Hot Pockets (no, it's not a euphemism . For once)

Hot pockets are stupid. They’re highly caloric and not really filling at all. And, they never cook just right. They either have cold spots when you bite into them or burn your tongue. You can’t win with the hot pocket.
Stupid invention.

Fate Or Coincidence?

Isn’t it amazing that we interact with hundreds of people a day, but don’t really connect with them at all? I was taking a walk a couple weeks ago and noticed that I really wasn’t looking at anyone I passed. I just passed them. They were a sea of bodies that I tried not to run into on my way to my destination. What’s weird is that there are probably 3-5 people you just passed who have some connection to you. Your friends’ boss, the aunt of a girl you went to high school with…we’re all connected but we’re not. Which is sad. Our disinterest and lack of awareness is sad.

There have been times when I stated I was at a location and someone else said “I was there too!” or “I was there earlier in the day”. Is that coincidence or fate? I’m not sure about that question. I strongly believe everything happens for a reason. The things that occur, the people you meet…all fated to occur at some point for one reason or another. The more practical side of my brain claims that things happen when they happen and sometimes align with other events without reason. I’m always torn between the two.

There’s an incident that sticks out for me. I went to the movies with MoJo last spring. We decided to walk up 2nd ave for no reason other than it was a nice night. On our walk, a car pulled up with people we knew. 1.6 million people on the island of Manhattan. 8.3 million in all 5 boroughs. 4 people happen to be at the same corner at the same time on the same night. Now, there was no reason for Music Man and Co. to be driving off the Queensborough bridge at that time. Nor did they have to cross the 3 lanes after they turned to be in the lane closest to us. Nor did the MM have to glance over onto the street as he was making the turn. But we met, and it doesn’t make sense.

Now, you can say that those were two different events happening in two very different sets of lives that happened to align at the same moment. Or, you can say that they lined up because they were supposed to happen and we were supposed to meet at that exact moment.

What did I learn from that? Next time, get on the damn train when you’re supposed to.

Who Said It Part 4

Another installment of quotes from my life. If you said it, you know who you are. If you're guessing out loud who it could be, you're probably right.

Here we go......

I need to get an eyebrow pencil. I kissed someone hello and she must have taken my eyebrow with her…I’ve never lost an eyebrow before…

Person 1: it took me a while to rip that
Person 2: that’s what he said

In the middle of a conversation someone said this:
You need to have a water balloon fight in your apartment.
(Crickets were heard right after that)

Person 1: you put them on before you put pants on.
Person 2: oh, I just usually grease it before I put pants on

I didn’t know I was supposed to guard your cherry!!

Stop being weird. I can’t handle it!

Person 1: can you tie it with your mouth?
Person 2: no. But I can fit a lot of them in my mouth

Person 1: I like touching things
Person 2: especially yourself
Person 1: well, if no one else will…

A Regret And An Observation

A few weeks ago I went on a trip to visit a few colleges upstate with some of our students. I’ve never dormed on a campus before. It made me realize that maybe I missed something by not doing that. I was busy working and going to school and not really having a plan. I didn’t want to socialize. I was kind of uptight back then. There would’ve been no way I was going to share a tiny room with another person and a bathroom down the hall with 30 people. No thanks. I barely got through having to share a bathroom with 4 other people my whole life.

But I do wish that someone would’ve told me back then that I should go away for college. It is something I regret. Anyway, on my 3 days of traveling, I made some observations.

- College boys are cute (yes, I realized I’m too old for them now but that doesn’t change how adorable they are)
- Apparently college equals not having to fix your hair before you leave your room
- Sweatpants is accepted public attire (you would never catch me in sweatpants outside my room. Ever. )
- For as much walking as you have to do on campus, there is an astounding lack of physical fitness among the college population
- I probably would've ended up on girls gone wild spring break edition. Truth.

Homeless Hipsters

You know what’s sad? When you can’t tell the difference between a Brooklyn hipster and a homeless person. I had a man with long blond hair and a big beard talk to me on the train platform about a month ago. He was carrying a dirty beat-up skateboard, had paint on his shirt, had dirty sneakers and wore no socks. Now, hippie painter or young homeless man? You decide.

Hipsters make me uneasy. Don’t even get me started about the L train…

My Men

You know those ads that pop up on the side of facebook? Well, there's one with a picture of Alan Rickman that always distracts me. I'm not sure what it's for. Maybe he's doing a play or a movie or something, but it's of his face so I'm ok with that. He's looking older but that's okay. He still makes my top 10. When I do my list of celebrity crushes, mostly all of them are over the age of 40. It's weird. Because that's not what I go for in real life. Maybe I should start cuz my taste in men so far has gotten me nowhere. Except, that now I know that it is possibly for an even MORE douchier guy to exist than the last one which is oddly comforting to know that the last mistake wasn't my greatest.

So, here's a list of my celebrity crushes. The super men. If only they were younger...or had sons...I'm gonna Wiki that. That's my new goal: find younger versions of my old man crushes who may or may not share the same DNA.

* Yes, I do know that at least one of them is gay.
** And no, I am not kidding about Charles Darwin.

*** And yes, 8/11 have an accent.

We All Have Our Own Problems...

I was out at a bar on Friday night and I met a couple of guys. They were nice and we started talking and we found out that they were comedians (not that funny, I think I was funnier). One of the guys was really nice and cute. And then he disclosed that he sees a therapist because he has A.D.D and takes Ritalin.

Um, TMI. That killed the interest instantly. Good for him that he's getting help and is comfortable enough to disclose it to perfect strangers, but I can't deal with that. We all have our problems. Baggage that we carry around all over town, but aside from the fact that our whole society has A.D.D. I can't deal with a diagnosed disorder. It's hard enough getting a "normal" man to concentrate on something but someone with diagnosed A.D.D? No chance.

As my friend would say.....NEXT!!!!!!!!

Personal Boundaries

I woke up this morning to an email that said the following. I thought it was a great way to start the day. A few people were given a quote and had to respond. There's some amazing things in here. I've read it about 5 times in order to fuse it into my brain. Happy thinking people.


(We dedicate this week's letter to Harriet DeHaven Cuddihy, whose old world elegance and impeccably irreverent humor, deep curiosity and optimism made her one of my true idols. Words cannot say how much we will miss her)
Boundaries
“As a woman who was raised in a society where it is implied that women should be agreeable and amenable, where speaking up for yourself can label you ‘difficult’, I personally have found it difficult to do that very thing. Why is it important to have personal boundaries and make sure they are not crossed? More importantly, how can we keep them while coming off strong and not strident?”

Monica Berg replies (Monica is a spiritual teacher, writer and guide who specializes in assisting people as they identify and overcome life’s challenges so they can reach their greatest potential):

These are great questions, and we can best answer them by zeroing in on the first issue you raise, the inhibiting effect that society & upbringing have on our spirit, and consequently how we feel about ourselves and what we deserve.

Women are, by nature, caregivers. We have a great capacity for compassion and mercy, and as young girls we are brought up to nurture and take care of others. Most of us learn to become excellent multi-taskers. But at some point we get the message—sadly enough from our own parents or peers—that we need to excel at everything—and we’re expected to keep it all in perfect balance.

This creates a total impossibility. We become afraid to act because we are afraid to fail. And that’s why so many of us are trapped in prisons made up of beliefs such as, “I can’t disappoint my family,” or “I mustn’t speak up because I will be labeled as “difficult,” or “I have to be perfect all the time.”
I loathe this word: perfect. Mostly, because I tried to be this person most of my young adult life. Unfortunately, this unconscious image of perfection is totally at odds with what our soul wants—to be free, to make mistakes & grow stronger through life experiences, and to express itself fully.

It’s important we see how our seeking for approval gets in our own way. Once we become more aware, it’s then important to set a mandate by which we can live, a certain line that we draw, a set of rules to place for ourselves.

I spent the first 28 years of my life turned too “outward.” And because of this, I didn’t fully express myself out of fear of rocking the boat. It wasn’t until I got more in touch with my “inner” aspect that I became conscious of how I was handicapping myself, and more comfortable expressing the power I possess.
This meant getting to know the motivations that drive me each day, the intentions behind my actions and what my purpose is each morning. And perhaps, most important, holding the belief that I deserve to have good things come my way.

That, we all deserve to experience true love and simple happiness in this lifetime.
When our core beliefs are clear, we find that we no longer worry about coming off “too strong.” In fact, we often become aggressive or act in ways not in our integrity because we react to things and people that we find threatening.

Our beliefs are only threatened when we don’t know what they are.

In addition, in order to create clear boundaries and feel comfortable with who we are, we need to have compassion for ourselves. If we cannot give & be kind to ourselves, we can never love ourselves enough to believe we deserve to be unconditionally loved, truly heard & treated with human dignity.The result of not creating this compassion for ourselves will be that we don’t think we deserve enough of anything. We’ll have no voice to protest when someone is taking from us more than we want to give, making us feel less than enough, or simply making us uncomfortable with who we are.
If we don’t believe we deserve, simply because we exist, then we cannot and will not demand anything from others.

When we believe that we deserve then what is at stake of being lost is so clear and therefore takes precedence. Putting ourselves first isn't selfish but a necessary step in our life's growth. When we have appreciation for ourselves, others will too. Because we teach people how to treat us.
An important distinction I want to make is I’m not saying be self-centered, but rather become self-aware and strengthen the soul aspect within, and build strength on that foundation. When you do, questions like, “How do I know when I am giving too much?” will be replaced with, “Am I tending to my deepest needs?” You will find this balance—and the best version of yourself—when you know who you are, let yourself be seen and believe that you are enough.

