, and realizing what it is that I love to do.
I want to do something that I love. And I recently made a list of all the things I love in an effort to find what it is that makes me happy. I just don't know what person would pay me to be a music making baby tending chef writer.

I don't know what I want my career to be. I don't know what I would want to do for the next 30 years of my life. I do know one thing though.....I look almost the same as I did when I was 17 years old. No weathering and stooping over here.....yet, anyway.

Goals For The New Year

Resolutions never work. Never. There's too much pressure. So, I've decided to have goals for the year. Which just happen to coincide with the start of a new year.

There are some resolutions that we set for ourselves because we know them to be good for us, but we don't really want to do. Such as quit smoking or stop drinking. Those are things that you do because you want to do them (for most of us anyway--There is always the 2% that actually need these things to survive. That's called addiction. There are meetings for that. We'll go into that in another post though...). It would be healthier, and better for our wallet, if we stopped smoking but unless we really, really want to do that there's no way we're just magically going to stop. And we're certainly not going to cease and desist just because January 1st happened to come around. The stopping, or starting, of behaviors are usually the basis of most resolutions. Which brings me back to the theory that unless you really want to change behaviors you're not going to succeed at your resolution.

So, goals instead. There are things I want to accomplish, things I should be doing, and things that I would like to do. There's no pressure to do them and knowing that, I'm more inclined to do it. It's not some behavior or thing that I do that I want to change, but things that I want to accomplish. I work better when there's an end goal. When it's finished and accomplished. Changing behavior means I have to do it for the rest of my life and I don't think I'm ready for that kind of change yet.

I have a bad habit of having all these great ideas but never acting on them (or finishing them). I usually get bored midway, or have a better idea 1/4 way in, and abandon mission. I have several unfinished projects so my goal is to finally finish them this year. I need to stop being distracted by facebook and netflix and daydreaming and actually finish what I started. That's the theme of the year--finish what I start.

I've also decided that I'm going to do more selfless work. I'm going to try to go out of my way and help people without benefiting from it in some way. Again, I'm not gonna go crazy so if I happen to accomplish and finish one or two projects this year, then I'm good to go. So far I'm organizing a group to take part in the Unity Walk to raise money for Parkinson's Disease in April. I've involved the kids at school and set a monetary goal. Knowing that there are others involved and that there is a date of completion (the actual Unity Walk in Central Park on April 28th) I'll be more inclined to complete my mission.

So far 2012 is off to a good start. I had a lot of time to think about the last year during my week off from work (too much time probably) and I realized a lot of things. I just have to remember my goals and what I want from this year and myself. No half assing it, no more 80%, from myself and from others. I won't settle for anything but the best.

2012, I Hope You're Gonna Be As Entertaining As Your First Few Hours Were....

I spent New Years Eve with my sister at the local bar. I'm really glad that it wasn't crowded at all....which made it easier to observe all the drunk people. A couple hours after midnight, my sister and I saw a couple walk into the men's bathroom together. YOU'VE BEEN CAUGHT, SUCKERS!

So of course we told my sisters' fiance who was bartending. He grabbed my camera and walked over to the bathroom and propped open the door. Now the men's bathroom is tiny with 1 or 2 urinals and one stall. We can see the guy at the sink who wasn't the least bit phased that Sir Billy sat sat on a stool in front of the opened door and just walked into the stall where she was waiting. My sister and I joined him and soon people joined us to see what we were doing. Of course at this point I'm sure they could hear us and that poor little whorebag was wondering how she was going to get out of the stall and pass by us. A rat caught in a trap.

After a few minutes they came out. He was laughing and she had her tiny purse over her face as she quickly walked past us. We snapped a picture while half the bar clapped for them. Someone must feel pretty stupid after not getting any action AND being embarrassed in front of a whole bunch of people. You would think they would leave right after, especially after I yelled to her that her mother would be ashamed of her. Nope. They danced in the other room for a while and then ended up running into us outside when they were leaving. We wished that poor, young little chicken a very good night.

I found this very interesting. I'm not by any means an angel but, if you're going to do something like this in public, you should probably not get caught or you deserve the embarrassment and ridicule. If you're going to do it in the tiny men's bathroom as well, knowing that the bar is practically empty and men are going in and out of there constantly, you should probably change your plan and move to the women's bathroom that is towards the back of the bar and has 2 stalls. Just saying.

I also found men's responses and reactions to this incident very interesting. We were with about 8 guys all ages and types, and the majority of them stated that if they were the guy they would totally come out with a smile on their face and high-fiving like that guy did, not a bit embarrassed. BUT, if they were the girl they would be mortified. So, this proves that guys aren't as dumb about these things as we think them to be. They know how to tell when a girl is easy and probably going to give them a nice little present in the form of an STD. They just seem to have lower moral and ethical thresholds than women do. Both sexes found the girl to be disgusting but didn't seen to have the same reaction for the guy, cuz I guess 'guys will be guys' and it's something we all understand and expect.

Anyway, I thought this was a pretty funny way to start the new year. I hope she went to church the next day. I'm guessing she has a lot of things to confess about....



hahaha! Dummy.