This is a favorite aphorism of mine that gives me a lot of inspiration. I trust it will move you too:

"Be who you are, and say what you feel, because those that mind don’t matter and those that matter don’t mind."
-Dr. Seuss


Cynthia Bourgeault replies (Cynthia is an Episcopal priest, writer and retreat leader. She is founding director of the Aspen Wisdom School in Colorado and principal visiting teacher for the Contemplative Society in Victoria, BC, Canada:

It’s not about boundaries, it’s about integrity. And integrity is the fruit of being deeply rooted in oneself. I’ve never been a great fan of strong personal boundaries because they’re too brittle, but the alternative to strong personal boundaries is not co-dependency or being walked all over for the sake of some superficial harmony. There’s another way, a better way: strong TRANSpersonal boundaries. This means being so deeply rooted in your essence and your inner honesty that falsehood is not an option. People with that kind of flexible inner strength generally don’t get messed with and can assert their integrity in a situation without the need for confrontation or shows of power.

This is quite a different lesson from what our culture teaches us! We ALL come onto this planet 100% perfect in our essential being. But during the course of our “education” (aka, acculturation), most of us gradually lose touch with who we really are inside and develop external egoic facades which are tremendously dependent on external confirmation and tremendously threatened by either invasion or rejection. That’s the reason for the dilemma in the first place; a person who had never lost touch with the vastness of their innermost self would probably not get into this jam to begin with!. I wouldn’t worry about being labeled “difficult;” I’d worry more about passing through life without ever having tasted who I really am, and how my inner core expresses itself.


Elizabeth Mattis-Namgyel replies (Elizabeth is the author of the book, “The Power of an Open Question” (Shambhala Publications):

When I first read this question it sounded so 1950’s … do we as women still feel this way—the need to please? But then I remembered something that happened some years back … and I thought, “Oh right, I get this!”

Many years ago, in a work-related incident, a man crossed a verbal and physical boundary with me. There were many people around—mostly women. And yet, there was a sort of atmospheric understanding that everyone was expected to be “agreeable and amenable” with this man. He was important in this context. So when he crossed this boundary, everyone was stunned and wondering what was going to happen.
The situation stunned me too—it threw me off guard. I never thought of myself as timid … and yet I didn’t say anything. The fact that I didn’t respond disturbed me more than the man’s words or actions. Why did I hesitate? For some days this became a puzzle for me.

When we ask, “Why is it important to have personal boundaries and make sure they are not crossed?” it is perhaps because we want to have a healthy and sane relationship with our world. How do we create avenues for relationships that support ourselves and others and the work we engage in together?
Boundaries can support us. I remember my son once said, in a moment of feeling overwhelmed by his own wildness: “Mom, I think I need some boundaries right now.” I understood that if I helped him focus on a task it would help him calm down and connect with what he already recognized as a state of well-being. It helps us to understand how structure can serve us in this way.

At the same time, boundaries can also be divisive and isolating. We often put up boundaries when we just don’t want to “deal.” When we cut off others to protect ourselves we usually react with a little aggression. This often has consequences. We can sever opportunities and even friendships. Furthermore, we fail to see that we have the resources to bring clarity to a situation where clarity is badly needed.
So what I realized, in responding to my challenge, was that I wanted to work with this situation in a way that created clarity for all. I asked myself, “What will serve everyone involved here?” With this intention I could confront this man without aggression. Because I didn’t blame him, I didn’t have to feel like a victim myself—which was empowering.

Because of this shift in attitude I found a way of communicating with this man that was not harsh or “strident.” This naturally created a completely different tone in our conversation; a different tone of voice, of speech, a different tone in presence and body language, and therefore a different overall tone in the environment. Because he didn’t feel attacked, this man (to his benefit) could self-reflect. When I asked him for more formality in the relationship—he agreed.

I have found in my experience that when I have had the wherewithal to step back and ask myself, “what serves” rather than simply reacting to a situation, I find creative and surprising ways of responding to life. It is emboldening and important for us as women (and human beings in general) to find inventive ways to respond skillfully to people and situations. This is where we find true strength, compassion and clarity. In this way everyone benefits.


Dr. Karen Binder-Byrnes replies (Dr. Binder-Brynes is a leading psychologist with a private practice in New York City for the past 15 years.):

The first thing I did before sitting down to write this answer was to find a definition for the word, strident. Wordnetweb.princeton.edu includes in their definition of strident such descriptions as: conspicuously and offensively loud, given to vehement outcry, raucous, unpleasantly loud and brash. In addition: shrill, grating and obnoxious. So, was the question really how can women be strong and assertive and not be labeled with these negative traits? Next, I found myself talking to friends about their thoughts on the topic. They all agreed that even in this progressive era, women still have to walk the fine line between being strong and powerful without being labeled “the bitch.”

Why then are we still grappling with the fear of being seen as strident when we are being strong, assertive and powerful in our lives? I went on to scan the Internet to see what was being written about women and assertiveness. One article on how to be more assertive for women contained all the usual tips, but the final line is what got me. "A final word of advice, too much assertiveness can be mistaken for rude, crass and possible disrespectful behavior. Find the middle ground before asserting your newfound confidence." In essence, even when you need to be assertive, dim your lights!

As I think back on over twenty years of being a psychotherapist, I have helped many female patients struggle with the issue of finding their voices, first in their family of origin, then in their intimate relationships and, ultimately, in the workplace and society. From their earliest years, girls in most of the world’s societies are socialized to quiet their voices and maximize their femininity so as not to appear socially unacceptable.

This all being said, what is the answer? How can women assert themselves and their needs without being labeled “strident?” Unfortunately, I do not believe there is one simple solution. What I do know is that women have to continue to take initiative in getting their voices heard and forming and expressing their views without being paralyzed by fears of disapproval and judgment. Women do not have to give up their femininity to compete with each other, or with men. Coming to grips with this issue is most likely a learning process for all women from their earliest days on up through their later adult lives. As women we must hold on to radical hope that we will continue to evolve out of our fear of being judged so that our voices, even the loudest ones will be heard and not dismissed!

BABIES!!!

I was going through my notebook and I found this:

At the end of August, I went to Pennsylvania to visit my godson and his new baby brother. I spent a few days surrounded by babies and dogs from the moment I woke up until the moment I went to sleep. I’ve always loved babies—who the hell doesn’t love babies?! Our next door neighbor had a 1 year old grandson who I used to go play with. My sister and I were around 8 and 6. Instead of playing tag or playing with barbies or fighting, we were going next door and entertaining a toddler. When I was 10 years old, my brother was born. I loved taking care of him. I was his second mother. He was our little doll we could throw around. I was always the little mommy…I still am. I always make sure everyone gets home okay and that no one’s falling down drunk or doing things they’ll regret in the morning….it’s exhausting. But I love it.
Anyway, so I was surrounded by babies for a few days and decided to make a pro/con list for babies. This is what I came up with:

PRO
 they’re simple. They want to be clean, fed, clothed, and paid some attention to.
 They’re constantly learning. The ability to shape these little beings into functioning members of society has to be the best challenge of a person’s life. The most difficult, but rewarding nonetheless.
 They’re funny. They do the funniest things without even trying. They have no agenda. They just exist.
 Having a baby fall asleep on your shoulder is one of the best things ever—I literally could sit there all day like that.
 Even better….witnessing a baby laugh in their sleep while in your arms—magical
 They love you without any judgment
 Their smell

CON
 You are never alone. Ever. Again.
 Your plans revolve around the routine of a little slobbering alien. Forever.
 Tantrums.
 The cost of diapers, formula, extra food, toys, clothes, shoes, etc….
 Having to hold a screaming baby in your arms for 45 minutes and not being able to console them because they’re getting new teeth is the worst thing in the world—mostly because it’s not their fault and you can’t do anything to alleviate their pain
 Crumbs, food, toy pieces in every crevice and on every floor
 Their smell…..when they poop or spit up.

Even though I’ve welcomed the thought of having a baby for most of my life, I don’t think I want one right this second. I’m not fully shaped and developed into the best person I could be and it’s unfair to bring someone into this world when you couldn’t possibly give them your full attention and focus. How can you expect to create an exceptional human being when you, yourself, are not the best person you could be?

I like staying up all night, waking when I want, not having to cook all day, and not have to take care of someone else. The day is coming when I’ll be ready, but it’s not anytime in the near future.

Can I Be 12 Again?

So, I have a bunch of old cartoons in my Netflix queue in an attempt to relive my youth. Today I woke up and decided to watch The Super Mario Bros Super Show. It was everything I imagined it to be. Late 80’s/Early 90’s tackiness mixed in with an endearing innocence. Times were so simple back then. Watching it now, it’s nostalgic, but the experience feels tainted in some way—contaminated by life. The innocence and simplicity that was experienced almost 20 years ago is gone, and instead, is replaced by a jadedness acquired by life. I sometimes wish I didn’t know the things I know or never experienced the things that have happened. I feel tainted—different. I can literally see myself back then. I can see me as I watched G.I. Joe and Sonic The Hedgehog before school in the morning in my uniform. I can remember the walk to the corner to get to the bus. I can remember Mike the bus driver. I can remember looking out the window at the sky as the sun slowly lit it up and wondering why the kid two blocks away was taking so long to get out of his house and onto the bus.
It seems like such a long time ago though. Like we saw it in a movie. Because since then, there have been so many things that have happened that it’s a wonder we can remember anything at all from two decades ago. Our biggest concern was getting home in time to watch afternoon cartoons and if our parents would let us have ice cream before dinner. I wish those innocent times lasted longer, or that we realized that we should’ve milked them for everything we could get. I don’t know about you, but I was in such a rush to grow up. I sometimes feel like I was born at 30 years old. Thank god I’m not as uptight as I used to be….true story. Ask my sister.

I Think I'm Officially An Adult Now

So, I went out to our usual dance spot last night and realized that A. it was lame, B. people are ridiculous, and C. I much rather would've preferred to be at home in my pajamas and in bed. Now, don't get me wrong, it's fun to go out to these kinds of places once in a while because sometimes, when everything falls into place, it could be the greatest night of your life. Sometimes you have a big group and everyone is just in the mood to go crazy and you meet some really fun people and stay out until 4am without even realizing it. Those nights are great....but far and few between.
I don't know if it was because I had a long and stressful week, or lacked sleep, but no matter how much I tried, I just couldn't get into it. By 1am I thought, "what's the point of staying up when I could be sleeping?" Why do I want to stand around and waste money on alcohol and get hit on by guys from Long Island/Staten Island who I have no interest in? It seems like a giant waste of time, money and energy even though it makes for good stories later on.
I also can't drink as much as I used to, or really WANT to drink as much as I used to. That feeling of being out of control or wanting to throw up or feeling like shit for the next 36 hours has no appeal anymore. It still happens every once in a while but I'm more conscious of how much I drink and when I'm getting to the point where I'm going to need to recover for the next 2 days. I don't like that feeling.

I would rather stay at home and watch TV or play board games. I don't want to do it everyday, but I'm okay with partaking in those activities most of the time. It's even better when you have good company who enjoy those things as well. I think I finally understand what my older friends have been talking about. They always complain that they can't stay out late anymore, or drink as much as they used to or tell me about how they fall asleep on the couch at 8pm. I think I get it. Cuz one day you realize, that you need to do things that are meaningful and stop wasting time with things that have no real importance. Because playing ConnectFour on a Saturday night the weekend of Halloween can probably provide you with better memories than pushing your way through a crowded bar to get to the dance floor can.

I Know And I Wish I Didn't

You know what's awkward? When you're in the bathroom with a coworker and become privy to the fact that they do not wash their hands before leaving. Now, whenever you see them, all you do is think about their dirty hands. There's that moment when they hand you something and you're stuck thinking "huum, did they wash their hands? What's being transferred to me from that paper? Should I just have them put it down or should I just take it from them".

Ah, people. Damn you for making me have these thoughts.

Temptation is Tempting

Back in June, I went to get money from an ATM in Citibank and saw that the last person didn’t log off their account. It asked me where I wanted to withdraw money from. After staring at the screen for about 30 seconds, I pushed the log off button. This also just happened to be the day I took most of my savings for the new apartment. Were the powers that be testing me? I was tempted. I’m not going to lie. Even a few hundred would have made me feel better. Instead, I did the decent thing and closed it. Hopefully I’ll get rewarded later on in life for my good deed.

If that wasn’t bad enough, it happened again at a different Citibank location the very next day. I just laughed and logged off. Temptation is tempting. And coincidence does not exist.

Freedom For A Whopper

I got locked in a Burger King once. It was around 9pm. I really wanted fast food after class so I decided to stop by on my way home. I went in, there were a few people in there, ordered my food, waited, got it then, when I went to the door to leave, I found it locked. I go to the other door and it's locked. I went to the counter and said "are all the doors locked?!"
The lady looks at me blankly and said "you want to leave?" I say, “yeah, I want to leave!”. She finally came around and lets me out. I walked home really confused and texted my sister immediately. I was hoping she could tell me what had just happened because I still can’t figure it out.

Border Patrol

When I was 17 years old I was sent to travel to Montreal with my sister. This was the first time we traveled alone without adults. We took the Greyhound and 8 hours later at 10pm we finally made it to the border. We all got off the bus and went to show our documents to border patrol. When we got to the counter the nice French-Canadian officer lady asked us in her accent where we were going, who we were seeing and how long we were staying. Then she asked if we had the letter from our parents giving us permission to cross the border. Insert tire screech. No one told us that had to be done. She said it was fine and we could just call my mother. So, I dialed and she took the phone.

Border patrol: (with Celine Dion accent) Good evening Madame. This is border patrol. I have Natasha and Maria here with me. We just need permission from you to allow them to cross the border.
My mother: yeah, right. Haha. You guys are so funny. Border patrol!
Border patrol: No, really ma’am. This is border patrol.
My mother: haha. Yeah, whatever they did just lock them up.

When I realized that my mother thought it was a joke I turned to my sister and said “Oh. My. God. She doesn’t believe her. She’s gonna land us in border prison”.

Finally after a few back and forths (and I think I may have gotten on the phone in the middle of it) she finally believed us and all was good. Another historical (and hysterical) oops moment in my life.

Who Said It Part 3!!!!!!!!!!

The third installment of Who Said It!!! Where we document the ridiculous, the profound, and the inappropriate.

Person 1: Lady bugs. They eat aphids.
Person 2: What? They eat atheists?!

Person 1: Watch! There are balls on your back!
Person 2: Ugh, I don’t like balls on my back!

Random person in park to picnic group: Is anyone Jewish?
Person 2: No….sorry?

Person 1: That’s the Eye of Horus.
Person 2: Why did you get that? Cuz you’re a whore-us?

Person 1: Can you put your thing in?
Person 2: I will NOT have sex with women!!!!

I’m from the southern Baptist church of CRAZY!!!

I bring something to the relationship…I bring….THIS (‘this’ being said while the person glides their own hands down their body)

Where did she find him? On iwannalosemylicense.net?

Is it fleet week or is there just seamen all over the streets?

You kinda had to be there as we were chiseling at her vagina.

Hot. I want THAT jiggle all over me.

I told this teacher we should touch the kids…and rub honey on them!

Person 1: you know, the kid who was in the coma.
Person 2: he still had an erection though….whoa! That was wrong. Even for me!

I want you to draw with your nipples.

It’s like we’re walking through the raindrops…you know, dodging them.

Person 1: I don’t wanna go up there! (pointing to the steep trail on a mountain)
Person 2: yes you do. If you want to leave…and live.

That’s why I don’t have a lot of friends…I’m always afraid I’ll eat them.

Ever stare into the darkness of your life and wonder what could be?

Sometimes I wanna stab you in the eye with a straw.

You blow myself away!

I’m kind of a big deal. If you google me, there’s shit there.

Seriously…it’s not that serious.

Cuz your legs are always open!! (look of horror upon their face) Excuse me, I’m drunk.

Look, that’s what you need (pointing to a lady holding planks of wood) wood.

My mom has been trying to lip kiss me…and she finally got me the other day!

Person 1: Why do you want to marry me? I’m crazy!
Person 2: Don’t question it.

Person 1: The first thing I’m gonna do when I get settled is take a bubble bath and take pictures of myself…with a bottle of Jameson!
Person 2: You’re just class, class, class all the way.
Person 1: Yeah, I know…..how come no one wants to date me?!

Person 1: what is this band? Everything but the goose?
Person 2: um, Minus The Bear….but close.

Person 1: you suck.
Person 2: yeah, you’d think I’d get paid for sucking so much.

You don’t like when it squirts in your mouth when you bite it?

Stay tuned for installment 4…..

Thigh Tattoos

I’m not sure of my stance on thigh tattoos. Done right, they’re sexy. Done wrong, trashy. They are intriguing though. I mean, it’s not an ankle or shoulder (so typical, especially for a girl). It’s stationed at the front of your body. People will see it coming. In dresses, skirts, shorts—it’s gonna be visible. I’m all about symmetry and balance. I feel like if it’s on one thigh it’s got to be on both. You just look uneven. And no one likes an uneven gal.

Music

The following post is the first thing I ever wrote for this blog. I was waiting for my flight from LA to NY and had just spent the last few days with my cousin surrounded by music and musical people. On April 3, 2010, I was inspired:

I love music. That’s a fact. A declaration. And an affirmation. I didn’t realize just how much until recently. I didn’t realize that I do the same thing now as I did when I was 12 years old. From the second that I rose from bed until the moment I shut the light to sleep there was music. Now, I walk home with my ipod, unlock the door to my apartment, put away my ipod (who I affectionately named Stinky) and turn on itunes. It plays until I go to bed. I used to lock myself in my room and listen to music for hours. I knew all the songs, all the words. I didn’t realize that that love was stronger than some other things I thought I loved at the time.
It makes everything better. I love how music can make you remember a person, a moment in time, a whole event or even a feeling. We listen to music according to our moods. Sometimes we use it to try to change our mood. Sometimes we use it to make us feel what and how we’re feeling at that moment even more intensely. I love how I can remember where I was, what I was wearing, and how I was feeling just by hearing a song. Whether good or bad. It’s a memory. It makes us and shapes us. Music is a major part of life whether we actively realize it or not.


Cut to August 26, 2010 when I won a spot to go to a live taping of Grace Potter And The Nocturnals. I discovered her in June and have not stopped listening to her since. I've been dying to see her live but they never come to NY. She is the person I wish I could be because, frankly, she's a badass rocker. I was inspired to write this:


I got goose bumps the second they began playing and it didn’t subside until I was down the block and could no longer hear the music. My whole body tingled from my feet to my fingertips. I kept telling myself that I had to remember that feeling. I want to feel that every second of my life. There’s a point at the end of ‘Tiny Light' where the whole band just rocks out. Hair flying and fingers moving so fast that you can barely make out that they actually belong to an arm—overall awesomeness. It builds and builds until there’s a tiny explosion at the end.
I felt the beat of the drum in time with every beat of my heart. Every time he hit it, my insides tingled. The drum WAS my heart beat at that moment. At the same time, the guitarist was emitting riffs that rolled over my body, crashing into me like a wave. You know, that wave that doesn’t knock you down but washes over you and makes you feel as one with the ocean. There was such a build up as all the instruments were going that I didn’t know whether I wanted to scream in ecstasy or burst into tears. I've never felt that before. I’ve been in awe of individual musicians before—the ones where you don’t realize that you haven’t blinked or closed your mouth in the last two minutes because they exude so much awesomeness.
That happens with one of my favorite NYC bands-Audio Fiction. The guitarist leaves me standing with my mouth open every time he shreds his guitar with a solo. “Dead To Me” is one of my favorite songs ever---largely because I get goose bumps every time I hear it. The combination of the guitar and Kristin’s voice hitting every high note gives me chills the entire time. I cannot wait for their second album--from what I've seen so far, I think it's gonna be pretty awesome.
Grace Potter is a jam band—Which means that their albums kick ass but they’re so much better live. I saw both bands live first and was blown away. Then, I listened to their albums, and although good, I craved the live performance factor because the feeling they create is infectious. It leaves you wanting more and I want to feel my body tingle like that every second of my life.

Here's some examples of why I love them (I threw my cousin in the mix too--she's pretty awesome!). Turn it up and close your eyes.










THAT is why I listen to music. And once the music stops, my hear beat will cease as well.

Sex On The Beach

A few years ago, I mean long ago when I was about 20 years old, I went to Sephora just to look and while I was in the perfume section I can came across a scent from Demeter labeled “Sex On The Beach”. As I was looking at it, a voice from behind me says “Ever try it?” I was so shocked I put it back on the shelf and spun around and with an appalled and embarrassed expression on my face I said “No! Have you?” The salesman realized that I took his questioning to mean if I’ve actually had sex on a beach instead of if I’ve smelled the scent before. He then got embarrassed and stammered an apology and we shared an awkward laugh and then I walked towards the door. It’s one of those moments that can never be forgotten.

Jump Before You Think

“I’m so afraid to fail so I won’t even try/ Well, how can I say I’m alive?" ~Dido

I think too much. Sometimes, that’s a bad thing. I’m always thinking of what could happen, the consequences, scenarios that could fix anything that goes wrong. I think then I forget to do. I think before I jump and I end up not jumping at all. (except in the case of tattoos and that one last drink of the night where in both cases leaves me wondering “Dude, how come I did that?”) I went to Trapeze class last week. It was my idea. Then I stopped and said “wait a minute. How the hell do you get up there? Oh, a ladder. Yeah….” I have a fear of falling. Not jumping. Falling. I’ve had a recurring dream since I was young of fall down stairs—having no control. That’s why I hate escalators, fire escapes, ladders, poles….

We arrived at trapeze and found the setup in the back of the woods in Rockville Centre, NY. It didn’t look very steady and I wished that I did have that beer that I wanted at lunch. They gave us a quick breakdown of what would happen and then made us do it. No demonstration. Nothing. Just get up there and do it. I don’t operate that way. I like to see it, have instructions, study it, think of how I’m gonna do it, and then go for it. The first time I climbed the ladder to get to the platform, I had a panic attack. I didn’t once look down and I hyperventilated while holding on for dear life on this tiny platform. I didn’t think I could do it. And I didn’t. At least not correctly. I didn’t expect for the bar to be so heavy and the feeling of floor leaving was new. That, and the combination of not having a good grip of the bar, led me to eat net. I am now the owner of a lovely bruised left knee that will probably leave a scar that can keep the other bike-riding induced scar on my knee company.

Out of 4 tries I could only hold onto the bar and hook my knees over once. By the time we were going to try a “catch” I was tired, nauseous, dejected and ready to give up. They convinced me to try at least once more, and I hate being a quitter, so I went for it. I completed a catch on the first try. It was pretty amazing. I would probably do it again, that doesn’t mean that I won’t hyperventilate and complain and whine and try to punk out. I will. But I’ll get over it and do it.

It’s true that if we don’t try, we’ll never know, and the inability to try, stems from fear. So, it’s ok to miss the bar sometimes and fall. You can even be mad about it, even sad. But you have to get up and climb up there again. Yeah, you’ll come out with some scrapes and bruises, maybe you’ll remember the pain for the rest of your life or maybe you’ll forget about it and be ok. Either way, climb to the edge and…JUMP.

1pm On A Sunday Is Way Too Early To Have Thoughts

As I was walking to brunch yesterday, I had a few thoughts/observations. It was way too early for them, but once they come you can't stop them (that's what she said).

1. The shuttle. Everyone knows that the shuttle shows up every 5 minutes, sometimes every 2 minutes. If this is a known fact, why do people feel compelled to run for it? Especially when no one is saying "Get your ass in here! I'm closing the doors!" It was the funniest thing to watch people start running for it just because the person in front of them picked up pace. Which leads me to be even more saddened by society, for this just shows that people are followers, not leaders (maybe the first guy who ran is the leader, but he probably got the idea from someone else. It's a chicken vs. egg situation). What's even more embarrassing is that the train didn't leave for another 5 minutes. I can see the look of people faces that said "I'm such an idiot. Now I'm just sitting on the train not going anywhere. Why didn't I just walk like everyone else?"

2. Times Square. The worst place in the world. Especially if you want to get to your projected destination...as some point during the next decade. It's the land of the 'stop and go'---where you're walking along and suddenly have to screech to a halt or do a fast-thinking left/right pass because the person in front of you wants to take a picture of the cop on a horse or has been conned into getting a caricature of themselves done by an Asian man for $20. It's horrible. Tourists. Bleh!

3. Weathermen/weather women/weather girls. They have NO IDEA what they are talking about. Seriously. We've been waiting for a thunderstorm since last Monday....um, I'm still waiting. I'm pretty sure I can do the job WAY better than they can merely based on the fact that I got an 'A' in my Weather And Climate class. Actually, I just may have heard some thunder (or it's a plane fast approaching the Earth). Either way, a week too late Mr. G.

4. Bad People. Bad things happen more to bad people than to good people. Remember that next time you feel like your world has gone to shit. Then call up a bad person and ask them how it's going. I guarantee you there will be a smile on your face before the conversation has ended. I'm smiling right now as I think of that someone who's going to get what he deserves pretty soon. Maybe I'll give him a call and ask how he's doing....

There Are Some Things You Can't Do Without A Right Hand

I went to Trapeze class the other day. Terrifying. But amazing. By the end, I had no right hand. The skin had been ripped off in several spots probably from gripping both the ladder and bar for dear life.
I'm now on day 3 of being hand less and here are some things I found to be difficult without a hand. I figured you people should know what to expect in case you meet that crossroad.

Things that are difficult, near impossible to do without a hand:
1. tie your hair in a ponytail
2. wash your hair (properly)
3. apply suntan lotion (sorry left side but you now have skin cancer)
4. shake hands
5. write a nasty letter to the person who parked on top of your bumper (if you're
right handed)
6. masturbate (again, if you're right-handed. if you are a leftie and/or
ambidextrous, congrats. you are free to enjoy your Stan)
7. make a salad (or really do anything that involves chopping)
8. carry more than 1 bag with a handle
9. hold a newborn
10. lift weights
11. play the piano/guitar/tuba/ukulele/ banjo/ tin whistle/ etc..
12. give a high five without excruciating pain
13. shuck corn
14. wash dishes
15. blow dry hair

it's not limited just to these 15, but it's a good start.

Just Cuz It's Called Long Island City Doesnt Mean All You Long Islanders Can Flock Here

So, this past Friday I graced Long Island City with my presence. If I didn't have to take 2 trains to work and have to get up while it's still dark out, I would move there in a heartbeat. Anyway, my friend and I went for a drink after an afternoon of sitting in the sun. The name escapes me but it was a cute little place. There were only a few people in the bar when we walked in but I noticed a group of 3 guys sitting at the bar looking at us. I was ready. Game face on.

We were standing right next to them deciding what to drink when the middle man (let's call him Mike) tapped my friend (the nicer one of the duo-lets call her Sugar). This is what transpired:

Mike- hey, are you girls planning on sitting next to my buddy ____(insert typical bridge and tunnel name). We have a train to catch in 15 minutes but if you are, we're ok with missing it.
Sugar- I think we're gonna sit outside. We wouldn't want you to miss your train. Where are you from?
Mike- we're from Long Island....I'm going to my mansion in Montauk.
Me- hahahah. (On the inside: figures, they're from L.I.)

We order drinks, head towards the back and here's the kicker:

Mike- (yelling across the bar)you girls made the biggest mistake of your lives!
Me- (with dark glasses on I look back, sangria in hand and a smile on my face) I think I'll get over it.

Then I turned and walked right outside.

That about sums up my relationships...except I wish it was always a break as clean as on this day.

I Don't Mind, But It's Kinda Creepy

What’s up with men and pigtails? Why do they find them so sexy? It kinda freaks me out. I know it’s the whole ‘young school girl’ fantasy, but just how young do you think I am/want me to be? It’s really creepy.

That is all.

A Note To John Mayer

So, we just became a John Mayer friendly household. I never thought I’d see the day. But it’s here. And it’s in my itunes so I must embrace it.

As much as I believe that we are supposed to be together for the mere fact that the universe keeps throwing us together, I also maintain that you are a giant fucked up douchebag. I don’t think you mean to be douchey but you're so messed up in the head that you can’t even see what you say/do clearly anymore. Your songs are about love, usually lost love. You pine that no one can return the love that you give out and that you're so full of cupids, hearts, and little babies but the world won’t let you show it to the best of you ability.

I call bullshit, Mayer.

While your songs are useful in times where one is feeling so low all they want is to hear songs to make them cry and forget what it is that they’ve lost, in reality, it’s bullshit. You claim “I believe that my life’s gonna see the love I give return to me”….why is it that you feel that what you put out is so much more than what other people are giving you? JM, have you ever stopped to wonder that maybe, just maybe, you’re not letting anyone love you? On the outside, through your lyrics, it looks like you are but the feelings that resonate in your songs are not translated through your actions in your actual life. One beautiful celebrity after another, and while they may also be as fucked up in the head as you, you’re telling me that none of them loved you the way you loved them? Or is it that you were too scared to actually let them love you because you’re afraid of getting hurt? Which may be the reason you started writing songs in the first place.

Stop whining and crying all the time that it’s so hard being you because of your celebrity status and other people’s inability to love you. The common factor in all this is you. Change your shit.

(I apologize for this rant. I just listened to “Wheel” and it dawned on me that he’s always blaming others for his problems. This little note is not only meant for him but also applies to the rest of us who do the same damn thing. I still probably want to sleep with him. My love has not wavered. Don’t you worry about that.)

Follow The Yellow Brick Road To Your Emerald City

Sometimes I journey days, weeks, on rare occasion, a month to get to my Emerald City. It’s the destination that houses the thought and belief that everything will be ok. You know that once you get there, you’ll be surrounded by friends, new and old, and live music and good food and liquor. It’s always good times at the Pig on 2nd. There are 4 different locations in Manhattan. I’ve been to 3 out of 4. None compare to the one on 2nd Ave. There are so many good memories that exist because of that place. We’ve met people from all over the world, some we still talk to, some we only had one encounter with. There are pictures of us somewhere in Ireland owned by an elderly trio (one of which was an 85 year old man I dubbed Sassy Sally—we made his first visit to the states the highlight of his life).

I even have an adopted child who lives in the bar (the polar bear in some of my pictures on facebook), and who sits in my lap most times that I’m at the bar. Not the best way to meet men, I know, but it doesn’t really matter because I have everything I need when I get there. There was a time when ASK’s (that’s the kids name) real mother came into the bar while he was in my lap. I had to do a quick under the counter pass to his father in order to avoid conflict with his ex-wife. No one likes having someone else raise their children when they aren’t there:-)

There was also the time Mad M. drank a whole bottle of wine by herself, knocked her head on a surfboard on the wall, and sang Sweet Caroline at the top of her lungs (mostly without any of the correct words) before passing out on a bench at Cypress Avenue at 2am. These memories exist because of that place. I like that.

It’s so nice to have one place where I know there’s no drama at---as long as I check the calendar of events :-P--and I don’t want anything to taint that. It helps that there are bartenders who have very adorable Irish accents. Anyone who knows me, knows I’m a sucker for an accent. And as much as I would love to jump all over those boys, I don’t because of one thing: I don’t want to lose my happy place. Yes, I know that somewhere on this island there exists another Pig n’ Whistle-esque establishment but I don’t want another one. I like this one right now. It’s like home. And maybe one day, we will have to part ways, but for now, I like knowing that I can go home every once in a while.

We Are The Music Makers And The Dreamers Of Dreams

We are the music makers,
And we are the dreamers of dreams,
Wandering by lone sea-breakers,
And sitting by desolate streams;—
World-losers and world-forsakers,
On whom the pale moon gleams:
Yet we are the movers and shakers
Of the world for ever, it seems. ----Arthur O’Shaughnessy (1874)

I first came across this work while I was on the toilet of Hunter College. I kid you not. Someone wrote the first 2 lines on the bathroom stall. It initiated a whole conversation with other students. I took a picture of it. I think it's on my facebook mobile uploads. I'm not sure how I found this poem. I probably just stumble across it. Here I was thinking this student was a genius with the profound thought that "we are the music makers and we are the dreamer of dreams". They get credit for passing that along, nonetheless. It is true. We dream the dreams and we make the music. WE are what makes the world, and our own world, exist. By creating, by thinking. Once we cease to do that, we have nothing.
Now, putting it out for all to see, is the hard part. You can think and create all you want but if no one sees it, then is it worth it?
You have to get it out there--like Arthur and the Hunter student. I would've never known this poem existed if it wasn't for the someone who put it out there.

What are you waiting for?

The Great Manflop Debate.

Manflops. The jury is torn over this debate. Some girls hate them and others don’t mind. I fall into the latter. There are bigger offenses men commit than the man-flop. Unless you have decent looking feet, most chicks do not dig man-dals or man-flops. Man snagglefoot is not pleasant. Actually, any snagglefoot is not pleasant and if you are the fine owner of a pair, you better tip your pedicurist extra. Just sayin'...
BUT, ladies, are sneakers with black socks pulled up the leg while wearing shorts better? I’m not sure which makes them look like bigger momos. I think I’ll stick to my man-flops….my men usually flop anyway :-)

Who Said It....Part 2

Here’s the second installment of “Who Said It!” A list of quotes collected from myself and the people around me. Upon reviewing them, I realize that most are dirty. That’s mainly my fault. I can’t help it. If you made it on the list---congratulations! Not just anyone makes it onto the list. Obviously, most of the statements come attached with a sarcastic, dry, deadpan tone. Without it, it’s just ludicrous, completely inappropriate and probably offensive. ENJOY!


Person 1: Look how it’s dripping!
Person 2: That’s what she said.

Can you pull out please?

Their songs are like mold—you know, they grow on you.

What else is coming through my rape tunnel?!

Greek women are the best lovers. And after they’re finished with you, they own you.

Is it raining or am I the only one who’s wet?

I’m gonna have to move on before we meet again....

Person 1: Huh? I’m sorry, did you just say that you like to eat assholes?
Person 2: Yeah...Assholes are like my 3rd favorite thing to eat.

Person 1: High and dry. Is that a saying?
Person 2: Isn’t it high and dry and not drunk?

Person 1: The weed is fucking my brain right now.
Person 2: Um, do you like it? Are you turned on?
Person 1: Yeah, I want to fuck it’s little plant ass.

Person 1: I feel like I’m in the 7th grade again?
Person 2: You had that many balls in your face in 7th grade?
Person 1: yeah.

I wish I could be in the car while I’m driving (said by the person operating the vehicle)

Person 1: We’re not friends anymore. Go find some new ones.
Person 2: I can’t believe you’re mad at me cuz I said you’re NOT a whore!!
Person 1: (pouting) I AM a whore!

May I trifle with your cylinder?

I’m the instrument of Satan. I;m pretty sure someone just recently said that about me.

Person 1: Did you have sex with him?
Person 2: Who the hell is Matthew?!
Person 1: Who’s Matthew? I said ‘Did you have sex with him?’….but yeah, who the fuck IS Matthew?!

You know what your shirt is made of? Paper. And goats.

Person 1: Is there a 7:30 showing of Iron Man?
Ticket seller: Yeah.
Person 1: (looking at friend with a confused/scared look on face) Um…..can we have tickets for that?

It’s hot and it spewed all over my face.
***********************************************************************

I believe that last quote is a good way to end this....enjoy the rest of your Wednesday, chickens!

I Don't Like To Share

We all have that person (sometimes persons) who we're really attached to. As a friend, as someone we care about, sometimes we see them romantically, sometimes not. It's that person we're very protective of, or better yet, possessive of. We consider them all our own and if anyone comes to threaten that by taking away their attention or presence we get upset. Maybe even jealous. It's someone we don't necessarily want to "be with" but we want to possess. We don't want them, but we don't want anyone else to have them.
Maybe there is an underlying attraction to this person that is unrecognized. If there wasn't, then we wouldn't feel so possessive and jealous when someone else steps in to threaten the relationship. I know someone who gets really possessive of me when I don't pay him enough attention. We're friends. Nothing more. But there is a change in his behavior towards me. He gets distant and snappy because his feelings are hurt. Whether or not he has any right to be is not the issue. It's just a feeling, and with most feelings, they cannot be controlled. They merely exist. The problem is that he doesn't want me but he doesn't want anyone else to have me either. Which is unfair for everyone involved.
I have a person or two that I'm really protective of. Who I feel I want to shelter from the possibility of having someone else get all their attention. We do that when people get new boyfriends/girlfriends. Sometimes we become jealous of the new person because we feel threatened.
Even though it's hard to tell why exactly we feel this way, we have to at least try to identify the reasoning behind it. Maybe it's because we're subconsciously trying to trick ourselves into believing that we only see the person as playing one role in our lives, when in fact, our brain is trying to tell us something different from the deep, dark depths of our head. I don't have this answer, and I wish I could control some of the feelings I have because sometimes, with the less than pleasant feelings, it just creates a giant circle that you have to travel on to absolutely no where. I'm tired of going no where. I need someone to give me some answers.

New Place, New Life, New Start

Last night was officially my first night in the new apartment. It's weird to have all your stuff in a new place. It took a while for me to believe that I lived here. The first day I just kind of walked around the apartment and took it all in. It's a pretty sweet place and we got pretty lucky that we found it for that price in Manhattan. We both have never had to live with someone else or had the dorm experience so it should be interesting.
For the first few days I was sleeping on the couch since none of my furniture was here. I've been away from all my things and have hardly had a chance to sit down. It's been nice not to be able to sit at the computer all night doing things that, in essence, are a giant misuse of time. That means, minimal facebooking, youtubing, blogging, googling, movie watching. I did realize though just how much we rely on technology. We don't have Internet yet and the unsecured connection in the area is pretty unreliable. It's so frustrating not having the ability to look something up instantly. We're so used to instant. It's horrible. I have pictures to upload, reservations to make, and things to research and I can't get on the damn world wide web. I'm typing this on my blackberry---it's no fun. This did give me the opportunity to finally get serious about learning to play the piano since my keyboard was the only thing that was here. In 4 days I've made some real progress and I'm almost sorry that we're officially going to have internet and tv as of Tuesday.
I am excited about the new start. Hopefully I successfully got rid of all things that were bad for me and now I can start over. But, who knows with me. I have a bad habit of being attracted to those things that aren't good for me and bad things have a way of finding me.
Let the adventure begin...

Life Imitating....Entourage??

So I finally decided to check out what the fuss is about Entourage. I'm starting with season 1. I can see why guys like this---they want to be those boys. Boys who came from Queens who are living it up in LalaLand--going to parties, having sex with beautiful women,living in a big house, acting like 12 year olds whose parents left them home alone for the weekend. If our boy's minds weren't already warped by video games and tv and porn, this wouldn't be so bad. Except they now all believe they can be like the guys from Entourage and learn that it's OK to act like douche bags as long as you have your best buddies there to support you along the way.

It does for males what Sex And The City does for females. Except, those girls weren't screwing men over, they were getting screwed by them. SATC made girls want to dress like Carrie and live a fairytale life on Park Avenue like Charlotte and be as scandalous as Samantha. I think the two shows should have merged and had a special. Carrie could've dated Vince, Samantha could've had sex with Turtle and it would all be more realistic than those shows are on their own. Human beings are dramatic. Life is dramatic. And it's ironic that to escape our own dramatic lives we choose to watch others live their outrageous lives in order to make us feel better about our own situation. But in the process of merely being a spectator, we learn about situations and events and actions that probably should not take place in the real world and inadvertently partake in them in our own lives.

Are we born drawn to the dramatic or do we learn it from observing others throughout our lives? That's like a 'what came first' kind of question. I don't know the answer. But I do know that we complain about how much we hate the 'drama' and yet put ourselves in these dramatic situations anyway. I guess we have to take it for what it is and accept that we cannot outrun it but we can TRY to refrain from making events in our lives soap opera-esque. Easier said than done.

Are You A Face Whore?

Does anyone celebrate real friendship anymore?! With the use of facebook, myspace, youtube, blogs, etc., you get the ability to accept/deny/ follow/subscribe to/ join people all over the world. That means being "friends" with people you've never met, met once, know through a friend of a friend who slept with a friend. What the hell is that all about?! I may be old school but, correct me if I'm wrong, I don't want strangers looking at my drunk pictures or, even worse, video of me singing in public at 2am. I become friends with people I actually want to talk to. Whether I see them frequently or they physically materialize in front of me only around the holidays.

I cannot understand the people who have friends just so they can get the numbers. There is absolutely no way that you know the birthdays of all 846 "friends" you have on facebook or even have knowledge of their full names. There's no point in fake friending. No one thinks you're cooler because you have all those friends and no one really cares. Because the people you are actually friends with have to begin to wonder "if you friended me in the same facebook session that you friended those 2 momos you only met once who you're not really friends with, that must mean that WE aren't really friends because you don't value friendship at all".

It's all very complicated and fucked up and horrible. I think I was born in the wrong century. Although I do love the convenience that technology affords me, we've lost contact with the real world and real interactions. I think we can only go downhill from here.

Here's A Little Practice For You

One day, your child will come up to you and ask you: "Mommy/daddy, why does Jesus hate me?"

You need to have an amazing answer to this question. So, please, practice on me and give me your answer. Cuz I'm drawing a blank.

There's A First Time For Everything

I just performed my first defriending. Actually it was a couple. Which made it even more difficult and traumatic. As most of you know, I hate defriending. I hate it so much that I still have as a cyberfriend a person who died 2 years ago. His profile is still up and I don't have the heart to defriend him. I think it's rude and horrible. I'm not gonna lie--i felt ill while doing it and I even shed a tear. It's horrible when people you thought were friends turn out to be quite the opposite. The deciding factor was my birthday. You are not any sort of 'friend' when you can't even pretend to be happy that I was born. You don't say happy birthday to congratulate people on aging another year. You wish them a happy birthday because you're happy they were put on the planet however many years ago. When people you barely know in other states and countries say happy birthday and your 'friend' doesn't, it's time to move on.
So, I did it. I pushed those buttons. If you don't respect me, we're not friends. That makes me sad but the truth does hurt most of the time. And I'm glad to know people who ARE happy I was born and glad to have friends who will back me up no matter what and how long it takes me to get a backbone :-)

I'm Full Of Shit And I'm Just Waiting For You To Call Me Out On It

I’m full of bullshit. I realize this more recently. Partly because more people have called me out on it and partly because I’m not trying as hard to be that convincing. I challenged some random dude at a barbecue to a dance off a few weeks ago. When I laughed it off as a joke and backed down, he said “you’re all talk. No follow through”. I only knew him for about 2 hours. He’s right though. A complete stranger can see how much bull I’m comprised of. So, of course, once I’m called out on it, I step up (hence licking Sweet Mags foot in the park). It’s a cover. A defense mechanism used for self preservation. What exactly am I preserving myself against? What can be so detrimental to me that I can’t eventually get over? Defense mechanisms result from fear of something. And I think I figured out what I'm afraid of.

An ex-student came to visit recently. She asked me how my love life was and said “You haven’t met anyone who can tolerate your b.s? Not that you’re a bad person but you’re aggressive and strong. But you’re also bubbly and funny...yet fierce. So, you need someone who can handle that”. I laughed but I was really in shock. She said it perfectly. A 20 year old could see that I’m full of shit. I can’t believe I’m that transparent.
Someone once said that they were “concerned I couldn’t put my money where my mouth was”. I didn’t know what exactly they were referring to—I still don’t to this day—and I never bothered asking. I thought he was just trying to be an ass and challenge me. He was right though. I wasn’t. It seemed like I was from the outside but really, I was hiding. I wish he would've called me out on it more. I could've realized I was full of shit back in January.

Blogging helps with this. I can’t see who’s reading it so I’m ok with just writing under the assumption that only 3 people read it. It’s good to get these things out anyway. It’s therapeutic and cheaper than paying for a shrink….

It Doesn't Matter How Old You Are Cuz This Is Still High School

Look at your friends. You must know something about how they used to be when they were in high school. Now, think about if you would’ve been friends with them back then. I’m pretty sure you would only be talking to about half of them. I think it’s funny how much we change over time. The main elements of a whole personality usually don’t change but how we respond to things do, and that changes our behaviors and ideas.
If you were a skater in high school, I’m pretty sure you are not at 30 years old skating to work in your suit while clutching your briefcase. You may reminisce about it but you realize that you can’t do that because: 1. it’s not the social norm 2. your body probably couldn't handle it and 3. it’s not practical to your new way of living.
There were the football players, the skaters, the musicians, the teachers pet, the academic perfectionists, the theatre kids, the stoners, the bad ass, the foreign import, the super senior, the mean girls, etc…We like categorizing in our society. We like belonging to a group—to identify ourselves as something. I don’t remember being exclusively loyal to one group. I was a floater. Friends with everyone, all from different groups. I had my phases. I rolled with the theater kids, sometimes with the nerdy perfectionists, might have been a teachers pet at some point ( or all the time). But I was attracted to the people, not the group. I remember thinking that I couldn't talk to someone because I wasn’t as “cool” as they were. Whatever that means. We tend to think we’re a lot cooler than we really are and that others are cooler than we can ever be. In reality, we’re all big dorks, because when you get to know someone you find that they’re just like you. We’re all the same.
My staff at work is like a smaller high school class. We’re all so different from what we used to be and may have even adopted a new high school persona but it's like we never left. Maybe the dork can now be the cool kid or the musician can now be the teacher’s (boss’s) pet. I don’t think I would be friends with most of them if we were actually in high school. I don’t think our paths would have crossed if we weren’t thrown together in this pot we currently find ourselves in.

I Have Thoughts...

Just a few thoughts today:

1. Defriending. It's a real term now. It's horrible. I hate it. My problem is that I don't become friends with people unless I mean it. What sucks is that I assume other people operate that way too. Some people are just friend whores....like that girl that friended a guy she's never met who sent her a creepy facebook message saying how beautiful she is and how he wants to meet her....yeah, I'm talking about people like that.
I take friendship very seriously. I'm not going to talk to you and be fake just for the sake of it. If I talk to you, I like you in some capacity. I'm at a crossroad right now because I feel like there are several people who I should defriend--people who don't respect our "friendship" at all. The idea is killing me though. Why is it ok for us to 'defriend' in cyberspace? We would never do it in real life. We wouldn't go up to a person and say "listen, we can't talk anymore. I'm officially defriending you". It's rude. But we seem to think it's ok if we can't see the other person. We accept, deny, block, defriend all within a blink of an eye.
I got defriended by someone in the fall. I hated that feeling--that we couldn't even be cyberfriends let alone real friends. That sucked. So I decided that I would never accept people who I didn't really want to be friends with--people with whom I could see myself being friends with for quite a while. My mistake is that I assume other people value our friendship as much as I do. I guess I just have to accept that people will always prove me wrong....

2. Birthdays. They're weird. Who came up with the birthday cake tradition? And the candles? And the singing? It's awkward. I always find singing 'happy birthday' to be completely boring. It's not entertaining when you're 2 years old or 92 years old. I'm bored singing to you. Especially when you have shitty cake. I didn't come to your party in hopes of shitty cake. I would also like a party bag. We need to bring those back asap. Birthdays are just days. Time is socially constructed so who's to say how old I really am. I sometimes (most of the time) feel like I'm 12 years old. And sometimes I feel like I've lived a very long and tiresome life. This day is weird.

That's all for today....just for today.

Who Said It??? Part 1

For anyone who spends any time with me, you already know how much I love quotes. If you don't spend time with me, what an unfortunately loss for you and, if you haven't already heard, I love to write down things that people say. That's why I love my crackberry. I have notes specifically for that purpose. People say the funniest things which are even funnier out of context. I love nothing more than re-reading my notes from the previous day. Soooo entertaining.
So, I decided to write them in a blog post. Completely out of context and completely anonymous. If you said it, you know who you are. If you were there, you know who said it. And if you don't fall into either category but know the people I hang out with, you can guess who said what. Actually, it would be pretty funny if people start guessing who said it....

"I've never before seen pants for 2 dollars...not even at the dollar store"

"I don't need you to buy me a drink...I'm not THAT thirsty"

person 1: They can't support their kids. Why are they even having sex?
person 2: Cuz they don't have cable.

"Guys are like dogs. They hump you, slobber all over the place, you have to feed them, clean up after them and take them out every so often. And after all that, they bark at you"

"I will cream your corn...baste your turkey...sauce your pasta...braise your breasts..sticky your buns"

"He's like an onion. There's so many layers. And when you cut him down the middle he makes you cry"

"you need to stand up for yourself cuz no one should put you 3rd. you should be first...or at least as close to first place as you can get"

"He wasn't repulsive from what I recall. Capital 'I', capital 'recall'."

person 1: it's my birthday!!!!
person 2: Happy birthday, pig humper

"The F train is sad. It's a sad train"

I Have A Request

So, here's my request:

If you're reading this--obviously you read my blog. Thanks. Nice to know some people want to hear what I have to say...or you just find me ridiculously entertaining. Either way--thanks.
But....I want to hear what you have to say. I need comments on the posts if you're logged in via google/gmail or on the facebook post. Some topics are the basis for riveting conversations and I think we can all benefit from what people have to say/think.

Questions, comments, thoughts, cyberfaces, whatever. If you got it, I want it.

So, do it cuz I said so. Or else....

I Don't Wanna Smell Like Old Lady!!!

Ever wonder how you will be when you’re old? Nothing against old people but it’s interesting to know (and sometimes we forget) that they were just like us. They looked like us, acted like us, and thought like us. Yes, in a different time and different way, but they were just the same. It’s so bizarre and sometimes I wonder how they looked when they were young. Would I have been attracted to the old man sitting next to me if we were the same age way back then?

We don’t really live in a culture where we celebrate old age like other places do. They celebrate the wisdom and knowledge that comes with age. Instead, we say things like, “why is this old lady moving so slow?!”, “Man, this old guy smells of old man”, “God, I hope I never have to wear Depends”.
I get sad sometimes when I see old people. I remember being in a movie theater once--when I was in high school--and I saw an old man sitting by himself a few rows ahead of me. I started feeling really sad and wondered why he was alone. These were the scenarios: 1. he’s an old bachelor catching a flick on his own (ok) 2. he just wanted to get out of the house, probably away from his wife, and be by himself (happy) 3. his wife died and he was all alone (sad).
I don’t even remember what movie it was because I was so focused on watching him. Creepy, I know.
I can’t even imagine what I’ll be like when I get old. Will I be as bossy as I am now? Will I be mobile? Self-sufficient? Sickly? Alone? Develop an old lady smell? What’s fucked up, pretty morbid, and probably too much information for you since I’m not lying on a couch and you’re not charging me for this, is the fact that I can’t “see” that far ahead. I never could. I don’t know if this happens to anyone else but when I look into the future, I can only see up to a certain point. Then there’s nothing. So I always figured I’d die early. It’s so morbid. And wrong. That’s maybe why I’m so freaked out about turning 25. It’s approaching. You can send me the bill now…..

Are Guys Just Suckers?

Are guys just suckers or are girls really that much smarter than men?

I do not understand girls who make their men do things they don't normally do. Like go shopping, see chick flicks, hold purses...I also don't understand the men who let them get away with it. I went to go see Sex And The City 2 a couple weeks ago, looked around the theatre and notices a bunch of dudes. Really?! S&TC2?! Why would you ever think your man would find over 2 hours of SJP entertaining? There wasn't even any nude scenes in it. He better have gotten some AMAZING sex afterwards cuz if I were him and didn't, I'd dump your ass THAT night. My friend left her husband at home. That's why you have girl-friends. THEY are supposed to go to see the ridiculous movies with you and go shopping with you for hours.
Last weekend I was out shopping and saw a whole bunch of men following around their girlfriends throughout the store. Some were even huddled on the floor in the corner. I wanted to go around and pass them a note that said "meet me for a beer around the corner". Jesus!
I don't need someone to follow me around all the time. If I wanted a pet, I would get a puppy. I want someone who likes doing some of the same things but who also has their own life. Is that wrong of me? Are we supposed to have people do things they don't want to do just because we are a "couple"? I don't get it.

Maybe that's my problem. I don't try to mold people. I just let them be. Maybe I got it all wrong and I'm supposed to have other people do what I say, when I say it. Maybe guys do like to be told what to do and when to do it. Ugh, never mind. I cringed just writing that. I could never be one of those girls who mope and pout when they don't get their way and make their boyfriends go shopping with them and hold their bag...yuck. I do have to give those girls props though. I don't know how they get guys to do it, but they do. I also don't know how guys put up with us sometimes. Guys claim girls are crazy, and girls claim guys are assholes. Each sex has a group of momos that give the whole sex a bad rap. The sheer volume of the bad always overshadows the good which is unfortunate.

For now I'll carry my own bag and shop on my own, thank you very much. Unless you actually want to do those things....

Just A City Rant...

Here's my rant of the day:

I am sick and tired of people who live in NYC who are not from here. I'm tired of these 22 year olds who come from Buttfuck,Virginia to live in the Big City. With the same breath that they say how amazing this place is, they then claim "but I would never raise my children here". Fuck you. Go back to where you came from. We're overcrowded as it is and don't need your fresh, bubbly, little ass taking jobs from those of us who actually plan on residing here for more than 3 years. Any idiot can be a bartender/waitress. Go do it back in Bumblefuck. Don't bad mouth my city. I was raised here. Which leads me to another thing--you say you're from the Bronx and people think "agh, south Bronx. They murder people. You can't walk there". Really?! Have you even seen the Bronx? There was no store opened passed 8pm in my neighborhood and only one bus that ran to the train. Which stopped at 9pm, so if you didn't have a car, you weren't going anywhere. And, you could actually see stars from my neighborhood. Shocker, I know.
Don't talk about things that you don't know of.

This leads me to those little chickadees from Buttfuck who are sooooo cool with their plaid shirts and their fedoras. Ugh!! I was wearing that shit before you were born. Partaking in the "trendy" makes me ill. It almost makes me not wanna wear plaid...too bad I look really good in it. I'm still waiting for Uggs to go out of style so I can wear them again. I cannot walk down the hallway next to the students who are wearing the exact same boot as me...

Out of towners, stay out of town.

Read My...Body Language

If you didn't get the title, that's a line from a Kylie Minogue song--Body Language. Get acquainted.
I was watching a couple on the train platform a couple of weeks ago. Partly because he kept stealing glances my way, and partly because their body language was so obvious. They barely said two words to each other. Her arms were crossed and her right foot was in front of her, pointing to the right. He stood on her left with hand in the pocket and feet pointed straight. Obviously they weren’t on the same page. I assume they either just had a fight that day or have been on the rocks for a while. Their feet weren’t even pointed in any sort of direction their significant other occupied and she had her body closed off by the crossed arms. Even people would aren’t aware of their surroundings can know when there’s a strain in the relationship. Or, really, our bodies and our subconscious know before we realize it. Changes in little patterns of behavior—a hug (or lack of hug), a look, an underlying anger that laces every sentence you speak to someone.

I like observing people. Actions tell so much more than words ever could. We used to have roof top parties on Goldie’s roof on E.66th street. There was a big building across the street with floor to ceiling windows—a goldmine for someone like me. I used to observe people there and it was easy since no one in New York City seems too concerned about the curtain situation. I’ve never lived in a building. I don’t have experience with masses of people residing in one structure. It’s fascination. I can watch people all day. I just don't like having to hear them partake in painfully boring intercourse...


Yesterday I was looking out the window waiting for my nails to dry and I noticed one of the girls who had just left was talking to some guy out front. So I decided to watch them since I had nothing else to do. It was obvious they both liked each other. I think it’s funny what you can notice when you’re just observing and not immediately in a situation. I don't do as well when I am a part of the situation. I wish i had the power to freeze time that way I could gather my thoughts, step back and observe and then continue on. But that's neither here nor there...
They were dancing around each other--she was moving to the left, to the right of him. She smiled more. Most times their feet were pointed in the direction of the other person. That’s a big hint—your feet always point you in the right direction if you just let them. He kept lifting his shirt and touching his stomach (kind of obnoxious, but unconscious in most cases—not the man, the action :-) ). Sometimes he even lifted his arms over his head to show off his body--it's a way of opening yourself up--a mating/courting type move. He was showing off his new car (don’t ask me what kind. I have no idea other than it was white, shiny and had 2 doors). She seemed to be really interested in it—even sat inside. It was so obvious. But even then, obvious to an outsider doesn’t necessarily mean obvious to the people involved.
She jabbed him in the stomach jokingly. That was an unconscious jab like “hey, when are you actually gonna do something” not a “lets play fight” kinda jab. They talked for well over 10 minutes and it was that type of extended conversation where you’re not really talking about anything but waiting for the other to make a move. She was obviously still there waiting for him to do something. They don’t get it sometimes. Boys are oblivious. I read an article once where a man said “I tried everything. I thought I was being really obvious that I liked her but she wasn’t getting it”. It’s not that we don’t get it—girls catch on quick. We’re usually 5 steps ahead of you. That fact is that most men aren’t as obvious as they think. We don’t know if you want to just be friends or see us naked—sometimes it’s both—that’s why it’s so confusing :-p.
I can see in this case where she’s waiting for him to be more forward and he’s still wondering if she just wants to be friends. Then she gets frustrated because he never makes a move and he gets nervous because he doesn’t want to misread the signals and do something that may jeopardize their current relationship to each other.

Humans…they’re an interesting species indeed.

Agh! Here We Go Again!

My neighbors had sex last night again. I only know this because I was tossing and turning until 1:30am. Two nights in a row. Must be an anniversary or a birthday or something. Round two--as horrible as the last. The bed moved a bit more than usual but that was it.
That's a horrible way to live.

I can't wait to move!!! Less than 2 months!!!!

The Only Thing That's Getting Any Action Is The Bed

I heard my neighbors having sex last night. That's only the second time in 6 months. That's better for them though--they most definitely should not have another baby. The first time it happened was back in March. I only knew they were doing it cuz the bed was moving. I was excited for them. I thought, "here we go! Some action! This must be the make up sex after all the fighting". One would think it would be mind blowing since all they do is fight. I've never been more disappointed in my life. Not a sound. Except for the moving of the bed. I've had dirty thoughts that were louder than that catastrophe. I figured maybe the first time was a fluke--a bad night. Nope, round two was even worse. Why do it at all? Actually, they would probably be louder if each of them were flying solo. I may anonymously suggest it to them via their mailbox.
I can't figure out why they're together. All they do is fight---funny enough it's usually on Saturday and Sunday mornings between 7:45 and 8:30am--the only days I get to sleep in. They scream at each other and I hear everything. I hate it. I hate waking up to yelling. Once, it was so bad she threatened to leave. I wished she would. For every one's sake. They fought on Valentine's Day. I was trying to sleep through that day. Didn't work out as planned. I sometimes want to go up there and counsel them. Tell them to end it finally.
I don't understand why people stay together if they can't get along. It's not a matter of merely disagreeing on things but it usually is a lack of respect. They both yell at each other but never actually listen to what the other is saying. I never want to be in that situation. Some people are just drawn to the drama, I guess.

The cats in the alley have more sex than my whole building combined. That's sad.

Some Things Don't Change

My quote in my high school year book said:

It is better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for something you are not.

Andre Gide originally said that. I believed that in June 2003 and I still believe it in June 2010.

Everyone Just Needs To Simmer Down

So, the big news of the day was Jim Joyce. No, not the writer cuz god forbid we talk about things like that...I'm talking about the first base umpire of last nights Detroit Tigers game. For those of you who don't know what I'm talking about (most people reading this blog) apparently the umpire said one player was safe when in fact he was not. This call cost pitcher Armando Galarraga a perfect game. This mistake outraged not only Detroit fans but people I am friends with who have no affiliation with Detroit. There were even FB status posts about it. One even stated to call the MLB office to get Galarraga his perfect game. Really?!
What's this all about, "the umpire should be fired", bullcrap?! Haven't you ever fucked up at work? What number can I call to get you fired....from life? Maybe, MLB needs to start employing the use of instant replay during games to avoid realizing this shit after it happens. Or, they can just suck it up and take things like they're called. The man apologized. He feels terrible. Shits flying around out there, it's hot, there are bugs flying, uncouth troglodytes spitting tobacco juice all over the place and drunken idiots screaming in the stands...people should just be glad someone wants to work in those conditions.
Baseball fans, you need to simmer down. Seriously. Last time I checked MLB does not have you on their payroll.

In other news of the day, a woman is suing Citibank who fired her for being "too sexy". Her lawsuit claims that she was told that "as a result of the shape of her figure, such clothes were purportedly 'too distracting' for her male colleagues and supervisors to bear". REALLY?!?! I would like to meet these blokes who were waaaayyy too distracted by her beauty to perform their given tasks. I would also like to meet the men who complained about this distraction. Now, she IS a rather attractive lady but I never knew females had such an affect on men. I should really be careful now especially when I wear my 'lady clothes'. On second thought, you have to murder someone in order to be fired from the board of education, so I think I'm just gonna keep distracting until then......

Fly That Freak Flag, Girl!

I was talking to my friend recently and the topic of conversation went down the sexual route (have you met me? Duh. Obviously, we went there.) and he was telling me about a girl he knows who likes to get choked during sex. She also likes when men hit her in the face. Open handed and hard. She laughs.

Now, we all have our hidden (sometimes not secret) sexual fantasies. It’s ok to fly the freak flag every once in a while, but what makes a person want to get beat up? What sort of high are we searching for? Is it actually feeling the pain that is appealing or the act of being hurt? Some people need to experience pain in order to feel. High pain tolerance, or high tolerance for anything really, makes us go to the extreme. We want more because we can endure more. We can handle it. Endorphins kick in, it’s exciting, there’s a rush but then you crash. That high eventually goes away. It’s the same for alcohol and drugs. Even for tattoos. When I got the fairies on my back, I did want them eventually but I needed it at the moment. I thought about it everyday for weeks. I had this anxious feeling within me and needed to release it. I wanted to feel the pain—to feel something. Five weeks after that I got the tattoo on my neck because: 1. I’m easily influenced (thanks, Eleni!) and 2. I needed/wanted to feel something again and 3. once I get an idea in my head, I fixate on it (this was in my head from before the fairy tattoo).

When that happens you have to look at it subjectively and ask yourself, what can’t you properly feel, why can’t you properly feel it and what are you trying to replace with the pain?

We don’t need these things but we want them. Because it makes us feel something. But once that feeling goes away we are left back where we started...at the beginning.

I Don't Mind Being A Fool In The Rain

I woke up singing Led Zeppelin's Fool In The Rain. That tells me two things: 1. I'm nearing the end of my Zeppelin phase and 2. it's gonna rain today.
I was waiting all day. I thought it was supposed to rain this morning then they said during the afternoon. My desk faces the window and at around 2:40pm I started seeing lightning. I was so excited. At 3:05pm it started pouring. I watched from the window and hoped it would continue until 4pm when I get out of the building and would be able to walk home and get soaked like all those lucky people I was watching. It stopped 10 minutes later. Talk about disappointment.
As I was watching the rain I started thinking about how many songs have the word 'rain' in them. Lots. Here's some I can think of:

Fool In The Rain- Zeppelin
Purple Rain- Prince
November Rain- Pink Floyd
I'm Only Happy When It Rains- Garbage (also my theme song)
Have You Ever Seen The Rain- CCR
Who'll Stop The Rain- CCR
Rain- The Beatles
After The Rain Has Fallen- Sting

Of course, that's just the tip of the iceberg. And, they all happen to be amazing songs. Those are just with 'rain' in the title. There are probably a few million songs that mention the rain in the actual lyrics.

I don't know what it is about the rain that is so thought-provoking. I think of the rain as sad but calm. It's comforting. I don't like that sissy rain though. If you're gonna rain, then rain hard or don't do it at all.

There was one time when I was young, I went to the backyard and sat on the long red bench under the tree while it was raining. Just because. It was nice. All you hear is the rain. Maybe a bird or two, but mostly it's silent because all the noisy people went indoors to escape it. They're the real fools...they don't know what they're missing.

A 6 Train Poem

I haven't written a poem in a very long time. I don't know where this came from exactly. I was rushing to get the the train. Said the first line in my head and then I couldn't stop. This is what I got:

If you could only see what I see
You could deny your disease
Take a bat and swing
Catch a ride and leave.
If you could only see what I see
You could finally believe
Calm yourself and breathe
Close your eyes and sleep.

If I could only be what you are
I'd take a chance and leap
Get lost to find my feet
Get close to feel the heat.
If I could only be what you are
I'd be a better me
Take a chance and feel
Never stoop and kneel.

If we could only be what we want ourselves to be
We'd open all the doors
Take some but give back more
Won't stop just to keep score.
If we could stop to see what other people see
We'd try be ok
Won't prosper from the pain
Won't take in all the blame.
But we can only be
what we want ourselves to be.